Tips for Feeling the Spirit During Our Church Meetings

Do you come out of church feeling more depressed than when you entered? Find yourself wanting to stir up a good fight over women’s issues in Relief Society? Try these tips for a more spirit-filled three-hour block:

• Ritually cutting yourself—say ten times per arm each Saturday night—lets more of the Spirit in. That red stuff? It’s the evil leaving.

• Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? Of course not. You were stealing just five more minutes of sleep. Don’t worry about it—all the opening and closing prayers over the next three hours will more than make up for your lack.

• (Women only) If you don’t have the spiritual strength to think about Jesus through the entire sacrament, at least try to think about your favorite painter of Jesus. Did he have dark, smoldering eyes? Did he paint with his shirt half-unbuttoned, with the soft morning sun shimmering on the ripples of his washboard abs? Mmm. Yeah.

• (Men only) Sit next to a hot chick. At least that way, you're feeling SOMETHING.

• More than five hours of Internet porn a night? That’s going to interfere a little with our goal, my friend.

• Think about how much you are making Satan cry right now, just by sitting there pretending to listen to the high councillor. Now, picture yourself taunting the Lord of Darkness and dancing in a circle around his cowering form. Also, you’re stabbing him in the ribs with a javelin. There. Don’t you feel more spiritual?

• Do you have kids? And do you bring a bag for them filled with goodies and games? The Spirit speaks more strongly to those who snack on gummi bears and race Hot Wheels up and down the pew, you know.

• Build a rameumpton out of hymnals, and use it.

• Just LOOKING like you’re feeling the Spirit can help. Grimace thoughtfully over whatever game you’re playing on your PDA. And don’t forget to put it on silent.

• The Lord spoke to Moses from a burning bush. Can he also speak to someone from a burning pew? Only one way to find out.

• Christ said to consider the lilies of the field. Do you think lilies wear clothes to church? Go thou and do likewise. Tight shoes and neckties can strangle the Spirit right out of you.

• It could be that the people around you are preventing you from feeling anything. Deal with them.

• Create a spirit antenna out of a roll of tin foil.

• If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not feeling the Spirit, you're pretty much just wasting your time. Try napping. Or just go home.

Church Head's Title Now Includes "CEO"

SALT LAKE CITY--The LDS Church has announced that the alternative title for its President is now Prophet, Seer, and Chief Executive Officer.

"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."

The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.

Area Man Believes Sheri Dew Is Condoleezza Rice

MANTI, UTAH--Local resident Carl Sagers has put forward a theory that some experts are finding unexpectedly plausible: well-known Mormon women's leader and Deseret Book executive Sheri Dew is leading a double-life as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

"Dew can rise only so far inside Mormonism," says Sagers. "To fulfill her ambitions, she puts on black face and jumps into the national arena as Condoleezza."

Sagers has produced a chart showing that neither woman's public appearances have ever overlapped with each other. "When Dew disappears on some kind of mysterious business trip, that's when Rice starts showing up in the media visiting all these hotspots around the world," Sagers asserts.

In addition, he believes the name "Condoleezza" reveals clues to the Dew connection. "Dew owns a 'condo' and has a neice named 'Eliza'--it's not too much of a stretch to combine those two names. The double ZZ could reflect the boredom she feels in her Mormon role."

When asked about the allegation, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Hah, that's a hoot. As if a Mormon black woman could ever gain such a high office."