SALT LAKE CITY—In a move that Primary leaders everywhere are cheering, the Church Building Committee has unveiled a new chapel plan featuring a two-story Playplace attached to the Primary room.
The addition was inspired by a Logan stake primary president’s visit to an area McDonald’s. “One look at that indoor Playland, and I knew I’d found the answer to our reverence problems,” said President Sandra McClure. She sent her idea to Church headquarters, where it was greeted with enthusiasm.
Playlands have already been built as a pilot project in several stakes, and all the leaders are calling it a success. The design includes a Manna Pit full of round, soft plastic balls; a 20-foot-high Jacob’s Ladder that leads to a platform called the Rameumptom; and a slide called the Slippery Slope of Sin. During Primary, children are rotated through the structure by age group for fifteen-minute intervals.
"With these scriptural names, we figure kids will get more out of Primary than they ever did," said President McClure.
Monday
Church Leaders Perform Mass Food Blessing
SALT LAKE CITY—In meeting led by Elder Alan D. Simmons in the Conference Center today, the 12th Quorum of the Seventy pronounced a blessing on “all food eaten anywhere, by anyone, at any time present or future.” What has already become known as the MegaBlessing is expected to save thousands of man-hours each year because members will no longer have to bless each meal individually.
A jubilant Elder Simmons announced the action in a press conference. ”Well, we did it. We weren’t sure we’d have enough faith to bring it off, but we pulled together and did it! Woo! Afterwards, we were all like high-fiving and hugging each other, we were so excited. Wow. What a moment!”
Although the exact wording of the prayer has not yet been released, Simmons assured reporters that the combined agricultural and livestock output of the world has now been blessed with the ability to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” and will now “do us the good that we need” in perpetuity. The blessing also extends to all the “hands that prepared it.”
“It was originally [Elder] Gene [L. Richardson]’s idea,” said Simmons. “When he was a mission president, he once blessed all the food in all his missionaries’ apartments so they’d have more time to proselyte. So when he was called to be a GA, he figured, hey, why not?”
Church members have received the news joyfully. “What an inspired idea!” said Taylorsville member Susan Kendall. “I’m so tired in the morning that sometimes I fall asleep while blessing my breakfast. And whenever I let the kids bless dinner, it would be cold by the time they were done and no one could understand what they said anyway. Now all that is a thing of the past!”
The MegaBlessing is not all encompassing, however. Simmons pointed out that “substances prohibited by the Word of Wisdom will continue to be cursed.”
The success of the MegaBlessing has prompted speculation about possible follow-ups. “We’re considering a MegaBlessing II to bless all the travelers in the world that they would arrive home in safety,” said Simmons. “But that’s obviously a much bigger challenge. Personally, I think we’d need another dozen or so Quorums of the Seventy to get on board before we could muster the spiritual power to even attempt it.”
A jubilant Elder Simmons announced the action in a press conference. ”Well, we did it. We weren’t sure we’d have enough faith to bring it off, but we pulled together and did it! Woo! Afterwards, we were all like high-fiving and hugging each other, we were so excited. Wow. What a moment!”
Although the exact wording of the prayer has not yet been released, Simmons assured reporters that the combined agricultural and livestock output of the world has now been blessed with the ability to “nourish and strengthen our bodies” and will now “do us the good that we need” in perpetuity. The blessing also extends to all the “hands that prepared it.”
“It was originally [Elder] Gene [L. Richardson]’s idea,” said Simmons. “When he was a mission president, he once blessed all the food in all his missionaries’ apartments so they’d have more time to proselyte. So when he was called to be a GA, he figured, hey, why not?”
Church members have received the news joyfully. “What an inspired idea!” said Taylorsville member Susan Kendall. “I’m so tired in the morning that sometimes I fall asleep while blessing my breakfast. And whenever I let the kids bless dinner, it would be cold by the time they were done and no one could understand what they said anyway. Now all that is a thing of the past!”
The MegaBlessing is not all encompassing, however. Simmons pointed out that “substances prohibited by the Word of Wisdom will continue to be cursed.”
The success of the MegaBlessing has prompted speculation about possible follow-ups. “We’re considering a MegaBlessing II to bless all the travelers in the world that they would arrive home in safety,” said Simmons. “But that’s obviously a much bigger challenge. Personally, I think we’d need another dozen or so Quorums of the Seventy to get on board before we could muster the spiritual power to even attempt it.”
