RIGBY, ID—Bertha Harrison, wife and mother of nine, recently confronted her oldest son, Roger, about his inability to “hold to the iron rod.”
Among her major concerns was the fact that Roger never closes his eyes and bows his head while the family watches a general conference prayer on television. Also, he never sings along with the hymns while watching general conference. “The congregation is clearly supposed to be singing along,” Harrison said. “The words are being flashed up on the screen and everything!”
Among Harrison’s other concerns about her wayward son is the fact that he takes aspirin even though everyone knows aspirin tablets contain traces of caffeine.
Thursday
Area Man Alleges General Conference Reruns
SPRINGVILLE, UT—Melvin Fingdingler of the Springville 13th Ward believes that the church has been showing old reruns of general conference during April and October for the past several years.
According to Fingdingler, the realization came when, this past April, he awoke briefly from his semi-annual general conference nap to hear the monotone words of a talk he was almost sure he had heard before.
“I thought I was dreaming until I distinctly heard the speaker say, ‘I lift thee and thou lift me, and we both will rise together,’” explained Fingdingler. “That line piqued my curiosity, since I was almost positive I’d heard the same speaker say it with the same intonation years ago.”
Fingdingler began rummaging through the old general conference videotapes that his wife keeps next to the Living Scripture videos under the television. Upon reviewing a conference tape from April 1997, he confirmed his theory that the church is just rerunning old general conferences.
“My first thought was, why hasn’t anyone else noticed this yet?” Fingdingler remarked. “But then I began to think about it and just decided that, you know, it’s all good. Read your scriptures, be good, say your prayers, et cetera. How many times can you change up those themes in an effort to make them sound interesting? Please. These men may have the priesthood, but they’re not magicians.”
Fingdingler called church headquarters to inquire about the reruns. He said he was given the runaround by a secretary who declined to give her name. She did, however, end the awkward phone call by explaining to Fingdingler her own opinion as to why the church began showing conference reruns.
“I think at first the church would rotate the same talk themes every few years, but then they just kind of thought, what’s the point?” said the secretary. “It’s kind of like the whole sealed portion of the Book of Mormon thing, you know? We’ll never get the sealed portion until we’re living the doctrine already revealed. I guess we still haven’t incorporated that talk about member missionary work from 1998, so the church just decided to keep showing it until we do.”
According to Fingdingler, the realization came when, this past April, he awoke briefly from his semi-annual general conference nap to hear the monotone words of a talk he was almost sure he had heard before.
“I thought I was dreaming until I distinctly heard the speaker say, ‘I lift thee and thou lift me, and we both will rise together,’” explained Fingdingler. “That line piqued my curiosity, since I was almost positive I’d heard the same speaker say it with the same intonation years ago.”
Fingdingler began rummaging through the old general conference videotapes that his wife keeps next to the Living Scripture videos under the television. Upon reviewing a conference tape from April 1997, he confirmed his theory that the church is just rerunning old general conferences.
“My first thought was, why hasn’t anyone else noticed this yet?” Fingdingler remarked. “But then I began to think about it and just decided that, you know, it’s all good. Read your scriptures, be good, say your prayers, et cetera. How many times can you change up those themes in an effort to make them sound interesting? Please. These men may have the priesthood, but they’re not magicians.”
Fingdingler called church headquarters to inquire about the reruns. He said he was given the runaround by a secretary who declined to give her name. She did, however, end the awkward phone call by explaining to Fingdingler her own opinion as to why the church began showing conference reruns.
“I think at first the church would rotate the same talk themes every few years, but then they just kind of thought, what’s the point?” said the secretary. “It’s kind of like the whole sealed portion of the Book of Mormon thing, you know? We’ll never get the sealed portion until we’re living the doctrine already revealed. I guess we still haven’t incorporated that talk about member missionary work from 1998, so the church just decided to keep showing it until we do.”
Girls No Longer Allowed to Sing Missionary Song
BOUNTIFUL, UT—Several adjacent stakes in this heavily Mormon suburb have joined together to prohibit young females from singing the popular Primary song “I Hope They Call Me on a Mission.”
