Man’s Addiction to Wife Destroying Relationship with Porn

AUSTIN, TX—After years of commitment and fidelity, Austin resident Jesse Bingham is watching his relationship with porn being torn apart by his raging addiction to his wife.

“I never thought it would happen to me,” said Bingham, sitting in an apartment rife with the telltale signs of wife addiction: photographs, love letters, gifts. “My relationship with my porn was a deep one. I only had eyes for the girls in the magazines, the videos, or on the Internet, but then, one day. . .”

According to sources close to Bingham, his descent into wife addiction started innocently enough. “He just went to a dance,” said Torvald Hampton, a college buddy, “It wasn’t like he was pursuing an addiction to a real live woman. He was just curious. But once he had a taste, he just couldn’t keep away.”

Hampton went on to recount numerous nights spent watching porn videos alone in his apartment, his once faithful friend out feeding the bottomless pit of his new addiction. “Man, sometimes he just went too far, bringing Nancy right into the apartment here. I mean, what was I supposed to do? He’d sit there on the couch, the very couch where we first watched Bilious Lesbian Circus Vendors, and put his arm around her waist!”

Bingham’s psychologist, with permission from Bingham, says he shows all the signs of a deepening spouse addiction. “He spent all his money on her. He neglected his magazines, missed his weekly visits to the Hentai Hut of Hooters, and started getting up in the middle of the night to write e-mails to his beloved. I tell you, it’s a classic case.”

More disturbing still are accounts from Bingham’s family that he actually started showing signs of caring about the woman who would, one dark day, become his wife. “He took care of her for a whole week while she was sick,” said Sara Bingham, Jesse’s younger sister. “Took leave from work and everything. She threw up on him, which should have given him a clue. But no. Jesse was too far gone by then. What kind of expectation is he setting for me here?”

Bingham admits that he is completely enveloped by his addiction to his wife. “I think about her constantly. I go home to her every chance I get. I’ve barely seen my porn since my wife addiction started. And when I do . . . I don’t know, the trust just isn’t there anymore, you know? But the fact is, my wife has set the standard too high. I have unrealistic expectations for my porn now, and it just can’t live up to those.”

Bingham swears he has tried to go back to his porn, “but I just expect all these perverse things, like warmth, flirtation, care, and an actual female body, that my porn just cannot put out.”

Bingham and his porn are on a trial separation to see if they can work out their differences. His porn has gone to Hampton’s apartment for the duration of the separation.

Remember, Honey, You’re Always Number Two with Me

Guest Columnist: Martin J. Wood

Before I go to perform my duties as stake president, I just want to reassure you, honey: you’ll always be number two with me.

Yep, don’t you worry. Ever since that day so long ago on the temple lawn, when I proposed to you, I’ve made it very clear that you would always come in a solid second.

“Honey,” I said, with tears in my eyes, “the church will always be first in my life, but I want you to take the second spot.”

I was so overcome when you accepted me. It was a great day in my life. And two minutes later, when I drove off to do my home teaching, I was still thinking about my commitment to the church and how you’d be right next in line. And will we ever forget our honeymoon at the welfare farm? What a wonderful way to start a marriage.

I’m sure you remember my diligence in earning my law degree. After all, I had to fulfill my priesthood duty to earn money and respect for our family and the church. I’d come home so tired from my studies, but there you’d be, sometimes still in your Denny’s uniform, cooking up dinner for our four children and me. We didn’t have a lot, but we made the money stretch. And somehow we scraped enough together to get me that Italian lambs-wool suit with gold cufflinks so I could fulfill my calling as Sunday school president in appropriate clothing. We had just enough left over to buy you the nicest dress on the five-dollar rack at DI.

I don’t think you could deny that through all our years together, I’ve always kept my word. I never forgot to put you right up there in second place. Remember all those years when I was a bishop, and the years before that I spent as elders quorum president? I always got to you second. For instance, remember our eighth anniversary? Remember my diligence when I forsook our dinner date and left you with our lovely children to attend the stake public relations meeting? But on the way home I picked some flowers from the flowerbed for you.

