NEW ORLEANS, LA - God tendered his regrets today to Louisiana, citing His divine apology for "technical difficulties beyond our control in the precision guidance system of Hurricane Katrina."
The hurricane, touted in the heavenly courts as the best medium of divine vengeance since the laser guided meteors used in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, apparently went off course, arriving in Louisiana days before it could have wiped out a great congregation of the wicked.
According to RepentAmerica.com an estimated 125,000 homosexuals would have been in New Orleans during their annual Southern Decadence festival a few days after the hurricane actually struck. A perfect opportunity for divine vengeance upon evil, according to the Repent America website.
"Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city," stated Repent America director Michael Marcavage. "From 'Girls Gone Wild' to 'Southern Decadence,' New Orleans was a city that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin.”
God claimed that he has nothing against the sick, lame and destitute people who died in the hurricane. "Somehow they just always get in the way when I’m sending down punishment upon the wicked," He said. "I mean, the poor are everywhere. Can't somebody do something about these people? What the h-e double toothpick do you think I invented capitalism for?"
God pledged millions of dollars, and as many angel hours, in the development of the next natural disaster's guidance system.
"I sincerely hope the next doozy takes out only the evil," said God.
His first steps have included the canning of angels-of-destruction Gabriel Kikkobeam and Elija Kolobo, both in charge of scheduling Hurricane Katrina.
But God now has to answer to evangelical television preacher and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson, who is not feeling merciful.
"I thought we had an agreement," said Robertson in a press conference, "I've provided the believers, the money and the political power just like I promised, and then thousands of leather-wearing, lipsticked, family-destroying children of Satan escape their just reward. What am I supposed to think?”
Robertson said he is seriously considering removing his support from God and taking over the divine throne himself.
“Unless President Bush gets there first,” he said.
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