I, Captain Moroni, Having Defeated the Armies of Mr. Incredible

Guest Columnist:
Captain Moroni, Action Figure

I, Captain Moroni, having defeated the armies of Mr. Incredible, now write down the record of my doings.

For behold, it came to pass that in the third year of the reign of King Timmy, that a certain man, having much strength and powers of persuasion, did leave his native land of McDonalds and migrate to the Room of Timmy.

There he did begin to gather followers about him through his persuasive words and great strength. Behold, he said unto them, I, Mr. Incredible, being great of strength and powerful in persuasion, say unto you that we need a new king. Yea, why should we labor under the tyranny of King Timmy, who doth spread us to and fro upon the face of the floor? Behold, one day Timmy doth smile upon us and lo, he plays with us. But Timmy is a capricious king, a king who bestows compassion upon his subjects one day but behold, on the next he treads them into the carpet.

And it came to pass that such was the persuasion of Mr. Incredible that many did follow after him. Yea, the Star Warites, the Brothers of Hasbro, and many others were deceived by Mr. Incredible and began to form secret combinations to bring about the overthrow of King Timmy.

But I, Moroni, being a servant of King Timmy and being the head of his royal army, did rally all those who did believe on the name of Timmy to his defense. And the Sons of the Mutant Turtles did answer my call, as did the Potato Heads, and the Matelites. And behold, we did fortify our strongholds, yea, with Lego, Lincoln Logs, and even Mega Blocs did we strengthen our fortress.

And we did surround our fortress with Bristleblox that our enemy would fall upon them and be impaled. And we did arm ourselves with swords, scimitars, ray guns, nun chucks, and all manner of weapons of every kind.

And behold, the day did come when Mr. Incredible, with his army, did arise from the depths of the land Under the Bed to attack our stronghold. And my people did quake and tremble, for they saw that the Incrediblites (for so did we call them) had made a great and terrible sacrifice of the fairest of virgins, yea, even Barbie, and had thrust her head upon a pike. They had also painted themselves with chocolate insomuch that they did cause my army to quake and tremble.

But we did stand firm in our stronghold atop Mount Bureau, ready for our enemy.

But behold, it came to pass that just as the Incrediblites were attacking, the Mother of Timmy did sweep them into the garbage bag of eternal darkness and did drag them down to Value Village, from whence there is no return. And behold, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Incrediblites.

And thus we see that those who support King Timmy and rally to his cause will indeed be upheld at the last day. In the name of KB Toys, amen.

Area Man Still Unsure about Church Policy on Porn

EAGER, AZ—After listening to the April 2005 general conference, Ted Johansen expressed dismay that the church still hasn’t clarified its position regarding the pornography that’s so widely available today.

“I mean, we know we’re not supposed to gamble or drink coffee, but what about all these nudie pictures available on the Internet?” he asked. “It seems like this is an important enough deal that the church would give us some clear guidance, already. Some of the General Authorities have alluded to this issue, but they just haven’t come out with anything definitive yet.”

Snapshot: General Conference Edits

What phrases did the correlation committee edit out of recent general conference talk manuscripts?

When it comes to pornography, we should all probably cut back a little.

Children, in the sight of heaven, are perfect . . . little devils!

We don’t think it’s appropriate to use guilt to motivate you to do what’s right, so in my talk I will focus on the rewards of choosing the right rather than the punishments that come when we choose wrongly.

Active members of the church should be involved in the entertainment industry. What we need to stop doing is making movies that blow.

LDS priesthood holders should follow the example of the Prophet Joseph Smith, who treated every one of his 34 wives with respect and kindness.

Testimonies were borne, hearts were touched, Diet Cokes were shared.

You men are already being nice enough to your wives. You don’t need to feel guilty if they’re not happy.

We understand that there are times when family budgets make tithing a real hardship. But it’s precisely in times of trial that we stand most in need of blessings. And the greatest blessing a struggling family could receive is a kindly bishop cutting them some slack on their tithing.

The adversary seeks to make all men as miserable as he is. That’s how effed up his plan is.

Zippity doo dah, zippity eh, my oh my it’s a wonderful day . . .

And that’s why we’re so glad to welcome our two newest members of the Quorum of the Twelve, Elder Horacio Ramirez, and Elder Mbabwe Olanbangwe.