Area Woman Sacrifices for Her Visiting Teachers
PRICE, UT—The Church established the Relief Society visiting teaching program more than 50 years ago in an effort to help female members learn to love each other and administer to each other’s needs. According to local woman Kelly Bolton, the program is a complete success. “By welcoming visiting teachers into my house once a month, I have learned how to be selfless and sacrificing,” she confirmed.
After a last-minute call on March 31, Bolton agreed to let her visiting teachers, Sisters Melissa Carter and Joanne Cleaves, come over “for just a quick visit.” Bolton, mother of four, then rearranged her schedule to accommodate her visiting teachers. “I don’t want to be difficult,” she explained. “And I know how much it means to Melissa to get 100 percent on her visiting teaching every year. I couldn’t be the one to break her record. She really wants that Lladro statue of Christ that [Relief Society] President [Millie] Thackeray gives to every woman who does all her visiting teaching for the year.”
Before the 5 p.m. appointment, Bolton cleaned the house, cancelled her son’s dental appointment, and asked a neighbor to pick up her daughter from ballet class. “My sister Rachelle called just before [Carter and Cleaves] were due to arrive, and she really wanted to talk,” said Bolton, “but I just couldn’t hang out on the phone and leave them in the living room. That would be inattentive and irresponsible of me. I have faith that Rachelle will be okay with her postpartum depression until my visiting teachers leave. God will take care of her while I’m helping them out.”
Despite their promise to be on time and to “just pop in to see how you are doing,” Carter and Cleaves were 15 minutes late and stayed for 55 minutes. Their visit included a broad range of conversational topics, including Carter’s incredible visiting teaching record, her ambition to become a flight attendant, the amazing place down the road that does Carter’s nails for less than anywhere else, the mean lunch lady who obviously hates Carter’s daughter Brianne, Cleaves’s new cat, Cleaves’s son Dakota’s swimming trophy, Brother Cleaves’s wonderful barbecued ribs recipe, and the Cleaveses’ new gorgeous living room carpet and paint.
“I just didn’t want to burden them with all my problems. It didn’t seem right to use my visiting teachers that way,” said Bolton, explaining why she didn’t bring up her sister’s depression, her daughter’s recent ADHD diagnosis, or her worry that her husband would lose his job in his company’s impending layoffs. “Melissa and Joanne love to talk about themselves so much, and I feel it’s my duty to create a safe, comfortable environment where they can share their feelings with me.”
“I just want to tell all women of the Church that the visiting teaching program is inspired,” said Bolton. “My visiting teachers have taught me all about service and how to be selfless and giving. I am more than happy to help Melissa and Joanne grow and progress. Women serving each other—that’s what the visiting teaching program is all about.”
After a last-minute call on March 31, Bolton agreed to let her visiting teachers, Sisters Melissa Carter and Joanne Cleaves, come over “for just a quick visit.” Bolton, mother of four, then rearranged her schedule to accommodate her visiting teachers. “I don’t want to be difficult,” she explained. “And I know how much it means to Melissa to get 100 percent on her visiting teaching every year. I couldn’t be the one to break her record. She really wants that Lladro statue of Christ that [Relief Society] President [Millie] Thackeray gives to every woman who does all her visiting teaching for the year.”
Before the 5 p.m. appointment, Bolton cleaned the house, cancelled her son’s dental appointment, and asked a neighbor to pick up her daughter from ballet class. “My sister Rachelle called just before [Carter and Cleaves] were due to arrive, and she really wanted to talk,” said Bolton, “but I just couldn’t hang out on the phone and leave them in the living room. That would be inattentive and irresponsible of me. I have faith that Rachelle will be okay with her postpartum depression until my visiting teachers leave. God will take care of her while I’m helping them out.”
Despite their promise to be on time and to “just pop in to see how you are doing,” Carter and Cleaves were 15 minutes late and stayed for 55 minutes. Their visit included a broad range of conversational topics, including Carter’s incredible visiting teaching record, her ambition to become a flight attendant, the amazing place down the road that does Carter’s nails for less than anywhere else, the mean lunch lady who obviously hates Carter’s daughter Brianne, Cleaves’s new cat, Cleaves’s son Dakota’s swimming trophy, Brother Cleaves’s wonderful barbecued ribs recipe, and the Cleaveses’ new gorgeous living room carpet and paint.
