Study Reveals Cause of Freeway Fast-Lane Abuse

OREM, UT—After a recent federal freeway study identified Utah as having the nation’s highest rate of fast-lane abuse, researchers at Utah Valley State College decided to look deeper into the phenomenon.

“The highest rate of abuse is right here in Utah County,” said Ed O’Neill, a professor in UVSC’s social science department who interviewed dozens of local drivers. “In these people’s minds, the government has given all drivers a clear speed standard that must be precisely obeyed. They don’t want to move aside so someone can sin by speeding—and yes, sin is the word most of them used. By driving slow in the fast lane, they think they’re doing other drivers a spiritual favor.”

In fact, several drivers bore testimony to O’Neill of the inspired righteousness of Utah’s speed limits. “One American Fork resident told me he drives five miles under the speed limit just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally break the law.”

On a related matter, O’Neill learned that Pleasant Grove resident Carl Spainhower is preparing an initiative to remove Las Vegas from directional signs on I-15 southbound. “Freeway signs should not advertise the devil’s playground, as if it were an appropriate destination for children of God,” said Spainhower, who will begin collecting petition signatures next month.