MALAD, ID—In a surprise announcement Sunday morning, little Timmy, son of Brother and Sister Smith, declared to a gathering of about 300, “I want to bury my testimony.” Timmy then revealed that he knows the church is true, though he did not elaborate upon this point.
Further, Timmy said, “I love my mom and dad.” Then, in an unprecedented burst of frankness, he added “even though I am sometimes a brat.”
Though these statements gave the ward what seems to be a piercing insight into Timmy’s until now mysterious past, ward analysts are not so sure how verifiable Timmy’s statements are.
“I don’t know,” said Brother Conrad, “his big sister was whispering in his ear the entire time.”
“Timmy’s a real handful in class,” Primary teacher Sister Ripley admitted, “but maybe he’s a spiritual giant trapped inside a little body.”
Thursday
Terry Tempest Williams Caught with Strange Desert
CASTLE VALLEY, UT—Only months after the publication of Mormon author Terry Tempest Williams’s new book celebrating her “erotic” relationship with Utah’s deserts, Williams was caught in a compromising position with Mongolia’s Gobi Desert.
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Man Dials Wrong Number, Gets Mormons Instead of Hot Babes
FARGO, ND—Area resident Frank Mullholland found that he was the victim of either a faulty memory or supernatural promptings when he called 1-900-Hot-Babes early Tuesday morning.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Satan’s Childhood to Blame, Say Scientists
PROVO, UT—A single ancient document, recently uncovered by BYU archeologists in a dig in Cairo, Egypt, shows conclusively that the author of all sin, also known as Satan, may have been the victim of a rotten childhood.
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
Fasting Requirements Loosened
SALT LAKE CITY—To relieve the burden of going without food and water for 24 consecutive hours, members are now allowed to split up their fasting into smaller periods of time. Some members are calling the new approach “fast fasting.”
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
I, Captain Moroni, Having Defeated the Armies of Mr. Incredible
Guest Columnist:
Captain Moroni, Action Figure
I, Captain Moroni, having defeated the armies of Mr. Incredible, now write down the record of my doings.
For behold, it came to pass that in the third year of the reign of King Timmy, that a certain man, having much strength and powers of persuasion, did leave his native land of McDonalds and migrate to the Room of Timmy.
There he did begin to gather followers about him through his persuasive words and great strength. Behold, he said unto them, I, Mr. Incredible, being great of strength and powerful in persuasion, say unto you that we need a new king. Yea, why should we labor under the tyranny of King Timmy, who doth spread us to and fro upon the face of the floor? Behold, one day Timmy doth smile upon us and lo, he plays with us. But Timmy is a capricious king, a king who bestows compassion upon his subjects one day but behold, on the next he treads them into the carpet.
And it came to pass that such was the persuasion of Mr. Incredible that many did follow after him. Yea, the Star Warites, the Brothers of Hasbro, and many others were deceived by Mr. Incredible and began to form secret combinations to bring about the overthrow of King Timmy.
But I, Moroni, being a servant of King Timmy and being the head of his royal army, did rally all those who did believe on the name of Timmy to his defense. And the Sons of the Mutant Turtles did answer my call, as did the Potato Heads, and the Matelites. And behold, we did fortify our strongholds, yea, with Lego, Lincoln Logs, and even Mega Blocs did we strengthen our fortress.
And we did surround our fortress with Bristleblox that our enemy would fall upon them and be impaled. And we did arm ourselves with swords, scimitars, ray guns, nun chucks, and all manner of weapons of every kind.
And behold, the day did come when Mr. Incredible, with his army, did arise from the depths of the land Under the Bed to attack our stronghold. And my people did quake and tremble, for they saw that the Incrediblites (for so did we call them) had made a great and terrible sacrifice of the fairest of virgins, yea, even Barbie, and had thrust her head upon a pike. They had also painted themselves with chocolate insomuch that they did cause my army to quake and tremble.
But we did stand firm in our stronghold atop Mount Bureau, ready for our enemy.
But behold, it came to pass that just as the Incrediblites were attacking, the Mother of Timmy did sweep them into the garbage bag of eternal darkness and did drag them down to Value Village, from whence there is no return. And behold, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Incrediblites.
And thus we see that those who support King Timmy and rally to his cause will indeed be upheld at the last day. In the name of KB Toys, amen.
Captain Moroni, Action Figure
I, Captain Moroni, having defeated the armies of Mr. Incredible, now write down the record of my doings.
For behold, it came to pass that in the third year of the reign of King Timmy, that a certain man, having much strength and powers of persuasion, did leave his native land of McDonalds and migrate to the Room of Timmy.
There he did begin to gather followers about him through his persuasive words and great strength. Behold, he said unto them, I, Mr. Incredible, being great of strength and powerful in persuasion, say unto you that we need a new king. Yea, why should we labor under the tyranny of King Timmy, who doth spread us to and fro upon the face of the floor? Behold, one day Timmy doth smile upon us and lo, he plays with us. But Timmy is a capricious king, a king who bestows compassion upon his subjects one day but behold, on the next he treads them into the carpet.
And it came to pass that such was the persuasion of Mr. Incredible that many did follow after him. Yea, the Star Warites, the Brothers of Hasbro, and many others were deceived by Mr. Incredible and began to form secret combinations to bring about the overthrow of King Timmy.
But I, Moroni, being a servant of King Timmy and being the head of his royal army, did rally all those who did believe on the name of Timmy to his defense. And the Sons of the Mutant Turtles did answer my call, as did the Potato Heads, and the Matelites. And behold, we did fortify our strongholds, yea, with Lego, Lincoln Logs, and even Mega Blocs did we strengthen our fortress.
And we did surround our fortress with Bristleblox that our enemy would fall upon them and be impaled. And we did arm ourselves with swords, scimitars, ray guns, nun chucks, and all manner of weapons of every kind.
And behold, the day did come when Mr. Incredible, with his army, did arise from the depths of the land Under the Bed to attack our stronghold. And my people did quake and tremble, for they saw that the Incrediblites (for so did we call them) had made a great and terrible sacrifice of the fairest of virgins, yea, even Barbie, and had thrust her head upon a pike. They had also painted themselves with chocolate insomuch that they did cause my army to quake and tremble.
But we did stand firm in our stronghold atop Mount Bureau, ready for our enemy.
But behold, it came to pass that just as the Incrediblites were attacking, the Mother of Timmy did sweep them into the garbage bag of eternal darkness and did drag them down to Value Village, from whence there is no return. And behold, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Incrediblites.
And thus we see that those who support King Timmy and rally to his cause will indeed be upheld at the last day. In the name of KB Toys, amen.
Area Man Still Unsure about Church Policy on Porn
EAGER, AZ—After listening to the April 2005 general conference, Ted Johansen expressed dismay that the church still hasn’t clarified its position regarding the pornography that’s so widely available today.
“I mean, we know we’re not supposed to gamble or drink coffee, but what about all these nudie pictures available on the Internet?” he asked. “It seems like this is an important enough deal that the church would give us some clear guidance, already. Some of the General Authorities have alluded to this issue, but they just haven’t come out with anything definitive yet.”
“I mean, we know we’re not supposed to gamble or drink coffee, but what about all these nudie pictures available on the Internet?” he asked. “It seems like this is an important enough deal that the church would give us some clear guidance, already. Some of the General Authorities have alluded to this issue, but they just haven’t come out with anything definitive yet.”
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