“Too many of our young women are still behaving as if the Lord expects them to serve missions,” said Bountiful East Bench stake president Curt Patterson. “The prophet has made it clear that girls don’t need to serve missions and shouldn’t feel any obligation. But this song is indoctrinating our young ladies otherwise.”
The song is still being sung in Primaries throughout the stakes, but only by the boys. “For now, we’re asking the girls to reverently bow their heads during this song and keep their mouths shut,” says stake Primary music director Linda Willis. “We’re thinking about writing alternative lyrics for them to sing. We’ve already got a first line: ‘I hope he asks me to get married, when I have grown a cup size or two.’”
“Too many of our young women are still behaving as if the Lord expects them to serve missions,” said Bountiful East Bench stake president Curt Patterson. “The prophet has made it clear that girls don’t need to serve missions and shouldn’t feel any obligation. But this song is indoctrinating our young ladies otherwise.”
The song is still being sung in Primaries throughout the stakes, but only by the boys. “For now, we’re asking the girls to reverently bow their heads during this song and keep their mouths shut,” says stake Primary music director Linda Willis. “We’re thinking about writing alternative lyrics for them to sing. We’ve already got a first line: ‘I hope he asks me to get married, when I have grown a cup size or two.’”
Things That Seem Like They Would Be Funny, But Are Not
• Using grilled cheese sandwiches for the sacrament
• Slipping into Relief Society and loudly telling any random old lady that you found her diaphragm
• Solemnly appointing high priests to be captains of 50 for the march to Jackson County
• Sending a letter to all the Laurels saying they can wear whatever they want to girls’ camp
• Telling the priests they can serve as priesthood chaperones at girls’ camp
• Standing to bear your testimony, and then falling to the ground screaming and wrestling with an unseen demon
• Telling the nursery leader that, like an apostle, her calling is for life
• Tie-dying your temple garments
• When called upon to read a scripture in Gospel Doctrine, making up something like, “And the Lord sayeth unto the children of men, It is not meet in mine eyes that thou nor thy manservant nor thy maidservant shall witness the Super Bowl, nor the harlots therein, for the Sabbath is mine”
• Telling the choir director to include a drum solo in the next Easter program
• Whispering to that pimply-faced deacon that you know the real reason he had to get glasses
• Referring to the art displayed in the Church Office Building as “Corn in the COB”
• Dumping your fiancée because she’s not physically fit enough to make the walk to Missouri
• Slipping into Relief Society and loudly telling any random old lady that you found her diaphragm
• Solemnly appointing high priests to be captains of 50 for the march to Jackson County
• Sending a letter to all the Laurels saying they can wear whatever they want to girls’ camp
• Telling the priests they can serve as priesthood chaperones at girls’ camp
• Standing to bear your testimony, and then falling to the ground screaming and wrestling with an unseen demon
• Telling the nursery leader that, like an apostle, her calling is for life
• Tie-dying your temple garments
• When called upon to read a scripture in Gospel Doctrine, making up something like, “And the Lord sayeth unto the children of men, It is not meet in mine eyes that thou nor thy manservant nor thy maidservant shall witness the Super Bowl, nor the harlots therein, for the Sabbath is mine”
• Telling the choir director to include a drum solo in the next Easter program
• Whispering to that pimply-faced deacon that you know the real reason he had to get glasses
• Referring to the art displayed in the Church Office Building as “Corn in the COB”
• Dumping your fiancée because she’s not physically fit enough to make the walk to Missouri
New Microchip Tracks Seventies’ Migration Patterns
SALT LAKE CITY—As the first year of the Seventies tracking program winds up, scientists are trying to interpret the information they’ve received from tiny microchips planted in the earlobes of newly called members of all Quorums of the Seventy.
The study, performed by sociologists and wildlife biologists at the University of Illinois Urbana and funded by the U.S. Department of Wildlife, has successfully gathered transmissions from the microchips about the whereabouts of the Seventies.
“It was a question that frankly had the whole nation puzzled,” said Dr. Tim Miner, head of the project. “A slew of new Seventies would be introduced at general conference, and then we’d never hear from them again until about five years later, when they’d show up to be released.”