“I just didn’t want to burden them with all my problems. It didn’t seem right to use my visiting teachers that way,” said Bolton, explaining why she didn’t bring up her sister’s depression, her daughter’s recent ADHD diagnosis, or her worry that her husband would lose his job in his company’s impending layoffs. “Melissa and Joanne love to talk about themselves so much, and I feel it’s my duty to create a safe, comfortable environment where they can share their feelings with me.”
“I just want to tell all women of the Church that the visiting teaching program is inspired,” said Bolton. “My visiting teachers have taught me all about service and how to be selfless and giving. I am more than happy to help Melissa and Joanne grow and progress. Women serving each other—that’s what the visiting teaching program is all about.”
High Councilman Calls 11th Article of Faith “No Longer Relevant”
PIMA, AZ—In a recent talk to the Pima Fourth Ward, high councilman Layton Bryce warned members not to be led astray by too much emphasis on the 11th Article of Faith, which states, “We claim the privilege of worshipping the Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship, how, where, or what they may.”
“Sometimes people use the 11th Article of Faith as an excuse to refrain from doing missionary work,” Bryce said from the pulpit. “They say, ‘I don’t want to force my beliefs and opinions on people I have to live and work with. My friends and neighbors know what I believe, and if they’re interested, they’ll come ask me.’”
“But that attitude doesn’t really fit in with our ideas about missionary work, brothers and sisters,” Bryce continued. “We know we need to convert the world to the true gospel. I’m not saying we should force people to be Mormon, but we need to do all we can to persuade and teach people the right way to believe.”
Bryce explained that the 11th Article of Faith was necessary in the early days, when the Church faced oppression and had not converted millions of people to the truth. “But now that the truthfulness of the gospel is accepted by so many people, that particular article of faith is no longer relevant in the ways it once was.”
Bryce went on to say that “the events of September 11th have underscored the danger of letting everyone worship God as they see fit. There could always be some extremist who believes worshipping God involves killing innocent people.”
Reaction to the talk was mixed. Local member Marge Pepper stated, “I definitely felt the Spirit as Brother Bryce was talking. I have always been bothered by the 11th Article of Faith. First of all, it doesn’t start with ‘We believe’ like all the others, and I never could see why we should just let everyone else believe whatever they want when we know the Church is true. It would be better if we just got rid of it—after all, 12 is a much nicer number than unlucky 13.”
Roger and Joan Cannon, on the other hand, both expressed concern over the message. “I thought free agency was central to the gospel,” Joan said. “It’s as if he’s forgotten the story of the War in Heaven, where it was decided we all needed to be able to choose what we accept.”
“What’s Brother Bryce going to do, anyway?” her husband Roger asked. “Write to the Brethren and ask them to delete that passage from the scriptures?”
Upon hearing of such objections, Bryce dismissed them. “My talk has nothing in common with Satan’s plan in the preexistence. Remember, Satan was evil and wanted to thwart God’s plan, while I am simply trying to help God accomplish his plan in the most straightforward way possible. After all, I did say that we shouldn’t force anyone to be Mormon.”
“Sometimes people use the 11th Article of Faith as an excuse to refrain from doing missionary work,” Bryce said from the pulpit. “They say, ‘I don’t want to force my beliefs and opinions on people I have to live and work with. My friends and neighbors know what I believe, and if they’re interested, they’ll come ask me.’”
“But that attitude doesn’t really fit in with our ideas about missionary work, brothers and sisters,” Bryce continued. “We know we need to convert the world to the true gospel. I’m not saying we should force people to be Mormon, but we need to do all we can to persuade and teach people the right way to believe.”
Bryce explained that the 11th Article of Faith was necessary in the early days, when the Church faced oppression and had not converted millions of people to the truth. “But now that the truthfulness of the gospel is accepted by so many people, that particular article of faith is no longer relevant in the ways it once was.”
Bryce went on to say that “the events of September 11th have underscored the danger of letting everyone worship God as they see fit. There could always be some extremist who believes worshipping God involves killing innocent people.”
Reaction to the talk was mixed. Local member Marge Pepper stated, “I definitely felt the Spirit as Brother Bryce was talking. I have always been bothered by the 11th Article of Faith. First of all, it doesn’t start with ‘We believe’ like all the others, and I never could see why we should just let everyone else believe whatever they want when we know the Church is true. It would be better if we just got rid of it—after all, 12 is a much nicer number than unlucky 13.”