In the final six years of his ministry, when our beloved President Ezra Taft Benson had completely lost his marbles . . .

As I stand here in my gray suit and off-white shirt, wearing my Jerry Garcia tie . . .

Look, just call me Tom Monson. I’m tired of that stupid initial.

One night, after we’d made love, my wife and I were talking about . . .

After which, Sister Marlene K. Smith, of the general Primary presidency, will deliver a substantive theological address.

Back in the early days of the church, when women held the priesthood . . .

As Rob Zombie has so eloquently put it . . .

“No, no, honey,” I said to my sweetheart. “Your graduate work is far more important than my dreams of a law career. Let me raise the children for a few years.”

Area Men Recover from Annual Mother’s Day Self-Flagellation Rituals

LINDON, UT—The men of the Lindon Hills 43rd Ward are still exhausted from their rigorous Mother’s Day celebrations. “We try to go the extra mile in showing our wives and mothers how much they mean to us and how utterly unworthy we are to even be in their presence,” explained Bishop Bob Creeley. “It’s a day of cleansing the soul and of intense groveling for us men.”

The sacrament meeting program started out with a talk by Brother Hugh Castleton, the high priest group leader. “My mother tended a half-acre vegetable garden, raised ten children on $15,000 a year, made all our clothes by hand, memorized the entire Book of Mormon, and maintained a perfect size-six figure her entire life,” sobbed Brother Castleton. “She taught herself to play the piano after she went blind at age 34, just so she could say yes to the calling of Primary pianist. Using Braille and the Holy Spirit, she made us all pieced quilts for each of our birthdays. I’ll never forget watching her pray over her quilting frame, waiting for the Spirit to guide her needle to just the right spot.”

Brother Larry Schoendyke, 52, also presented a moving tribute to his mother. “My mother’s last words to me were, ‘Larry, everyone is a child of God and deserves to be trusted,’” he recalled. “Two hours later, she was shot and killed by criminals disguised as Jehovah’s Witnesses, whom she had invited in for cocoa and homemade cookies. But I’ll never forget that wonderful lesson she taught me about trust. What a saint.”

Brother Schoendyke’s talk was followed by a musical interlude. The Sackcloth-and-Ashes Quartet, made up of four male ward members, sang a song they wrote themselves called “I’m Just a Stupid Man But Please Allow Me to Worship at the Altar of Motherhood.”

The last man to speak on motherhood was Brother Rick Dalmonico, 23, a new father. “Sometimes when I come home and my wife is nursing our newborn, the spirit is so strong that I feel it would be irreverent to interrupt them,” he confessed. “So I just usually go in the other room and watch football. I wouldn’t want to interfere with something as sacred as precious motherhood.” He added, “Or sometimes I just stay out late with friends instead of coming home. So I won’t interfere with all that holy motherhood stuff. It truly is much more special than we men could ever understand.”

After sacrament meeting, the men of the ward adjourned to the foyer, where they covered their heads, donned black robes, and greeted the women on their knees. When the first woman appeared, they prostrated themselves on the ground and chanted “Miserere Mei” several times. Bishop Creeley then reconfirmed the holiness of women and the utter uselessness of men in his remarks: “We know we’re just men and therefore the only socially acceptable butt of jokes in the LDS culture,” said Bishop Creeley. “We are also aware that we are not entitled to the holy role of mother or even to loosen your sandal straps—we love your sandals, by the way, and you should buy as many more pairs as you want—but please do accept this small token of our worshipfulness, gratitude, and awe.”

The men then presented the mothers with large bouquets of black roses, tied with a ribbon that had the message WE’RE NOT WORTHY written on it in two-inch letters. Each message had been individually written in the men’s own blood the previous Sunday in their elders quorum and high priest groups. “I finally had to nick an artery to get enough blood, and I actually passed out twice,” said Brother Craig Davis, describing the ordeal. “But I know my small trial was nothing compared to the travails of laboring to bring a child into the world, which my sweet, dear wife has done twice now, without any pain medication.” He added, “She actually recited psalms instead of screaming. What a woman.”

Now that the men of the Lindon Hills 43rd ward have had their annual purge of unworthiness, “we can all get back to important man stuff,” admits Brother Schoendyke. He denies rumors that he told his friend that he can now ignore his wife in good conscience for another year.