The burning question, Miner stated, was, “Where on earth do these brethren disappear to?”
To answer that question, scientists applied a local anesthetic and inserted a microchip into the earlobe of each Seventy as he left the Conference Center after the April 2004 session of general conference. During the next year, the scientists used sophisticated instruments to track the position of each Seventy all over the globe.
“It was a time-consuming task,” admitted Frank D. Weyerhauser, head of the surveillance team. “Those guys are all over the place. And sometimes the microchips would malfunction and we’d have to track the guy down. But wouldn’t you know it, in most cases not even their wives knew where they were.”
When worse came to worst, the tracking team had to chase down an errant Seventy in a helicopter and shoot him with tranquilizer darts in order to insert a new microchip.
“Sometimes we’d catch one in the middle of a sermon and have to down him in front of all those people,” said Weyerhauser. “He’d get kinda groggy and incoherent, but no one really seemed to notice.”
Miner says the data they’ve gathered so far is yet to be interpreted. “All I can say is that, in all my years of studying the migration pattern of humpback whales and ribboned seals, I have never seen a species so given to world travel,” he said.
“Our initial findings show intense activity in Jackson County, Missouri; Jerusalem; and Cancun, Mexico,” said Miner. “We have theories about the goings on in the first two places, but we’re baffled by Cancun. Is there a temple there or something?”
The study, performed by sociologists and wildlife biologists at the University of Illinois Urbana and funded by the U.S. Department of Wildlife, has successfully gathered transmissions from the microchips about the whereabouts of the Seventies.
“It was a question that frankly had the whole nation puzzled,” said Dr. Tim Miner, head of the project. “A slew of new Seventies would be introduced at general conference, and then we’d never hear from them again until about five years later, when they’d show up to be released.”
The burning question, Miner stated, was, “Where on earth do these brethren disappear to?”
To answer that question, scientists applied a local anesthetic and inserted a microchip into the earlobe of each Seventy as he left the Conference Center after the April 2004 session of general conference. During the next year, the scientists used sophisticated instruments to track the position of each Seventy all over the globe.
“It was a time-consuming task,” admitted Frank D. Weyerhauser, head of the surveillance team. “Those guys are all over the place. And sometimes the microchips would malfunction and we’d have to track the guy down. But wouldn’t you know it, in most cases not even their wives knew where they were.”
When worse came to worst, the tracking team had to chase down an errant Seventy in a helicopter and shoot him with tranquilizer darts in order to insert a new microchip.
“Sometimes we’d catch one in the middle of a sermon and have to down him in front of all those people,” said Weyerhauser. “He’d get kinda groggy and incoherent, but no one really seemed to notice.”
Miner says the data they’ve gathered so far is yet to be interpreted. “All I can say is that, in all my years of studying the migration pattern of humpback whales and ribboned seals, I have never seen a species so given to world travel,” he said.
“Our initial findings show intense activity in Jackson County, Missouri; Jerusalem; and Cancun, Mexico,” said Miner. “We have theories about the goings on in the first two places, but we’re baffled by Cancun. Is there a temple there or something?”
Monday
New Church Buildings to Include Primary Playplace
SALT LAKE CITY—In a move that Primary leaders everywhere are cheering, the Church Building Committee has unveiled a new chapel plan featuring a two-story Playplace attached to the Primary room.
The addition was inspired by a Logan stake primary president’s visit to an area McDonald’s. “One look at that indoor Playland, and I knew I’d found the answer to our reverence problems,” said President Sandra McClure. She sent her idea to Church headquarters, where it was greeted with enthusiasm.
Playlands have already been built as a pilot project in several stakes, and all the leaders are calling it a success. The design includes a Manna Pit full of round, soft plastic balls; a 20-foot-high Jacob’s Ladder that leads to a platform called the Rameumptom; and a slide called the Slippery Slope of Sin. During Primary, children are rotated through the structure by age group for fifteen-minute intervals.
"With these scriptural names, we figure kids will get more out of Primary than they ever did," said President McClure.