I enjoy recounting that incident in stake conference to inspire the other priesthood holders in the stake to be so dedicated. Someday I hope to share it in a session of general conference, though I’m sure by then I’ll have many more examples.

Maybe I could share that time when we gave the money you had saved for your little college courses to the Friends of Scouting, making us Golden Eagle contributors. Or my tears when you called me from the hospital to tell me about the birth of our twins. I was so excited, I told everyone at the elders quorum reactivation bowling activity about it.

No, don’t speak, honey. I can see it all in the tears streaming down your face. This always happens when I recount my diligence. You’re so grateful to have a man who sticks by his promise, who always exalts his wife to her proper place. Second. Right after the church.
And I promise, honey, I promise to always do so. You’re worth it. Roast beef for dinner tonight, OK?

Mother Concerned About Son’s Righteousness

RIGBY, ID—Bertha Harrison, wife and mother of nine, recently confronted her oldest son, Roger, about his inability to “hold to the iron rod.”

Among her major concerns was the fact that Roger never closes his eyes and bows his head while the family watches a general conference prayer on television. Also, he never sings along with the hymns while watching general conference. “The congregation is clearly supposed to be singing along,” Harrison said. “The words are being flashed up on the screen and everything!”

Among Harrison’s other concerns about her wayward son is the fact that he takes aspirin even though everyone knows aspirin tablets contain traces of caffeine.

Area Man Alleges General Conference Reruns

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Melvin Fingdingler of the Springville 13th Ward believes that the church has been showing old reruns of general conference during April and October for the past several years.

According to Fingdingler, the realization came when, this past April, he awoke briefly from his semi-annual general conference nap to hear the monotone words of a talk he was almost sure he had heard before.

“I thought I was dreaming until I distinctly heard the speaker say, ‘I lift thee and thou lift me, and we both will rise together,’” explained Fingdingler. “That line piqued my curiosity, since I was almost positive I’d heard the same speaker say it with the same intonation years ago.”

Fingdingler began rummaging through the old general conference videotapes that his wife keeps next to the Living Scripture videos under the television. Upon reviewing a conference tape from April 1997, he confirmed his theory that the church is just rerunning old general conferences.

“My first thought was, why hasn’t anyone else noticed this yet?” Fingdingler remarked. “But then I began to think about it and just decided that, you know, it’s all good. Read your scriptures, be good, say your prayers, et cetera. How many times can you change up those themes in an effort to make them sound interesting? Please. These men may have the priesthood, but they’re not magicians.”

Fingdingler called church headquarters to inquire about the reruns. He said he was given the runaround by a secretary who declined to give her name. She did, however, end the awkward phone call by explaining to Fingdingler her own opinion as to why the church began showing conference reruns.

“I think at first the church would rotate the same talk themes every few years, but then they just kind of thought, what’s the point?” said the secretary. “It’s kind of like the whole sealed portion of the Book of Mormon thing, you know? We’ll never get the sealed portion until we’re living the doctrine already revealed. I guess we still haven’t incorporated that talk about member missionary work from 1998, so the church just decided to keep showing it until we do.”

Girls No Longer Allowed to Sing Missionary Song

BOUNTIFUL, UT—Several adjacent stakes in this heavily Mormon suburb have joined together to prohibit young females from singing the popular Primary song “I Hope They Call Me on a Mission.”

“Too many of our young women are still behaving as if the Lord expects them to serve missions,” said Bountiful East Bench stake president Curt Patterson. “The prophet has made it clear that girls don’t need to serve missions and shouldn’t feel any obligation. But this song is indoctrinating our young ladies otherwise.”

The song is still being sung in Primaries throughout the stakes, but only by the boys. “For now, we’re asking the girls to reverently bow their heads during this song and keep their mouths shut,” says stake Primary music director Linda Willis. “We’re thinking about writing alternative lyrics for them to sing. We’ve already got a first line: ‘I hope he asks me to get married, when I have grown a cup size or two.’”