Sunday

LDS Girls Preferring Death Over Dishonor on the Rise

SALT LAKE CITY--According to a recent Gallup survey, more Mormon girls are choosing death over dishonor than ever before. The survey showed that the incidents of Mormon girls, following the ideals found in the Book of Moroni, are increasingly jealous of their purity and will go to great lengths to preserve it.

This sudden dip in premarital sex has given the Mormon Church the status of the most sexually pure religion in the world, a fact Church authorities are happy to trumpet to the rest of the world.

But how are these fine young women achieving this lofty moral height? It all started in Tallahassee, Florida.

"My Laurel teacher had this really special meeting with us a few months ago," said Jessica Morley of the Tallahassee 98th Ward. "She told us that the Book of Mormon says our virtue is the most important thing we have. More important than our own lives. I really felt that what she said was true."

Indeed, much of the Bible also insists that if a man take a woman's virtue, she is no longer pure and should be stoned. Far better to die before the despicable act takes place.

Now, like the boys who could deprive them of their chastity, Morley, and a few of her devout friends, carry something in their wallets. Something they call Virtue Guarders: a small razor.

"It's in case the unspeakable happens. We can remove ourselves from the situation . . . permanently," said Morely.

Morley's idea has spread through the United States and into some parts of Canada. The Gallup survey claims that girls committing the ultimate act in order to ward off deflowering at the hands of a male has risen 30 percent in the last year, bringing the incidents of premarital sex down proportionally.

"We know it's a sacrifice," said Maryanne Scotts, a Mia Maid from Madison, Wisconsin, "but women are supposed to sacrifice. It's our calling, and we're willing to answer."

Indeed, the girls in the Madison 54th Ward are celebrating yet another girl who saved her chastity this week. Nancy Herald.

"We're going to miss Nancy," said Louise Yount, "but we know she did the right thing. And we're all willing to do it as well."

Nancy will watch the funeral service for Shaun Peters, her former boyfriend, from the youth ward of the Wisconsin State Prison.

6 comments:

Little Miss said...

Generally speaking, I enjoy your posts. But this one was a bit too over the edge for me.

Really said...

You are one sick puppy. Here's the idea behind humor if you didn't know, it's supposed to be funny.

Cathryn said...

...Maybe I'm missing something, but, um... this isn't funny. More like sick. I don't know if you missed the memo, but suicide actually isn't something that you laugh at. Call me a spoilsport, but I think you've really lost perspective on this one.

I don't mean to get all hypersensitive-reactionary on you, but this is definitely my last visit to the Sugar Beet.

Helena said...

LOL! I think people are missing that last line.

Joseph Smith, Jr. said...

Interesting blog. Enjoyed reading it.

Sincerely,

Joseph Smith Jr.
Mormon beliefs
http://www.whatismormonism.com

Eric said...

ummm I guess all these folks are unfamiliar with Spencer Kimball suggesting it was better for a women to die (presumably fighting off a rapist) that to just let it happen - (and not get your brains beaten in and body more ravaged)