Excess meat scandal rocks seminary presidency

NAPANEE, ID – A huge blow was delivered to the Napanee High School seminary Thursday when Gary Cole, seminary student body president, was caught eating meat in excess behind the school.

Cole was allegedly in the middle of consuming huge quantities of beef in the form of hamburger, veal, and the highly addictive medium rare rib eye steak when Bro. Anglemeyer, the 10th grade seminary teacher, confronted him.

According to eyewitness McKayla Anderson, Cole was caught “with an open bottle of A-1 in his hand and a piece of steak still hanging out of his mouth.”

“This is a huge smudge on what was once a clean record,” said Anglemeyer. “Not only did Gary flout the Word of Wisdom by eating too much meat, it wasn’t even at a time of winter, famine or excess of hunger.”

Seminary student body second counselor Michael Thisbee said he isn’t surprised by this sudden revelation. “For the past few weeks I’ve thought I’ve been smelling oats on Gary’s breath. And as we all know, oats are the gateway to harder foods. Satan tells you its all right, that it won’t hurt anything. But look at what happens.”

“I can see this spreading like a virus through the student body,” Anglemeyer said, “Students furtively chewing on Slim Jims in the classroom, sneaking into fast food joints for their burger hit, and if things get really bad we’ll lose precious souls to those nefarious all night barbecues I’ve been hearing about.”

Evil Unable to Attend Party

MAPLETON UT - Bobby Stanton regrets to inform those he invited to his party scheduled for Saturday night that Evil will not be able to make it.

“I tried to invite Evil early,” he said in an interview with the Sugar Beet, “I did everything I could to attract him. I was even planning on spiking the punch, renting a few American Pie movies, and maybe even looking at a few Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues out back. But I guess Evil had other plans.”

Fortunately the Appearance of Evil isn’t doing much that Friday and will come to Stanton’s party in Evil’s place.

“Naturally we had to tone things down if it was only the Appearance of Evil coming. So I’ve got some O’Doules on hand and a couple of Austin Powers movies,” said Stanton, “there is also the distinct possibility of off-color conversation. I’m pretty sure everyone will be able to bless the sacrament the next morning. Sorry about that.”


ALPINE, UTAH--Latter-day Saints are continually advised to keep their agency in tip-top shape by exercising it on a regular basis. However, there's no convenient, effective way to fit regular agency exercise into a busy schedule--until now.

Opening this week is the new Choose the Right Gym, where members can exercise their agency until they are spiritually buff and then maintain their fitness. Set up like an obstacle course, the gym features a progressively harder pathway of tempting choices. It starts out with chocolate, progresses through Coke, poker, and R-rated movies, and culminates with pornography, prescription pain killers, and Book of Mormon DNA evidence.

Patrons who make a wrong choice are given an electric shock through a wireless device. "Just a half-hour three times a week at our gym will keep your agency at peak performance," said proprietor Carl Johansen. "When you need the strength in real situations, you'll be ready."

Our Book Is Now Available for Ordering

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, our collection of the best of the Sugar Beet, is now available. For more information and a secure shopping cart, click here:


Our Book Is Getting Closer...

Here's an advance review from Publishers Weekly:

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer: LDS News, Advice and Opinion

Edited by Christopher Kimball Bigelow
Pince-Nez Press
ISBN 1-930074-17-0

If a mature religion is one that can laugh at itself, then Mormonism is growing up. The ranks of the heretofore slim world of LDS satirists (dominated by cartoonists Pat Bagley and Calvin Grondahl and columnist Robert Kirby) have been swelled by the next generation: this compilation of ruthlessly funny articles is as irreverent as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is decorous.

The book is edited by Bigelow, co-author of Mormonism for Dummies and co-founder of The Sugar Beet (an LDS version of the satirical publication The Onion). Bigelow and his staff of Sugar Beet writers, whose identities are hidden behind ultra-Mormon pseudonyms, ferret out the delicious humor tucked away in Mormonism’s quirkiest doctrines and cultural extremes in articles like: “Gay polygamists make bid for legitimacy”; “Zions Bank offers financing for scrapbookers”; and “Elvis Presley accepts posthumous baptism.”

The humor grows mostly out of the rich soil of Wasatch Front culture, so some of it may go over the heads of converts to the faith, and many stalwart Mormons would declare the writing dangerously “light-minded.” But a solid core of LDS (and LDS-raised) readers will find the Enquirer a tie-loosening, glue-gun-melting pleasure—and an excellent Christmas gift for friends and family. (Nov. 6)

Advance Notice for Our Forthcoming Book

Here's a link to the advance notice for our forthcoming collection of satirical Mormon news from the Sugar Beet:

Pince-Nez Press


Views from the Street on "Big Love"

"Big Love," HBO's new series about a polygamous family, seems to be a big hit. Following are some responses we received when we asked passersby in downtown Salt Lake City their opinion.

