Monday

Church Leaders Perform Mass Food Blessing

SALT LAKE CITY—In meeting led by Elder Alan D. Simmons in the Conference Center today, the 12th Quorum of the Seventy pronounced a blessing on “all food eaten anywhere, by anyone, at any time present or future.” What has already become known as the MegaBlessing is expected to save thousands of man-hours each year because members will no longer have to bless each meal individually.

A jubilant Elder Simmons announced the action in a press conference. ”Well, we did it. We weren’t sure we’d have enough faith to bring it off, but we pulled together and did it! Woo! Afterwards, we were all like high-fiving and hugging each other, we were so excited. Wow. What a moment!”

Although the exact wording of the prayer has not yet been released, Simmons assured reporters that the combined agricultural and livestock output of the world has now been blessed with the ability to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” and will now “do us the good that we need” in perpetuity. The blessing also extends to all the “hands that prepared it.”

“It was originally [Elder] Gene [L. Richardson]’s idea,” said Simmons. “When he was a mission president, he once blessed all the food in all his missionaries’ apartments so they’d have more time to proselyte. So when he was called to be a GA, he figured, hey, why not?”

Church members have received the news joyfully. “What an inspired idea!” said Taylorsville member Susan Kendall. “I’m so tired in the morning that sometimes I fall asleep while blessing my breakfast. And whenever I let the kids bless dinner, it would be cold by the time they were done and no one could understand what they said anyway. Now all that is a thing of the past!”

The MegaBlessing is not all encompassing, however. Simmons pointed out that “substances prohibited by the Word of Wisdom will continue to be cursed.”

The success of the MegaBlessing has prompted speculation about possible follow-ups. “We’re considering a MegaBlessing II to bless all the travelers in the world that they would arrive home in safety,” said Simmons. “But that’s obviously a much bigger challenge. Personally, I think we’d need another dozen or so Quorums of the Seventy to get on board before we could muster the spiritual power to even attempt it.”

2 comments:

Dan Jones said...

This is great news!

It'll also save the trouble of figuring out whether or not it's appropriate to bless the food before a date.

Eric said...

awesome! I fell off my chair laughing at this one....