Tips for Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy

• If your church starts at an early hour, like 9:00, you as a parent will need to help your children get to church on time without grumbling. Moving into a ward that starts at 1:00 should do the trick.

• Sunday is a good time to visit the sick and afflicted as a family. If you don’t know anyone who is sick or afflicted, bake some rat poison cookies and take them to your neighbors.

• Keep your children free of the evils of peer pressure by not letting them anywhere near their Primary, Young Men, Young Women, or Sunday school classes.

• It is entirely appropriate for you and your spouse to experience marital intimacy on the Sabbath, but only with each other.

• Don’t take advantage of any services that may require others to work on the Sabbath, like electricity or hospital emergency rooms.

• Cook your meals the day before, and don’t take more than thirteen steps at a time. It’s right there in the Old Testament, people!

• No needle drugs.

• It’s OK to shop, but only on the Internet, because that totally doesn’t count, because it’s all like machines or computers or something.

• Visiting the sick is encouraged on the Sabbath. Help your fellow ward members find opportunities to serve by feigning illness every week. Plus, you’ll get free meals.

• Go home teaching or, failing that, at least tell your elders quorum president that you went.

• Don’t worry. Jesus is a dude. He’s totally cool with football.

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