HMO Bans Preexistent Conditions

SANDY, UT—In an effort to brake ever-increasing health-insurance expenses, especially for psychotropic drugs such as Prozac, Utah-based Altius Healthcare Corporation is no longer honoring claims for conditions arising from a person's spiritual preexistence, prior to coming to this earth.

"We have a new rubric that helps us determine when a mental or physical condition stems from a person's personality or covenants as determined during premortality," said Altius CEO Jeffrey Bangerter, who recently completed a three-year term serving as an LDS mission president in Angola. "We're here to help people with health problems that arise spontaneously in this fallen world. When someone faces some inherent spiritual flaw such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder or contracts a disease that is a predetermined part of their mortal program, they need to either get healed by their bishop or endure to the end. It doesn't do any good to incur needless medical expenses."

Bangerter cites the example of Charles Yates of Riverton, Utah, who came down with leukemia three years ago. "He spent the first year relying upon the arm of flesh by patronizing doctors and hospitals, and he almost lost his life before his appointed time," said Bangerter. "But in doing some soul-searching, Charles realized that this disease was something he previously agreed to endure as part of his earthly challenge. When he exercised his faith enough to rely solely upon blessings from his bishop, the disease went into remission for two full years before taking him. What an inspiration to us all!"


Matt said...

I recently discovered your book and thought parts of it were hysterically funny. If you want a true but crazy story to report, my ward in Sandy, Utah is doing a "ward cruise" (14 couples who are celebrating the 40th birthday of some of them), and several people have had plastic surgery (mostly breast enhancements) just for the occasion. The upcoming trip was mentioned over the pulpit during testimony meeting last week: "We have such a wonderful friendly ward. When we all go on the cruise together.."..

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Mark said...

Must not be much of a market for Mormon satire, over and year and a half without a new post...

Brigham said...

A long time ago, I saw a post on something called the Sugar Beet entitled “Man prays for ‘water’ instead of ‘moisture’; Church membership in doubt.” Did you put this together? Any chance you might post it again? If so, I would like to post a link to it from my blog,

adorned with life said...

Oh my goodness. This is supposed to be a joke? I sure hope so. It's the first post I've ever read.

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