Roger and Joan Cannon, on the other hand, both expressed concern over the message. “I thought free agency was central to the gospel,” Joan said. “It’s as if he’s forgotten the story of the War in Heaven, where it was decided we all needed to be able to choose what we accept.”
“What’s Brother Bryce going to do, anyway?” her husband Roger asked. “Write to the Brethren and ask them to delete that passage from the scriptures?”
Upon hearing of such objections, Bryce dismissed them. “My talk has nothing in common with Satan’s plan in the preexistence. Remember, Satan was evil and wanted to thwart God’s plan, while I am simply trying to help God accomplish his plan in the most straightforward way possible. After all, I did say that we shouldn’t force anyone to be Mormon.”
MTC Now Powered by Its Own Methane
PROVO, UT—Church officials today confirmed that because of a successful alternative energy experiment, the Missionary Training Center in Provo is now powered entirely with methane produced by the hundreds of missionaries living there.
“The MTC’s food has long been notorious for causing these, uh, emissions,” said Church spokesman Carl Spainhower. “We wondered if we could harness them for some good use. The Church has always encouraged thriftiness and self-sufficiency.”
Methane produced by the missionaries rises to the ceilings of their classrooms and dormitories, where it is collected by air intakes. A complex system of pumps, filters, and pipelines separates the methane from the rest of the air and sends it to a newly installed power plant, where it is converted into electricity.
“We’re very excited by our results so far,” said Spainhower. “Not only are we producing all the electricity we need, but our numbers indicate that if we were to double the frequency of pizza day, we should also be able to power at least three nearby church buildings. We’re also looking closely at BYU dormitories as an additional source of power.”
Reactions among MTC missionaries were varied. “I think it’s—oh, excuse me—great,” said Elder Jeb King, from Layton, Utah. “We’re here to serve however—oops, sorry—we can. My companion and I have been—whew!—competing to see who can generate more kilowatt hours.”
Sister Ashley Nelson, on the other hand, said the project is “so disgusting, I don’t even want to think about it. Only a man could come up with something like this.”
“The MTC’s food has long been notorious for causing these, uh, emissions,” said Church spokesman Carl Spainhower. “We wondered if we could harness them for some good use. The Church has always encouraged thriftiness and self-sufficiency.”
Methane produced by the missionaries rises to the ceilings of their classrooms and dormitories, where it is collected by air intakes. A complex system of pumps, filters, and pipelines separates the methane from the rest of the air and sends it to a newly installed power plant, where it is converted into electricity.
“We’re very excited by our results so far,” said Spainhower. “Not only are we producing all the electricity we need, but our numbers indicate that if we were to double the frequency of pizza day, we should also be able to power at least three nearby church buildings. We’re also looking closely at BYU dormitories as an additional source of power.”
Reactions among MTC missionaries were varied. “I think it’s—oh, excuse me—great,” said Elder Jeb King, from Layton, Utah. “We’re here to serve however—oops, sorry—we can. My companion and I have been—whew!—competing to see who can generate more kilowatt hours.”
Sister Ashley Nelson, on the other hand, said the project is “so disgusting, I don’t even want to think about it. Only a man could come up with something like this.”
Wednesday
Ask a Beehive
By Mandi Meecham, age 12 | Draper Southeast Stake, 34th Ward
Q: We’re told we should read the scriptures every day. After a recent sacrament meeting talk when our bishop encouraged us to do so, I set a goal to finally get through the Isaiah parts of the Book of Mormon. But those chapters are really hard! What should I do to keep up and not get lost or bored?
—Margaret Fulsom, realtor
A: Dude, I feel your pain. My dad just got called to the high council and the stake president ripped him a new one for not holding family scripture study every day and so he came home sweating and was all, “Kids, we are reading the scriptures every day at six o’clock in the morning and that’s final!” Um, hello! Six in the A.M??? I am so completely comatose then, and plus, how harsh can that be when school is over? Could he be any more Hitler? I was all, “Dad, take a Zanax or something. That’s sooo not going to happen.” So he said he’d buy me a sweet little Cabriolet when I turn sixteen if I am on time to scripture study every day between now and then. I’m stoked about that because there’s no way Dad will have the energy to keep this going for longer than like six weeks. He will for sure have gotten over this guilt trip by the time school starts. And until then, I can always go back to bed after scripture study. Plus, adversity is good for the soul. Getting up so early totally makes me understand what the pioneers went through.
