PROVO, UT—Church officials today confirmed that because of a successful alternative energy experiment, the Missionary Training Center in Provo is now powered entirely with methane produced by the hundreds of missionaries living there.
“The MTC’s food has long been notorious for causing these, uh, emissions,” said Church spokesman Carl Spainhower. “We wondered if we could harness them for some good use. The Church has always encouraged thriftiness and self-sufficiency.”
Methane produced by the missionaries rises to the ceilings of their classrooms and dormitories, where it is collected by air intakes. A complex system of pumps, filters, and pipelines separates the methane from the rest of the air and sends it to a newly installed power plant, where it is converted into electricity.
“We’re very excited by our results so far,” said Spainhower. “Not only are we producing all the electricity we need, but our numbers indicate that if we were to double the frequency of pizza day, we should also be able to power at least three nearby church buildings. We’re also looking closely at BYU dormitories as an additional source of power.”
Reactions among MTC missionaries were varied. “I think it’s—oh, excuse me—great,” said Elder Jeb King, from Layton, Utah. “We’re here to serve however—oops, sorry—we can. My companion and I have been—whew!—competing to see who can generate more kilowatt hours.”
Sister Ashley Nelson, on the other hand, said the project is “so disgusting, I don’t even want to think about it. Only a man could come up with something like this.”