Play-Daters Receive Counsel

SALT LAKE CITY--Nursery and Junior Primary members were counseled today not to engage in intimate play dates too soon. “The youngsters with whom you form play date associations now will become those with whom you will lose your first teeth, play soccer, go to ballet class, take piano lessons, attend homeroom, go to prom, and eventually marry,” said Elder Hugh L. Weaver of the Second Quorum of the Seventies. “It’s important to cultivate good play date associations now, without getting too intimate with any one of your peers.”

Etiquette, he explained, is important for play-dating youth. “I am concerned,” he said, “to read reports of young men of play-date age riding their Big Wheels through young women’s dolly-and-tea parties. Surely this is not behavior that the Savior would condone.” He also encouraged the young women of play-dating age to keep their diapers modestly covered and to support the young men in fulfilling their Primary duties.

Elder Weaver advised the youngsters, ages eighteen months to seven, to not “pair up” in their play dates. The dangers of exclusive play dating, he explained, include “finding yourself in situations you cannot handle--rather like going down a giant twisty slide before you can walk.” Play-daters should seek out wholesome environments, like sunny parks or Primary activities, and should avoid places with raucous music and dark corners, like Chuck E. Cheese’s. “At all costs,” he said, “you should avoid parties where you know sugar is going to be served.”


Draper Ordinance Eliminates the Appearance of Poverty

DRAPER, UT--Knowing that the poor will always be among us, the Draper City Council's recent ordinance banning second-hand stores in its retail district will at least eliminate the appearance of poverty. This zoning strategy will return to the Saints of that city the recently lost but foundational LDS belief that all is well in Zion.

The Draper City Manager indicated that research shows how squalor and poverty follow Deseret Industry stores wherever they appear. Of particular concern is the retarded people who often work the intake areas. "They are just creepy, and sometimes they smell like cigarettes."

A member of the Draper Chamber of Commerce, who requested that her name be withheld, said, "We're trying to make Draper the cultural center of the entire Point of the Mountain area, which is difficult with the prison and the ethnics out in West Valley squeezing in. Putting the kibosh on this DI will send a message to these lazy people who are always looking for a handout. Draper is saying they can just go back to Ogden or Tooele or wherever else tacky poor people go."


Prophet's Profile Is Toast of the Town

KANAB, UT—Viril Jones, owner of the WoW Café and self-described “purveyor of whole grains and other natural foods for storage and home consumption,” feels he has been given a faith-promoting sign that he must share with the LDS community and world at large.

Jones claims that he found the profile of the Prophet Joseph on a piece of whole-wheat toast. “I was just toasting up some bread from a loaf I’d just made with the best organic wheat money can buy. I used the same toaster I always have, from that good LDS company where I got my bread maker. But I’d made this loaf by hand, so maybe that was what the Lord smiled on for me for.”

Jones said he used the toaster’s medium-Semitic setting and out came the slice showing a distinct profile of Joseph, almost identical to the image on the cover of the new Richard Bushman bio. “I know, because I sent my wife over to the local LDS bookstore to borrow a copy for comparison,” Jones said.

The manifestation has caused a sensation in the small town, with people coming to Jones’s small eatery to view the toast in a display case, right next to the cake plate holding unbleached-flour Danishes and brownies. “I thought about putting a glass of organic whole milk in with it, since the prophet felt that whole milk and whole grains made for healthy children, but if it’d spilled I would have ruined this gracious gift, and I don’t want to be accountable for that.”

When asked, restaurant patrons seem willing to accept this as a sign of divine favor. “Why should the Catholics and Evangelicals get all the signs in food, oil slicks, trees, and urinals?” one local man asked. Another one chimed in, “I agree—we’re the true religion, so it’s appropriate for the Lord to manifest his will and pleasure through us on a piece of healthy bread, thus confirming both Joseph’s calling as prophet and the doctrine of the Word of Wisdom.”

As news of the “prophet toast” has spread, unconfirmed reports have followed claiming sightings of Brigham Young in a bowl of vanilla ice cream at a ward social and Wilford Woodruff in a batch of Relief Society brownies. When asked his opinion of the veracity of these other sightings, Jones shrugged. “At first it seemed a little suspect, since those aren’t exactly healthy foods. But on further thought, they did take place at sanctioned church events. When you think about it, ice cream has milk and is made with salt, and brownies contain eggs, wheat, and milk, and those are all healthy things, so why not?”

Jones is considering donating the faith-promoting piece of bread to the Church Museum of History and Art for inclusion in the Joseph Smith exhibit. “Either that, or we’ll sell it on eBay.”