Excess meat scandal rocks seminary presidency

NAPANEE, ID – A huge blow was delivered to the Napanee High School seminary Thursday when Gary Cole, seminary student body president, was caught eating meat in excess behind the school.

Cole was allegedly in the middle of consuming huge quantities of beef in the form of hamburger, veal, and the highly addictive medium rare rib eye steak when Bro. Anglemeyer, the 10th grade seminary teacher, confronted him.

According to eyewitness McKayla Anderson, Cole was caught “with an open bottle of A-1 in his hand and a piece of steak still hanging out of his mouth.”

“This is a huge smudge on what was once a clean record,” said Anglemeyer. “Not only did Gary flout the Word of Wisdom by eating too much meat, it wasn’t even at a time of winter, famine or excess of hunger.”

Seminary student body second counselor Michael Thisbee said he isn’t surprised by this sudden revelation. “For the past few weeks I’ve thought I’ve been smelling oats on Gary’s breath. And as we all know, oats are the gateway to harder foods. Satan tells you its all right, that it won’t hurt anything. But look at what happens.”

“I can see this spreading like a virus through the student body,” Anglemeyer said, “Students furtively chewing on Slim Jims in the classroom, sneaking into fast food joints for their burger hit, and if things get really bad we’ll lose precious souls to those nefarious all night barbecues I’ve been hearing about.”