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Priesthood Holder Asks, “Where’s The Sizzle?”

SANTAQUIN, UT—On a recent Sunday, area priesthood holder Dave Bons felt “a major disconnect” when his elders quorum president invited the brethren to attend a 7:00 a.m. stake priesthood meeting the following Sunday.

“All he did was stand up and state the time and place of the meeting,” said Bons. “His voice was monotone, and he said nothing about any features or benefits of the meeting. I couldn’t help asking myself, ‘Where’s the razzle-dazzle? Where’s the sizzle?’”

Bons said he might have considered attending if any tantalizing teasers had been provided. “Was there going to be a special guest speaker? A dynamic new gospel program? Some key piece of revelation for our particular place and time? A new look and feel for the stake newsletter? A new pill that cures pornography addiction?”

Bons says that he considers himself a gospel consumer. “I pay a lot of money into the Church, and I want a little romancing in return.”

In apparent response to his concerns, on Saturday afternoon, Bons found a postcard-sized piece of goldenrod paper taped to his front door that said, in 12-point Times New Roman italic font: Come to stake priesthood meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00. It will strengthen your family.

“I suppose that’s a start,” Bons said, “I dunno—I guess I just want to be targeted by a real Church marketing campaign for a change.”

Study Reveals Cause of Freeway Fast-Lane Abuse

OREM, UT—After a recent federal freeway study identified Utah as having the nation’s highest rate of fast-lane abuse, researchers at Utah Valley State College decided to look deeper into the phenomenon.

“The highest rate of abuse is right here in Utah County,” said Ed O’Neill, a professor in UVSC’s social science department who interviewed dozens of local drivers. “In these people’s minds, the government has given all drivers a clear speed standard that must be precisely obeyed. They don’t want to move aside so someone can sin by speeding—and yes, sin is the word most of them used. By driving slow in the fast lane, they think they’re doing other drivers a spiritual favor.”

In fact, several drivers bore testimony to O’Neill of the inspired righteousness of Utah’s speed limits. “One American Fork resident told me he drives five miles under the speed limit just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally break the law.”

On a related matter, O’Neill learned that Pleasant Grove resident Carl Spainhower is preparing an initiative to remove Las Vegas from directional signs on I-15 southbound. “Freeway signs should not advertise the devil’s playground, as if it were an appropriate destination for children of God,” said Spainhower, who will begin collecting petition signatures next month.

Views from the Street

Question: What was your response to the recent challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year?


I didn’t have time to read any scriptures because I was too busy writing my own.

I downloaded it onto my iPod Shuffle, and I think it played all the chapters, but they weren't in order, so I can't be sure.

I distinctly heard him say to read David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster. Oh, wait—maybe that was the New Yorker critic.

I chose to obey a higher law: avoiding reading material that features gratuitous violence.

Every time I tried to read, the ghost of Mark Twain appeared, held a chemical-smelling handkerchief over my nose, and made me pass out.

I made a commitment to read one word each morning. I'm already to 1 Nephi 1:21, halfway through the verse.

New Convert Discovers Hollywood Movies in LDS Scripture

Alexandria, VA—While doing some database searching in preparation for a sacrament talk, recent convert Preston Holdaway came across references to two popular Hollywood films in general conference proceedings.

“I’m amazed, because general conference talks are nothing less than modern-day scripture,” Holdaway said. “Maybe Hollywood isn’t so far removed from us after all.”

In the April 1991 Sunday morning session, President Thomas S. Monson talked at length about the movie Home Alone. In an April 1997 priesthood session talk titled “They Will Come,” President Monson testified about the movie Field of Dreams.

After making the discoveries, Holdaway immediately rented both films and watched them several times, searching for new spiritual insights. He expressed his hopes that future general conference talks will reference Harry Potter, The Matrix, and Lord of the Rings, thus making those movies part of Mormon scripture too.