Thursday

Snapshot: General Conference Edits

What phrases did the correlation committee edit out of recent general conference talk manuscripts?

When it comes to pornography, we should all probably cut back a little.

Children, in the sight of heaven, are perfect . . . little devils!

We don’t think it’s appropriate to use guilt to motivate you to do what’s right, so in my talk I will focus on the rewards of choosing the right rather than the punishments that come when we choose wrongly.

Active members of the church should be involved in the entertainment industry. What we need to stop doing is making movies that blow.

LDS priesthood holders should follow the example of the Prophet Joseph Smith, who treated every one of his 34 wives with respect and kindness.

Testimonies were borne, hearts were touched, Diet Cokes were shared.

You men are already being nice enough to your wives. You don’t need to feel guilty if they’re not happy.

We understand that there are times when family budgets make tithing a real hardship. But it’s precisely in times of trial that we stand most in need of blessings. And the greatest blessing a struggling family could receive is a kindly bishop cutting them some slack on their tithing.

The adversary seeks to make all men as miserable as he is. That’s how effed up his plan is.

Zippity doo dah, zippity eh, my oh my it’s a wonderful day . . .

And that’s why we’re so glad to welcome our two newest members of the Quorum of the Twelve, Elder Horacio Ramirez, and Elder Mbabwe Olanbangwe.

In the final six years of his ministry, when our beloved President Ezra Taft Benson had completely lost his marbles . . .

As I stand here in my gray suit and off-white shirt, wearing my Jerry Garcia tie . . .

Look, just call me Tom Monson. I’m tired of that stupid initial.

One night, after we’d made love, my wife and I were talking about . . .

After which, Sister Marlene K. Smith, of the general Primary presidency, will deliver a substantive theological address.

Back in the early days of the church, when women held the priesthood . . .

As Rob Zombie has so eloquently put it . . .

“No, no, honey,” I said to my sweetheart. “Your graduate work is far more important than my dreams of a law career. Let me raise the children for a few years.”

2 comments:

Russell Earl Kelly said...

If tithing really worked there would be only times of "overflowing blessings" for all tithers.

We are not living in the Old Covenant. Our blessings flow from post Calvary promises.

andrea said...

Ay caray, if only they would say such things!