"Why does it always have to be polygamists? Why not a drama about scrapbookers or geneology researchers? That would be more realistic."

"I'm sure Tom Green is behind this. He knows how to manipulate the media, and now they're eating out of his hand."

"They should've named one of the wives 'Sharon A. Johnson.'"

"Richard Dutcher should definitely get Bill Paxton to play Joseph Smith in his upcoming movie."

"I'm still waiting for HBO to show some hot foursome action in the bedroom--or at a minimum, wife-on-wife."

"I'm absolutely not going to watch even a second of it. Especially the sex scenes with Chloe Sevigny. She's not even that hot."

"Not only does it make the Church look bad, but it's really bad for the image of hardware stores."

"I won't sully my mind with that kind of trash. Especially since it's on the same night as Dawson's Creek."

"I was sorry to hear that the girl who played Deb, Napolean's girlfriend, had sold out to Hollywood like this. And she doesn't even wear her hair in that cute sideways ponytail either."

"I wasn't going to watch it, but my TIVO thought I should. So . . ."

"I'm waiting for the Cleanflix version."

"What they don't get is that Mormonism teaches only post-mortal polygamy nowadays."

"I'm only going to watch it until I learn if Bill's gonna get Margene her own car. Then I'm turning it right off."

"What I don't get is, if there are three wives and seven days in a week, who does the husband sleep with on Sundays?"

"I'm sticking with the Sopranos. At least they have some family values."

"It's a total cheat. If they're gonna make a big deal of how it has nudity, they better show more than Bill Paxton's bare butt."

"It makes me sad that people will think that this show is really about the LDS church, when actually polygamy has NEVER been a part of our beliefs. Except for when it was."

"I've counseled my wife to watch it prayerfully so that she'll know what kind of chores will await her once I bring her into the celestial kingdom."

"I'm sure this show, as well as everything else, is a part of the Lord's plan, designed to bring more people into the One and True Church. And if more people DON'T join the church because of this show, then it was actually part of Satan's plan."


Play-Daters Receive Counsel

SALT LAKE CITY--Nursery and Junior Primary members were counseled today not to engage in intimate play dates too soon. “The youngsters with whom you form play date associations now will become those with whom you will lose your first teeth, play soccer, go to ballet class, take piano lessons, attend homeroom, go to prom, and eventually marry,” said Elder Hugh L. Weaver of the Second Quorum of the Seventies. “It’s important to cultivate good play date associations now, without getting too intimate with any one of your peers.”

Etiquette, he explained, is important for play-dating youth. “I am concerned,” he said, “to read reports of young men of play-date age riding their Big Wheels through young women’s dolly-and-tea parties. Surely this is not behavior that the Savior would condone.” He also encouraged the young women of play-dating age to keep their diapers modestly covered and to support the young men in fulfilling their Primary duties.

Elder Weaver advised the youngsters, ages eighteen months to seven, to not “pair up” in their play dates. The dangers of exclusive play dating, he explained, include “finding yourself in situations you cannot handle--rather like going down a giant twisty slide before you can walk.” Play-daters should seek out wholesome environments, like sunny parks or Primary activities, and should avoid places with raucous music and dark corners, like Chuck E. Cheese’s. “At all costs,” he said, “you should avoid parties where you know sugar is going to be served.”


Draper Ordinance Eliminates the Appearance of Poverty

DRAPER, UT--Knowing that the poor will always be among us, the Draper City Council's recent ordinance banning second-hand stores in its retail district will at least eliminate the appearance of poverty. This zoning strategy will return to the Saints of that city the recently lost but foundational LDS belief that all is well in Zion.

The Draper City Manager indicated that research shows how squalor and poverty follow Deseret Industry stores wherever they appear. Of particular concern is the retarded people who often work the intake areas. "They are just creepy, and sometimes they smell like cigarettes."

A member of the Draper Chamber of Commerce, who requested that her name be withheld, said, "We're trying to make Draper the cultural center of the entire Point of the Mountain area, which is difficult with the prison and the ethnics out in West Valley squeezing in. Putting the kibosh on this DI will send a message to these lazy people who are always looking for a handout. Draper is saying they can just go back to Ogden or Tooele or wherever else tacky poor people go."


Prophet's Profile Is Toast of the Town

KANAB, UT—Viril Jones, owner of the WoW Café and self-described “purveyor of whole grains and other natural foods for storage and home consumption,” feels he has been given a faith-promoting sign that he must share with the LDS community and world at large.