So we’re reading Second Nephi, and it is way Looney Tunes. Like what was Isaiah’s deal? He seems like this total pill who has serious issues with women who wear jewelry. Dad read in chapter 13 this morning a weird part that said, “Don’t you women even think about wearing tinkling ornaments, and round tires, and chains, and mufflers, and tablets, and mantles, and blah blah blah.” And I said, “Dude, what the? Is he talking about women or cars?” and my brother Braxton said, “Or Christmas trees?” and we totally cracked up. Mom opened her can of “You kids need to respect the gospel!” Yeah, okay, Mom, here’s the 411: if Isaiah could have laid off the wine a little and just written what he meant, in plain English, then maybe Brax and I could pay attention better.
Q: We’re told we should read the scriptures every day. After a recent sacrament meeting talk when our bishop encouraged us to do so, I set a goal to finally get through the Isaiah parts of the Book of Mormon. But those chapters are really hard! What should I do to keep up and not get lost or bored?
—Margaret Fulsom, realtor
A: Dude, I feel your pain. My dad just got called to the high council and the stake president ripped him a new one for not holding family scripture study every day and so he came home sweating and was all, “Kids, we are reading the scriptures every day at six o’clock in the morning and that’s final!” Um, hello! Six in the A.M??? I am so completely comatose then, and plus, how harsh can that be when school is over? Could he be any more Hitler? I was all, “Dad, take a Zanax or something. That’s sooo not going to happen.” So he said he’d buy me a sweet little Cabriolet when I turn sixteen if I am on time to scripture study every day between now and then. I’m stoked about that because there’s no way Dad will have the energy to keep this going for longer than like six weeks. He will for sure have gotten over this guilt trip by the time school starts. And until then, I can always go back to bed after scripture study. Plus, adversity is good for the soul. Getting up so early totally makes me understand what the pioneers went through.
So we’re reading Second Nephi, and it is way Looney Tunes. Like what was Isaiah’s deal? He seems like this total pill who has serious issues with women who wear jewelry. Dad read in chapter 13 this morning a weird part that said, “Don’t you women even think about wearing tinkling ornaments, and round tires, and chains, and mufflers, and tablets, and mantles, and blah blah blah.” And I said, “Dude, what the? Is he talking about women or cars?” and my brother Braxton said, “Or Christmas trees?” and we totally cracked up. Mom opened her can of “You kids need to respect the gospel!” Yeah, okay, Mom, here’s the 411: if Isaiah could have laid off the wine a little and just written what he meant, in plain English, then maybe Brax and I could pay attention better.
Monday
Church Bail-Out in the Works?
By John Williams
Representatives of the LDS Church met with members of U.S. Congress in an effort to secure federal funding to shore up what they termed “weakness” in the religious market.
“Times are tough,” said church spokesperson Dale Bulls. “The recession and credit crunch have hit our bottom line big time.” Given the success of the financial and auto industries in securing money from Congress, Bulls said, “We thought we should get in on the action.”
Sources within the church note that recent years have seen a flood of expensive development projects, such as the enormous Conference Center, an aggressive temple-building campaign, and the ambitious City Creek Center mall project in Salt Lake City.
“We’re bleeding badly here,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. “The Conference Center needs constant repair, and around the world we have temples that no one is using. And don’t get me started on the malls.”
The source went on to say that, despite bad financials, some in the church continue to push for wasteful spending. “A temple in Rome? What the hell could they be thinking?”
Wall Street analysts outlined the bind the church finds itself in. “It’s a ‘perfect storm’ situation,” said Lerner Brothers vice president Robert Stearns. “They invested heavily in real estate just as the market peaked, and a worldwide recession translates into less tithing. Something has to give.”
And that something appears to be the federal government.
“We have no choice in this matter,” said Utah Senator Orrin Hatch (R). “This country was founded on Christian principles and faith. If we allow our religious base to fail, we’re in big trouble. We must act, and we must act quickly, to save our country from religious ruin.”
Some in Congress remain skeptical. “If we bail them out, who’s to say they won’t go back to their old, wasteful ways?” asked Indiana congressman Ed Warner (D). “I’m all for keeping this ‘one nation under God,’ but I don’t want to throw our money down a rat hole.”
