Do you come out of church feeling more depressed than when you entered? Find yourself wanting to stir up a good fight over women’s issues in Relief Society? Try these tips for a more spirit-filled three-hour block:
• Ritually cutting yourself—say ten times per arm each Saturday night—lets more of the Spirit in. That red stuff? It’s the evil leaving.
• Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? Of course not. You were stealing just five more minutes of sleep. Don’t worry about it—all the opening and closing prayers over the next three hours will more than make up for your lack.
• (Women only) If you don’t have the spiritual strength to think about Jesus through the entire sacrament, at least try to think about your favorite painter of Jesus. Did he have dark, smoldering eyes? Did he paint with his shirt half-unbuttoned, with the soft morning sun shimmering on the ripples of his washboard abs? Mmm. Yeah.
• (Men only) Sit next to a hot chick. At least that way, you're feeling SOMETHING.
• More than five hours of Internet porn a night? That’s going to interfere a little with our goal, my friend.
• Think about how much you are making Satan cry right now, just by sitting there pretending to listen to the high councillor. Now, picture yourself taunting the Lord of Darkness and dancing in a circle around his cowering form. Also, you’re stabbing him in the ribs with a javelin. There. Don’t you feel more spiritual?
• Do you have kids? And do you bring a bag for them filled with goodies and games? The Spirit speaks more strongly to those who snack on gummi bears and race Hot Wheels up and down the pew, you know.
• Build a rameumpton out of hymnals, and use it.
• Just LOOKING like you’re feeling the Spirit can help. Grimace thoughtfully over whatever game you’re playing on your PDA. And don’t forget to put it on silent.
• The Lord spoke to Moses from a burning bush. Can he also speak to someone from a burning pew? Only one way to find out.
• Christ said to consider the lilies of the field. Do you think lilies wear clothes to church? Go thou and do likewise. Tight shoes and neckties can strangle the Spirit right out of you.
• It could be that the people around you are preventing you from feeling anything. Deal with them.
• Create a spirit antenna out of a roll of tin foil.
• If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not feeling the Spirit, you're pretty much just wasting your time. Try napping. Or just go home.
Wednesday
Church Head's Title Now Includes "CEO"
SALT LAKE CITY--The LDS Church has announced that the alternative title for its President is now Prophet, Seer, and Chief Executive Officer.
"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."
The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.
"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."
The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.
Area Man Believes Sheri Dew Is Condoleezza Rice
MANTI, UTAH--Local resident Carl Sagers has put forward a theory that some experts are finding unexpectedly plausible: well-known Mormon women's leader and Deseret Book executive Sheri Dew is leading a double-life as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.
"Dew can rise only so far inside Mormonism," says Sagers. "To fulfill her ambitions, she puts on black face and jumps into the national arena as Condoleezza."
Sagers has produced a chart showing that neither woman's public appearances have ever overlapped with each other. "When Dew disappears on some kind of mysterious business trip, that's when Rice starts showing up in the media visiting all these hotspots around the world," Sagers asserts.
In addition, he believes the name "Condoleezza" reveals clues to the Dew connection. "Dew owns a 'condo' and has a neice named 'Eliza'--it's not too much of a stretch to combine those two names. The double ZZ could reflect the boredom she feels in her Mormon role."
When asked about the allegation, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Hah, that's a hoot. As if a Mormon black woman could ever gain such a high office."
Thursday
Priesthood Holder Asks, “Where’s The Sizzle?”
SANTAQUIN, UT—On a recent Sunday, area priesthood holder Dave Bons felt “a major disconnect” when his elders quorum president invited the brethren to attend a 7:00 a.m. stake priesthood meeting the following Sunday.
“All he did was stand up and state the time and place of the meeting,” said Bons. “His voice was monotone, and he said nothing about any features or benefits of the meeting. I couldn’t help asking myself, ‘Where’s the razzle-dazzle? Where’s the sizzle?’”
Bons said he might have considered attending if any tantalizing teasers had been provided. “Was there going to be a special guest speaker? A dynamic new gospel program? Some key piece of revelation for our particular place and time? A new look and feel for the stake newsletter? A new pill that cures pornography addiction?”
Bons says that he considers himself a gospel consumer. “I pay a lot of money into the Church, and I want a little romancing in return.”
In apparent response to his concerns, on Saturday afternoon, Bons found a postcard-sized piece of goldenrod paper taped to his front door that said, in 12-point Times New Roman italic font: Come to stake priesthood meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00. It will strengthen your family.
