Provo Temple Liftoff Successful

Provo, UT--Smoke billowed around the base of the Provo Temple Thursday morning as its thrusters fired, sending the structure rocketing into the sky. People watching from the surrounding area cheered, waved their neck ties and hugged one another as the structure sailed past the giant Y emblazoned on the mountain.

Lucky LDS missionaries had a prime view from the Missionary Training Center. "The Church is true, the Church is true," Elder Marshall Cleo repeated to himself, tears streaming down his face as he watched the liftoff from the complex's front lawn. Cleo had come to the MTC only one week before to prepare for a mission in Pennsylvania.

Local leaders and media personnel watched the launching from the fish bowl of Cougar Stadium. "This is indeed a great day for the Church," said L. Mack Quinn, elders quorum president of the Provo 1001st Ward. "Long will the members of this church remember this wonderful event. Parents will tell their children—and they’ll tell their children—of the first temple launching."

"This reminds me of that great prophesy in Jeremiah," said Sally Thompson, Spanish Fork Spring Heights Ward Primary song leader. "And behold, I looked up, and beheld a flying roll." Indeed, the Provo Temple, as it spun toward the ionosphere, resembled many things. Some described it as a ball of fire. Others said the temple looked like the Angel Moroni standing on the top of a huge steeple of smoke.

From the nosebleed section of the BYU stadium, Robbie Bennett, a freshman from BYU, commented, "Man, that is one crazy pre-game show."

The Provo Temple liftoff is the inaugural event in the Church's temple-launching program, which was funded by special donations from members. "It was quite a task getting the Provo Temple into the air," admitted Joe P. Costello, senior engineer of the launching team. "Things had to be checked over and over again to make sure nothing went wrong during the crucial moments."

The LDS Church has issued a statement that it will erect a monument to the successful launch on the site where the temple formerly stood. The possibilities of attempting a twin-booster launch of the Logan Temple, and even a six-booster launch of the Salt Lake Temple, were also announced.

Terry Tempest Williams Caught with Strange Desert

CASTLE VALLEY, UT--Only months after the publication of Mormon author Terry Tempest Williams's new book celebrating her "erotic" relationship with Utah's deserts, Williams was caught in a compromising position with Mongolia's Gobi Desert.

Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert's sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in
the area.

News of Williams's affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah's deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams's indiscretion was revealed.

"And I swear I've been seeing Edward Abbey's ghost peeking in through the camper windows," Seeger said. "I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him."

Williams's human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. "The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful," wept Muriel Southby. "What made her wander like this?"

Church Adopts Multilevel Proselyting Approach

SALT LAKE CITY--Facing declining rates of conversion in key markets, the church has launched a new program to motivate members to share the gospel with others and build "gospel downlines," according to spokesman Eric Nugent.

"We needed a new way to get people interested in sharing the gospel," said Nugent. "We realized that one of Utah's biggest industries is a type and a shadow of how the gospel should be spread in these last days. After all, the multilevel or network marketing industry is based upon eternal principles. Aren't we all part of God's downline, with commissions of glory flowing to him for all our righteous deeds? He's the great Diamond Distributor in the sky."

The way the new program works is that whenever a church member sponsors a new member into the gospel, member A will receive a ten-percent commission on all tithing paid by new member B pays. In turn, when member B brings in new convert C, both A and B will receive ten percent of C's tithing. This commission plan continues up to eight levels deep.

"It's time to start inviting people over for dinner under mysterious pretenses and then springing the gospel plan on them," says spokesman Nugent. "This program will help with the Church's retention and reactivation efforts too, since the more tithing your downline pays, the more blessings you'll receive. Of course, you're expected to pay tithing on your commissions."

Members who sponsor 20 new converts will be awarded celestial rank status, and the Church will recognize them an exclusive lapel pin featuring a sparkly sunstone. Members who sponsor 15 new converts become terrestrial-level participants and receive a moonstone lapel pin. Those who sponsor 10 new converts achieve the telestial level and receive a starstone pin.

High-level achievers can earn even greater rewards, according to the new plan. Members who are able to sponsor 100 new converts earn the coveted Family Home Evening Exemption Pass, which excuses them from the church's weekly in-home program. Members who break the 500 new member threshold may take two pieces of bread and two cups of water when the sacrament tray comes around. And those who crack the 1,000 new member mark will receive all the tokens and signs required to gain entrance into the VIP luxury box at LaVell Edwards Stadium for every BYU Cougar home game.

In order for the new multilevel proselyting plan to function at full Zion capacity, those participating in the program must pay tithing at 20 percent, effective immediately.

Stake Starts Using Sacrament Meeting Safety Script

CEDAR CITY, UT--According to stake president James Davila, all units throughout the Cedar Breaks State are now required to read the following safety script aloud at the beginning of each sacrament meeting:

Welcome to sacrament service. We hope your experience will be an enjoyable one. In order to make your meeting as comfortable as possible, we want to acquaint you with the safety features of this building.

Four clearly marked exits have been provided for your convenience. Please take a moment to find the one nearest to you. Remember that it may be behind you. Please walk, do not run, to the exit if there are more than three youth speakers on the program.

In the unlikely event of a high council speaker, air masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mouthpiece over your mouth, and extend the strap over your head. Although the bag may not appear to inflate, the sedative will be flowing. Help your children with their masks before securing your own. You may remove the masks when the speaker is finished or the meeting is over, which ever comes later.

Your seat bottom can be used as a floatation device should Sister Burkenheim bear her testimony. Simply remove the cushion, sweep away the Cheerios, and put your arms through the straps on the back.

Remember, Coke consumption is prohibited for the duration of the meeting. Federal law prohibits disabling or destroying the lavatory Coke detectors.

As the meeting progresses, our deacons will be coming through with snack and beverage service. Please keep the aisle clear for them. At the end of the meeting, we ask that you put your teenagers back into their upright, locked position and stow all belongings back under your seats.

Have a great meeting, and thanks for picking the LDS Church for all your spiritual needs.