Thursday

I, Captain Moroni, Having Defeated the Armies of Mr. Incredible

Guest Columnist:
Captain Moroni, Action Figure

I, Captain Moroni, having defeated the armies of Mr. Incredible, now write down the record of my doings.

For behold, it came to pass that in the third year of the reign of King Timmy, that a certain man, having much strength and powers of persuasion, did leave his native land of McDonalds and migrate to the Room of Timmy.

There he did begin to gather followers about him through his persuasive words and great strength. Behold, he said unto them, I, Mr. Incredible, being great of strength and powerful in persuasion, say unto you that we need a new king. Yea, why should we labor under the tyranny of King Timmy, who doth spread us to and fro upon the face of the floor? Behold, one day Timmy doth smile upon us and lo, he plays with us. But Timmy is a capricious king, a king who bestows compassion upon his subjects one day but behold, on the next he treads them into the carpet.

And it came to pass that such was the persuasion of Mr. Incredible that many did follow after him. Yea, the Star Warites, the Brothers of Hasbro, and many others were deceived by Mr. Incredible and began to form secret combinations to bring about the overthrow of King Timmy.

But I, Moroni, being a servant of King Timmy and being the head of his royal army, did rally all those who did believe on the name of Timmy to his defense. And the Sons of the Mutant Turtles did answer my call, as did the Potato Heads, and the Matelites. And behold, we did fortify our strongholds, yea, with Lego, Lincoln Logs, and even Mega Blocs did we strengthen our fortress.

And we did surround our fortress with Bristleblox that our enemy would fall upon them and be impaled. And we did arm ourselves with swords, scimitars, ray guns, nun chucks, and all manner of weapons of every kind.

And behold, the day did come when Mr. Incredible, with his army, did arise from the depths of the land Under the Bed to attack our stronghold. And my people did quake and tremble, for they saw that the Incrediblites (for so did we call them) had made a great and terrible sacrifice of the fairest of virgins, yea, even Barbie, and had thrust her head upon a pike. They had also painted themselves with chocolate insomuch that they did cause my army to quake and tremble.

But we did stand firm in our stronghold atop Mount Bureau, ready for our enemy.

But behold, it came to pass that just as the Incrediblites were attacking, the Mother of Timmy did sweep them into the garbage bag of eternal darkness and did drag them down to Value Village, from whence there is no return. And behold, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the Incrediblites.

And thus we see that those who support King Timmy and rally to his cause will indeed be upheld at the last day. In the name of KB Toys, amen.

3 comments:

David J. West said...

In the name of KB Toys? Aren't they a fallen kingdom?

Ballplayer said...

I'm having trouble gaining a testimony of this story because I didn't detect and chiasmus in the narrative.

Jen said...

Brilliant. I love it.