The addition was inspired by a Logan stake primary president’s visit to an area McDonald’s. “One look at that indoor Playland, and I knew I’d found the answer to our reverence problems,” said President Sandra McClure. She sent her idea to Church headquarters, where it was greeted with enthusiasm.
Playlands have already been built as a pilot project in several stakes, and all the leaders are calling it a success. The design includes a Manna Pit full of round, soft plastic balls; a 20-foot-high Jacob’s Ladder that leads to a platform called the Rameumptom; and a slide called the Slippery Slope of Sin. During Primary, children are rotated through the structure by age group for fifteen-minute intervals.
"With these scriptural names, we figure kids will get more out of Primary than they ever did," said President McClure.
Church Leaders Perform Mass Food Blessing
SALT LAKE CITY—In meeting led by Elder Alan D. Simmons in the Conference Center today, the 12th Quorum of the Seventy pronounced a blessing on “all food eaten anywhere, by anyone, at any time present or future.” What has already become known as the MegaBlessing is expected to save thousands of man-hours each year because members will no longer have to bless each meal individually.
A jubilant Elder Simmons announced the action in a press conference. ”Well, we did it. We weren’t sure we’d have enough faith to bring it off, but we pulled together and did it! Woo! Afterwards, we were all like high-fiving and hugging each other, we were so excited. Wow. What a moment!”
Although the exact wording of the prayer has not yet been released, Simmons assured reporters that the combined agricultural and livestock output of the world has now been blessed with the ability to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” and will now “do us the good that we need” in perpetuity. The blessing also extends to all the “hands that prepared it.”
“It was originally [Elder] Gene [L. Richardson]’s idea,” said Simmons. “When he was a mission president, he once blessed all the food in all his missionaries’ apartments so they’d have more time to proselyte. So when he was called to be a GA, he figured, hey, why not?”
Church members have received the news joyfully. “What an inspired idea!” said Taylorsville member Susan Kendall. “I’m so tired in the morning that sometimes I fall asleep while blessing my breakfast. And whenever I let the kids bless dinner, it would be cold by the time they were done and no one could understand what they said anyway. Now all that is a thing of the past!”
The MegaBlessing is not all encompassing, however. Simmons pointed out that “substances prohibited by the Word of Wisdom will continue to be cursed.”
The success of the MegaBlessing has prompted speculation about possible follow-ups. “We’re considering a MegaBlessing II to bless all the travelers in the world that they would arrive home in safety,” said Simmons. “But that’s obviously a much bigger challenge. Personally, I think we’d need another dozen or so Quorums of the Seventy to get on board before we could muster the spiritual power to even attempt it.”
A jubilant Elder Simmons announced the action in a press conference. ”Well, we did it. We weren’t sure we’d have enough faith to bring it off, but we pulled together and did it! Woo! Afterwards, we were all like high-fiving and hugging each other, we were so excited. Wow. What a moment!”
Although the exact wording of the prayer has not yet been released, Simmons assured reporters that the combined agricultural and livestock output of the world has now been blessed with the ability to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” and will now “do us the good that we need” in perpetuity. The blessing also extends to all the “hands that prepared it.”
“It was originally [Elder] Gene [L. Richardson]’s idea,” said Simmons. “When he was a mission president, he once blessed all the food in all his missionaries’ apartments so they’d have more time to proselyte. So when he was called to be a GA, he figured, hey, why not?”
Church members have received the news joyfully. “What an inspired idea!” said Taylorsville member Susan Kendall. “I’m so tired in the morning that sometimes I fall asleep while blessing my breakfast. And whenever I let the kids bless dinner, it would be cold by the time they were done and no one could understand what they said anyway. Now all that is a thing of the past!”
The MegaBlessing is not all encompassing, however. Simmons pointed out that “substances prohibited by the Word of Wisdom will continue to be cursed.”
The success of the MegaBlessing has prompted speculation about possible follow-ups. “We’re considering a MegaBlessing II to bless all the travelers in the world that they would arrive home in safety,” said Simmons. “But that’s obviously a much bigger challenge. Personally, I think we’d need another dozen or so Quorums of the Seventy to get on board before we could muster the spiritual power to even attempt it.”
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