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) assured reluctant legislators that there would be strict oversight. “My bill provides for a federal ‘overseer’ to ensure that funds are spent wisely and prudently.” He said he had received assurances that the church would provide full access to a seer stone and a hat to ensure total transparency. “If it was good enough for Martin Harris,” Reid said, “it’s good enough for me.”
Church leaders suggested that a partnership with the government was a natural and positive devlopment. “We all know that when the Savior comes, he will subdue all earthly government beneath his feet. This is just the first step,” said a smiling Boyd K. Packer.
“He said what?” said Alabama congressman Buford Gustings. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I give money to that cult.”
Repayment of the federal loans involves giving the government a percentage of church revenues over the next ten years. “We really didn’t want to give them a cut of tithing,” said apostle Quentin Cook, “but times being what they are, we had to agree.”
The government will also get a percentage of revenue from Beehive Clothing sales. “Everybody has to buy underwear at some point, don’t they?” said Cook. Federal negotiators declined the church’s offer of a ten-percent stake in the City Creek Center. “Yeah, like we’re going to take that on,” said newly appointed overseer David Tanner. “We’re giving them money, but we’re not stupid.”
In other news, the church announced plans to build a temple in Uzbekistan. “No, we don’t have any members there at the moment,” said spokesperson Bulls. “But we’ve got a lot of money that needs to be spent.”
Representatives of the LDS Church met with members of U.S. Congress in an effort to secure federal funding to shore up what they termed “weakness” in the religious market.
“Times are tough,” said church spokesperson Dale Bulls. “The recession and credit crunch have hit our bottom line big time.” Given the success of the financial and auto industries in securing money from Congress, Bulls said, “We thought we should get in on the action.”
Sources within the church note that recent years have seen a flood of expensive development projects, such as the enormous Conference Center, an aggressive temple-building campaign, and the ambitious City Creek Center mall project in Salt Lake City.
“We’re bleeding badly here,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. “The Conference Center needs constant repair, and around the world we have temples that no one is using. And don’t get me started on the malls.”
The source went on to say that, despite bad financials, some in the church continue to push for wasteful spending. “A temple in Rome? What the hell could they be thinking?”
Wall Street analysts outlined the bind the church finds itself in. “It’s a ‘perfect storm’ situation,” said Lerner Brothers vice president Robert Stearns. “They invested heavily in real estate just as the market peaked, and a worldwide recession translates into less tithing. Something has to give.”
And that something appears to be the federal government.
“We have no choice in this matter,” said Utah Senator Orrin Hatch (R). “This country was founded on Christian principles and faith. If we allow our religious base to fail, we’re in big trouble. We must act, and we must act quickly, to save our country from religious ruin.”
Some in Congress remain skeptical. “If we bail them out, who’s to say they won’t go back to their old, wasteful ways?” asked Indiana congressman Ed Warner (D). “I’m all for keeping this ‘one nation under God,’ but I don’t want to throw our money down a rat hole.”
Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) assured reluctant legislators that there would be strict oversight. “My bill provides for a federal ‘overseer’ to ensure that funds are spent wisely and prudently.” He said he had received assurances that the church would provide full access to a seer stone and a hat to ensure total transparency. “If it was good enough for Martin Harris,” Reid said, “it’s good enough for me.”
Church leaders suggested that a partnership with the government was a natural and positive devlopment. “We all know that when the Savior comes, he will subdue all earthly government beneath his feet. This is just the first step,” said a smiling Boyd K. Packer.
“He said what?” said Alabama congressman Buford Gustings. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I give money to that cult.”
Repayment of the federal loans involves giving the government a percentage of church revenues over the next ten years. “We really didn’t want to give them a cut of tithing,” said apostle Quentin Cook, “but times being what they are, we had to agree.”
The government will also get a percentage of revenue from Beehive Clothing sales. “Everybody has to buy underwear at some point, don’t they?” said Cook. Federal negotiators declined the church’s offer of a ten-percent stake in the City Creek Center. “Yeah, like we’re going to take that on,” said newly appointed overseer David Tanner. “We’re giving them money, but we’re not stupid.”
In other news, the church announced plans to build a temple in Uzbekistan. “No, we don’t have any members there at the moment,” said spokesperson Bulls. “But we’ve got a lot of money that needs to be spent.”
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