Excess meat scandal rocks seminary presidency

NAPANEE, ID – A huge blow was delivered to the Napanee High School seminary Thursday when Gary Cole, seminary student body president, was caught eating meat in excess behind the school.

Cole was allegedly in the middle of consuming huge quantities of beef in the form of hamburger, veal, and the highly addictive medium rare rib eye steak when Bro. Anglemeyer, the 10th grade seminary teacher, confronted him.

According to eyewitness McKayla Anderson, Cole was caught “with an open bottle of A-1 in his hand and a piece of steak still hanging out of his mouth.”

“This is a huge smudge on what was once a clean record,” said Anglemeyer. “Not only did Gary flout the Word of Wisdom by eating too much meat, it wasn’t even at a time of winter, famine or excess of hunger.”

Seminary student body second counselor Michael Thisbee said he isn’t surprised by this sudden revelation. “For the past few weeks I’ve thought I’ve been smelling oats on Gary’s breath. And as we all know, oats are the gateway to harder foods. Satan tells you its all right, that it won’t hurt anything. But look at what happens.”

“I can see this spreading like a virus through the student body,” Anglemeyer said, “Students furtively chewing on Slim Jims in the classroom, sneaking into fast food joints for their burger hit, and if things get really bad we’ll lose precious souls to those nefarious all night barbecues I’ve been hearing about.”

Evil Unable to Attend Party

MAPLETON UT - Bobby Stanton regrets to inform those he invited to his party scheduled for Saturday night that Evil will not be able to make it.

“I tried to invite Evil early,” he said in an interview with the Sugar Beet, “I did everything I could to attract him. I was even planning on spiking the punch, renting a few American Pie movies, and maybe even looking at a few Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues out back. But I guess Evil had other plans.”

Fortunately the Appearance of Evil isn’t doing much that Friday and will come to Stanton’s party in Evil’s place.

“Naturally we had to tone things down if it was only the Appearance of Evil coming. So I’ve got some O’Doules on hand and a couple of Austin Powers movies,” said Stanton, “there is also the distinct possibility of off-color conversation. I’m pretty sure everyone will be able to bless the sacrament the next morning. Sorry about that.”

NEW GYM HELPS PATRONS EXERCISE THEIR AGENCY

ALPINE, UTAH--Latter-day Saints are continually advised to keep their agency in tip-top shape by exercising it on a regular basis. However, there's no convenient, effective way to fit regular agency exercise into a busy schedule--until now.

Opening this week is the new Choose the Right Gym, where members can exercise their agency until they are spiritually buff and then maintain their fitness. Set up like an obstacle course, the gym features a progressively harder pathway of tempting choices. It starts out with chocolate, progresses through Coke, poker, and R-rated movies, and culminates with pornography, prescription pain killers, and Book of Mormon DNA evidence.

Patrons who make a wrong choice are given an electric shock through a wireless device. "Just a half-hour three times a week at our gym will keep your agency at peak performance," said proprietor Carl Johansen. "When you need the strength in real situations, you'll be ready."

Our Book Is Now Available for Ordering

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, our collection of the best of the Sugar Beet, is now available. For more information and a secure shopping cart, click here:

https://zarahemlabooks.com/displayProductDocument.hg?productId=4&categoryId=3

Our Book Is Getting Closer...

Here's an advance review from Publishers Weekly:

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer: LDS News, Advice and Opinion

Edited by Christopher Kimball Bigelow
Pince-Nez Press
ISBN 1-930074-17-0

If a mature religion is one that can laugh at itself, then Mormonism is growing up. The ranks of the heretofore slim world of LDS satirists (dominated by cartoonists Pat Bagley and Calvin Grondahl and columnist Robert Kirby) have been swelled by the next generation: this compilation of ruthlessly funny articles is as irreverent as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is decorous.

The book is edited by Bigelow, co-author of Mormonism for Dummies and co-founder of The Sugar Beet (an LDS version of the satirical publication The Onion). Bigelow and his staff of Sugar Beet writers, whose identities are hidden behind ultra-Mormon pseudonyms, ferret out the delicious humor tucked away in Mormonism’s quirkiest doctrines and cultural extremes in articles like: “Gay polygamists make bid for legitimacy”; “Zions Bank offers financing for scrapbookers”; and “Elvis Presley accepts posthumous baptism.”

The humor grows mostly out of the rich soil of Wasatch Front culture, so some of it may go over the heads of converts to the faith, and many stalwart Mormons would declare the writing dangerously “light-minded.” But a solid core of LDS (and LDS-raised) readers will find the Enquirer a tie-loosening, glue-gun-melting pleasure—and an excellent Christmas gift for friends and family. (Nov. 6)

Advance Notice for Our Forthcoming Book

Here's a link to the advance notice for our forthcoming collection of satirical Mormon news from the Sugar Beet:


Pince-Nez Press

Views from the Street on "Big Love"

"Big Love," HBO's new series about a polygamous family, seems to be a big hit. Following are some responses we received when we asked passersby in downtown Salt Lake City their opinion.

"Why does it always have to be polygamists? Why not a drama about scrapbookers or geneology researchers? That would be more realistic."

"I'm sure Tom Green is behind this. He knows how to manipulate the media, and now they're eating out of his hand."

"They should've named one of the wives 'Sharon A. Johnson.'"

"Richard Dutcher should definitely get Bill Paxton to play Joseph Smith in his upcoming movie."

"I'm still waiting for HBO to show some hot foursome action in the bedroom--or at a minimum, wife-on-wife."

"I'm absolutely not going to watch even a second of it. Especially the sex scenes with Chloe Sevigny. She's not even that hot."

"Not only does it make the Church look bad, but it's really bad for the image of hardware stores."

"I won't sully my mind with that kind of trash. Especially since it's on the same night as Dawson's Creek."

"I was sorry to hear that the girl who played Deb, Napolean's girlfriend, had sold out to Hollywood like this. And she doesn't even wear her hair in that cute sideways ponytail either."

"I wasn't going to watch it, but my TIVO thought I should. So . . ."

"I'm waiting for the Cleanflix version."

"What they don't get is that Mormonism teaches only post-mortal polygamy nowadays."

"I'm only going to watch it until I learn if Bill's gonna get Margene her own car. Then I'm turning it right off."

"What I don't get is, if there are three wives and seven days in a week, who does the husband sleep with on Sundays?"

"I'm sticking with the Sopranos. At least they have some family values."

"It's a total cheat. If they're gonna make a big deal of how it has nudity, they better show more than Bill Paxton's bare butt."

"It makes me sad that people will think that this show is really about the LDS church, when actually polygamy has NEVER been a part of our beliefs. Except for when it was."

"I've counseled my wife to watch it prayerfully so that she'll know what kind of chores will await her once I bring her into the celestial kingdom."

"I'm sure this show, as well as everything else, is a part of the Lord's plan, designed to bring more people into the One and True Church. And if more people DON'T join the church because of this show, then it was actually part of Satan's plan."