Though We Didn't Seem to Be Listening, We Really Were

Guest Columnist:
Brother Mack's Young Men Class

Dear Brother Mack,

We are writing you this letter because we realize that you probably thought your time as our Young Men instructor was a complete waste. You came to church every Sunday with a lesson prepared for us. But despite your efforts, we never seemed to listen. Most likely you went home disheartened because you could not reach us. No doubt you yearned to share your knowledge and testimony with us. But our bad behavior thwarted you every time.

Well, to tell you the truth, Brother Mack, we really were listening. It may have looked to you like we were pretending to sleep and making loud snoring noises and calling out Lara Croft's name in our sleep, but we really were listening. And we thank you for all you taught us.

We're sure you remember the class when we pretended to be playing Death Pit Xtreme 5: Fountains of Blood on imaginary Playstations, completely ignoring you and making fighting noises so loudly that we disturbed the other classes around us, forcing the bishop to chastise you for your inability to control us. But you can rest easy, because we really were listening. And now, three years later, we still remember your lesson that day.

Yes, you may have despaired. You may have thought about quitting your calling many times, so fruitless were your lessons. Perhaps only because of the fact that the bishop was on vacation were you unable to quit your calling the day we were lighting our farts, thus setting off the fire sprinklers, causing the rest of church to be canceled and the carpets of the entire building to need replacing. We didn't know they made you pay for those carpets, really. And someday, when we are all rich and General Authorities, we will pay you back and tell the world about how great your lessons were. Because we really were listening.

We realize that you're probably still pretty bitter about the way we treated you, Brother Mack. But we were just boys. We didn't realize that your wife would be so angry about those Penthouses we hid under your bed while we were supposed to be in class. Or that we completely maxed out your credit card on brucesluridsextoysforboysandboys.com. And despite the fact that the losers we left in class to distract you into thinking you were actually teaching a lesson ran into the halls screaming that you had repeatedly bludgeoned them with an easel, we want to let you know that we really were listening.

We hope this letter and care package finds you well. We're sure you'll be pleased to know that your wife's new husband is a really great guy and will treat your family well. We pray for your parole daily. But until you are free and we can bestow our gratitude upon you personally, just remember that we really were listening.

Sincerely,
Your Young Men class