Jones claims that he found the profile of the Prophet Joseph on a piece of whole-wheat toast. “I was just toasting up some bread from a loaf I’d just made with the best organic wheat money can buy. I used the same toaster I always have, from that good LDS company where I got my bread maker. But I’d made this loaf by hand, so maybe that was what the Lord smiled on for me for.”

Jones said he used the toaster’s medium-Semitic setting and out came the slice showing a distinct profile of Joseph, almost identical to the image on the cover of the new Richard Bushman bio. “I know, because I sent my wife over to the local LDS bookstore to borrow a copy for comparison,” Jones said.

The manifestation has caused a sensation in the small town, with people coming to Jones’s small eatery to view the toast in a display case, right next to the cake plate holding unbleached-flour Danishes and brownies. “I thought about putting a glass of organic whole milk in with it, since the prophet felt that whole milk and whole grains made for healthy children, but if it’d spilled I would have ruined this gracious gift, and I don’t want to be accountable for that.”

When asked, restaurant patrons seem willing to accept this as a sign of divine favor. “Why should the Catholics and Evangelicals get all the signs in food, oil slicks, trees, and urinals?” one local man asked. Another one chimed in, “I agree—we’re the true religion, so it’s appropriate for the Lord to manifest his will and pleasure through us on a piece of healthy bread, thus confirming both Joseph’s calling as prophet and the doctrine of the Word of Wisdom.”

As news of the “prophet toast” has spread, unconfirmed reports have followed claiming sightings of Brigham Young in a bowl of vanilla ice cream at a ward social and Wilford Woodruff in a batch of Relief Society brownies. When asked his opinion of the veracity of these other sightings, Jones shrugged. “At first it seemed a little suspect, since those aren’t exactly healthy foods. But on further thought, they did take place at sanctioned church events. When you think about it, ice cream has milk and is made with salt, and brownies contain eggs, wheat, and milk, and those are all healthy things, so why not?”

Jones is considering donating the faith-promoting piece of bread to the Church Museum of History and Art for inclusion in the Joseph Smith exhibit. “Either that, or we’ll sell it on eBay.”


Tips for Feeling the Spirit During Our Church Meetings

Do you come out of church feeling more depressed than when you entered? Find yourself wanting to stir up a good fight over women’s issues in Relief Society? Try these tips for a more spirit-filled three-hour block:

• Ritually cutting yourself—say ten times per arm each Saturday night—lets more of the Spirit in. That red stuff? It’s the evil leaving.

• Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? Of course not. You were stealing just five more minutes of sleep. Don’t worry about it—all the opening and closing prayers over the next three hours will more than make up for your lack.

• (Women only) If you don’t have the spiritual strength to think about Jesus through the entire sacrament, at least try to think about your favorite painter of Jesus. Did he have dark, smoldering eyes? Did he paint with his shirt half-unbuttoned, with the soft morning sun shimmering on the ripples of his washboard abs? Mmm. Yeah.

• (Men only) Sit next to a hot chick. At least that way, you're feeling SOMETHING.

• More than five hours of Internet porn a night? That’s going to interfere a little with our goal, my friend.

• Think about how much you are making Satan cry right now, just by sitting there pretending to listen to the high councillor. Now, picture yourself taunting the Lord of Darkness and dancing in a circle around his cowering form. Also, you’re stabbing him in the ribs with a javelin. There. Don’t you feel more spiritual?

• Do you have kids? And do you bring a bag for them filled with goodies and games? The Spirit speaks more strongly to those who snack on gummi bears and race Hot Wheels up and down the pew, you know.

• Build a rameumpton out of hymnals, and use it.

• Just LOOKING like you’re feeling the Spirit can help. Grimace thoughtfully over whatever game you’re playing on your PDA. And don’t forget to put it on silent.

• The Lord spoke to Moses from a burning bush. Can he also speak to someone from a burning pew? Only one way to find out.

• Christ said to consider the lilies of the field. Do you think lilies wear clothes to church? Go thou and do likewise. Tight shoes and neckties can strangle the Spirit right out of you.

• It could be that the people around you are preventing you from feeling anything. Deal with them.

• Create a spirit antenna out of a roll of tin foil.

• If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not feeling the Spirit, you're pretty much just wasting your time. Try napping. Or just go home.


Church Head's Title Now Includes "CEO"

SALT LAKE CITY--The LDS Church has announced that the alternative title for its President is now Prophet, Seer, and Chief Executive Officer.

"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."

The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.

Area Man Believes Sheri Dew Is Condoleezza Rice

MANTI, UTAH--Local resident Carl Sagers has put forward a theory that some experts are finding unexpectedly plausible: well-known Mormon women's leader and Deseret Book executive Sheri Dew is leading a double-life as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

"Dew can rise only so far inside Mormonism," says Sagers. "To fulfill her ambitions, she puts on black face and jumps into the national arena as Condoleezza."