“I suppose that’s a start,” Bons said, “I dunno—I guess I just want to be targeted by a real Church marketing campaign for a change.”
“All he did was stand up and state the time and place of the meeting,” said Bons. “His voice was monotone, and he said nothing about any features or benefits of the meeting. I couldn’t help asking myself, ‘Where’s the razzle-dazzle? Where’s the sizzle?’”
Bons said he might have considered attending if any tantalizing teasers had been provided. “Was there going to be a special guest speaker? A dynamic new gospel program? Some key piece of revelation for our particular place and time? A new look and feel for the stake newsletter? A new pill that cures pornography addiction?”
Bons says that he considers himself a gospel consumer. “I pay a lot of money into the Church, and I want a little romancing in return.”
In apparent response to his concerns, on Saturday afternoon, Bons found a postcard-sized piece of goldenrod paper taped to his front door that said, in 12-point Times New Roman italic font: Come to stake priesthood meeting tomorrow morning at 7:00. It will strengthen your family.
“I suppose that’s a start,” Bons said, “I dunno—I guess I just want to be targeted by a real Church marketing campaign for a change.”
Study Reveals Cause of Freeway Fast-Lane Abuse
OREM, UT—After a recent federal freeway study identified Utah as having the nation’s highest rate of fast-lane abuse, researchers at Utah Valley State College decided to look deeper into the phenomenon.
“The highest rate of abuse is right here in Utah County,” said Ed O’Neill, a professor in UVSC’s social science department who interviewed dozens of local drivers. “In these people’s minds, the government has given all drivers a clear speed standard that must be precisely obeyed. They don’t want to move aside so someone can sin by speeding—and yes, sin is the word most of them used. By driving slow in the fast lane, they think they’re doing other drivers a spiritual favor.”
In fact, several drivers bore testimony to O’Neill of the inspired righteousness of Utah’s speed limits. “One American Fork resident told me he drives five miles under the speed limit just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally break the law.”
On a related matter, O’Neill learned that Pleasant Grove resident Carl Spainhower is preparing an initiative to remove Las Vegas from directional signs on I-15 southbound. “Freeway signs should not advertise the devil’s playground, as if it were an appropriate destination for children of God,” said Spainhower, who will begin collecting petition signatures next month.
“The highest rate of abuse is right here in Utah County,” said Ed O’Neill, a professor in UVSC’s social science department who interviewed dozens of local drivers. “In these people’s minds, the government has given all drivers a clear speed standard that must be precisely obeyed. They don’t want to move aside so someone can sin by speeding—and yes, sin is the word most of them used. By driving slow in the fast lane, they think they’re doing other drivers a spiritual favor.”
In fact, several drivers bore testimony to O’Neill of the inspired righteousness of Utah’s speed limits. “One American Fork resident told me he drives five miles under the speed limit just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally break the law.”
On a related matter, O’Neill learned that Pleasant Grove resident Carl Spainhower is preparing an initiative to remove Las Vegas from directional signs on I-15 southbound. “Freeway signs should not advertise the devil’s playground, as if it were an appropriate destination for children of God,” said Spainhower, who will begin collecting petition signatures next month.
Views from the Street
Question: What was your response to the recent challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year?
Responses:
I didn’t have time to read any scriptures because I was too busy writing my own.
I downloaded it onto my iPod Shuffle, and I think it played all the chapters, but they weren't in order, so I can't be sure.
I distinctly heard him say to read David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster. Oh, wait—maybe that was the New Yorker critic.
I chose to obey a higher law: avoiding reading material that features gratuitous violence.
Every time I tried to read, the ghost of Mark Twain appeared, held a chemical-smelling handkerchief over my nose, and made me pass out.
I made a commitment to read one word each morning. I'm already to 1 Nephi 1:21, halfway through the verse.
Responses:
I didn’t have time to read any scriptures because I was too busy writing my own.
I downloaded it onto my iPod Shuffle, and I think it played all the chapters, but they weren't in order, so I can't be sure.
I distinctly heard him say to read David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster. Oh, wait—maybe that was the New Yorker critic.
I chose to obey a higher law: avoiding reading material that features gratuitous violence.
Every time I tried to read, the ghost of Mark Twain appeared, held a chemical-smelling handkerchief over my nose, and made me pass out.
I made a commitment to read one word each morning. I'm already to 1 Nephi 1:21, halfway through the verse.
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