Deseret Book Releases “Pedestal Wife”

SALT LAKE CITY—Deseret Book spokesman Martin Graves recently announced a new product designed “to help Mormons bring the Spirit into their homes.” Called Pedestal Wife, the new product resembles a statue of a woman who’s five foot, six inches tall, with long, flowing brown hair, a gingham dress, and an apron, standing on a marble pedestal two feet high. Deseret Book stresses, “Pedestal Wife is more than just a statue, although she does certainly beautify and brighten the home. She is primarily designed to help us all glorify womanhood.”

One of the first consumers, Provo resident Dwight L. Langersen, reports that he is pleased with Pedestal Wife. “I installed her in the living room so the family can gaze lovingly on her while we have our daily scripture reading,” he says. “It’s so nice to have her there for those times during family home evening when we talk about women’s holy nature and how much less sinful they are than men. Plus, she’s a lot easier to get along with than my own wife, bless her heart.”

Although response to the product has been mostly positive, Orem native Larry Schwartz admits he was initially confused by Pedestal Wife’s purpose. “I put her in my kitchen, hoping she would make me some of those incredible apple dumplings my mom used to bake on winter afternoons,” he admits. “I didn’t realize she’d just stand there. Eventually, we moved her to the bedroom, and while my wife isn’t happy with that, I am.”

Schwartz’s experience is not unusual. The confusion about Pedestal Wife’s role prompted the release of an official statement from Deseret Book: “While Pedestal Wife does encourage the healthy glorification of womanhood and thereby increases spirituality, consumers need to remember that the product is not actually designed to interact with them in any meaningful way. She does not talk, cook, or form relationships.”

Despite these and similar misunderstandings, however, Pedestal Wife is selling very well and has gained a loyal following, mostly of married men who live along Utah’s Wasatch Front. “I don’t know what it is—that apron, the dress, or the twenty-four-inch waist—but somehow Pedestal Wife reminds me of my saintly mother,” says Ogden resident Sam Culpepper. “That woman raised eight children in a three-room house, had a hot meal on the table three times a day, and managed to read the Book of Mormon over a hundred times.” Culpepper’s wife Meredith was not available for comment.

Culpepper echoes many Mormon men when he says that he sees Pedestal Wife as a great addition to his home and family. In fact, he admits, “Because Pedestal Wife radiates such wholesome goodness and quiet humility, I’m kind of hoping that my real wife will learn to follow suit. As long as she still cooks and cleans for me, of course.”

1 comment:

Preston McConkie said...

Thanks, Chris. I especially enjoyed the part about how Pedestal Wife helps remind that women are morally superior to men.