Sagers has produced a chart showing that neither woman's public appearances have ever overlapped with each other. "When Dew disappears on some kind of mysterious business trip, that's when Rice starts showing up in the media visiting all these hotspots around the world," Sagers asserts.

In addition, he believes the name "Condoleezza" reveals clues to the Dew connection. "Dew owns a 'condo' and has a neice named 'Eliza'--it's not too much of a stretch to combine those two names. The double ZZ could reflect the boredom she feels in her Mormon role."

When asked about the allegation, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Hah, that's a hoot. As if a Mormon black woman could ever gain such a high office."

Our New Yorker Caption Contest Entry

"I knew this would happen if they legalized gay marriage..."


Priesthood Holder Asks, “Where’s The Sizzle?”

SANTAQUIN, UT—On a recent Sunday, area priesthood holder Dave Bons felt “a major disconnect” when his elders quorum president invited the brethren to attend a 7:00 a.m. stake priesthood meeting the following Sunday.

“All he did was stand up and state the time and place of the meeting,” said Bons. “His voice was monotone, and he said nothing about any features or benefits of the meeting. I couldn’t help asking myself, ‘Where’s the razzle-dazzle? Where’s the sizzle?’”

Bons said he might have considered attending if any tantalizing teasers had been provided. “Was there going to be a special guest speaker? A dynamic new gospel program? Some key piece of revelation for our particular place and time? A new look and feel for the stake newsletter? A new pill that cures pornography addiction?”

Bons says that he considers himself a gospel consumer. “I pay a lot of money into the Church, and I want a little romancing in return.”

In apparent response to his concerns, on Saturday afternoon, Bons found a postcard-sized piece of goldenrod paper taped to his front door that said, in 12-point Times New Roman italic font: Come to stake priesthood meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00. It will strengthen your family.

“I suppose that’s a start,” Bons said, “I dunno—I guess I just want to be targeted by a real Church marketing campaign for a change.”

Study Reveals Cause of Freeway Fast-Lane Abuse

OREM, UT—After a recent federal freeway study identified Utah as having the nation’s highest rate of fast-lane abuse, researchers at Utah Valley State College decided to look deeper into the phenomenon.

“The highest rate of abuse is right here in Utah County,” said Ed O’Neill, a professor in UVSC’s social science department who interviewed dozens of local drivers. “In these people’s minds, the government has given all drivers a clear speed standard that must be precisely obeyed. They don’t want to move aside so someone can sin by speeding—and yes, sin is the word most of them used. By driving slow in the fast lane, they think they’re doing other drivers a spiritual favor.”

In fact, several drivers bore testimony to O’Neill of the inspired righteousness of Utah’s speed limits. “One American Fork resident told me he drives five miles under the speed limit just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally break the law.”

On a related matter, O’Neill learned that Pleasant Grove resident Carl Spainhower is preparing an initiative to remove Las Vegas from directional signs on I-15 southbound. “Freeway signs should not advertise the devil’s playground, as if it were an appropriate destination for children of God,” said Spainhower, who will begin collecting petition signatures next month.

Views from the Street

Question: What was your response to the recent challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year?


I didn’t have time to read any scriptures because I was too busy writing my own.

I downloaded it onto my iPod Shuffle, and I think it played all the chapters, but they weren't in order, so I can't be sure.

I distinctly heard him say to read David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster. Oh, wait—maybe that was the New Yorker critic.

I chose to obey a higher law: avoiding reading material that features gratuitous violence.

Every time I tried to read, the ghost of Mark Twain appeared, held a chemical-smelling handkerchief over my nose, and made me pass out.

I made a commitment to read one word each morning. I'm already to 1 Nephi 1:21, halfway through the verse.

New Convert Discovers Hollywood Movies in LDS Scripture

Alexandria, VA—While doing some database searching in preparation for a sacrament talk, recent convert Preston Holdaway came across references to two popular Hollywood films in general conference proceedings.

“I’m amazed, because general conference talks are nothing less than modern-day scripture,” Holdaway said. “Maybe Hollywood isn’t so far removed from us after all.”

In the April 1991 Sunday morning session, President Thomas S. Monson talked at length about the movie Home Alone. In an April 1997 priesthood session talk titled “They Will Come,” President Monson testified about the movie Field of Dreams.

After making the discoveries, Holdaway immediately rented both films and watched them several times, searching for new spiritual insights. He expressed his hopes that future general conference talks will reference Harry Potter, The Matrix, and Lord of the Rings, thus making those movies part of Mormon scripture too.