Dear Rod: Hey, I love your radio show. I know we’re all LDS and all. But just hypothetically, do you know of a reliable football betting strategy that’s consistent with the scriptures?
—Ted from West Valley
Dear Ted: First, the church is opposed to gambling in all its forms, and me and Sparky and the rest of the guys at Mormon Sports support that 110 percent. But in answer to your question, the thing we have to ask ourselves is this: What does God like? And the answer to that is clear: God likes the passing game. I mean, just look at the quarterbacks he’s blessed us with, Nielson, Wilson and Young and Ty Detmer and, yes, Jim McMahon—I know he’s not officially LDS yet, but his wife is, and I have a source upstairs that tells me she’s bringing him ‘round, line upon line, precept on precept. Not to mention Danny White. So, God loves a good offense, and that means God loves your crossing routes, your tight end up the seam, your outlet pass to the running back, and, on third and short, your play action rollout. Lots of points scored, that’s God’s plan for us. So that’s the first thing.
Now, I don’t want to get all BYU-centric here—we’re a worldwide church, and there are plenty of good RMs in other Mountain West schools—and I don’t want to suggest that God plays favorites. But he clearly favors those late-night ESPN games, where midlevel conferences get some national exposure. God hates the BCS—that goes without saying—but what does God love? Family activities, and is there a better family outing than a weeknight football game in November? I think not. So put all that together and whaddya got? I don’t approve of gambling, and frankly it’s not something I pay much attention to, but if you want to put a little Zeier zest in your tithing envelope, look for MWC night games where the over/under is plus 39, and take the over.
Thursday
Scrapbooking Your Excommunication
By Sherilyn Sunderland
Fellow scrapbookers unite! Ladies, this column is just for you! So put down that dishrag (we all know you were just pretending to wash dishes anyway!) and get out that boxful of precious photos. Let’s talk about scrapbooks. They’re way more fun than driving kids to soccer practice, and when Hubby gets grumpy because dinner’s not on the table, you can say, “Honey, I’m working on our family history!” What a perfect excuse for indulging in a super-fun hobby!
We’ve all seen tons of cute baptism scrapbook pages, cute baby blessing pages, and cute temple wedding pages. And I’ve seen so many darling missionary scrapbooks lately that it makes me almost want to go on a mission just for the scrapbook possibilities (or the “scrap-abilities!”). But I digress. I want to talk to you about how to scrapbook one of those little oopsies that life hands out from time to time—excommunication!
Now, before you say, “That Sherilyn sure is up in the night,” let me remind you that we Mormons have been commanded to preserve all our memories for our progeny, not just the happy ones. Excommunication can be a great learning experience for all people involved, and preserving it in a scrapbook gives us a chance to “accentuate the positive” (don’t you just love The Jungle Book?).
Here are a few tips to help make your excommunication page the envy of the neighborhood:
1. Capture the event. Try to be present at the disciplinary council when the verdict is announced. If you can slip into the room unnoticed, so much the better! Use a camera with a good zoom lens on it so you can get a close up of the newly exed person’s face when the verdict is read. Get a picture of the stake president as he reads the verdict. If possible, get individual pictures of everyone involved in the disciplinary council. If you know you won’t be able to sneak in for a picture or two, give your camera to a council member ahead of time (make him some cookies as a thank you afterwards!). Remember: photos that capture the emotion of the moment will make for a more memorable page.
2. Use a catchy title. Now’s a great time to be creative! Examples of good titles for your excommunication page are “Look Who’s Been Outed!” “Porn Doesn’t Pay!” “Troop Leader No Longer!” and “If Only My Zipper Had Gotten Stuck.” Look through your scriptures or use your Topical Guide to find commandments that relate to the excommunication and handwrite or print them out in a cute font to enhance the page.
3. Embellish with funky accents. While you can usually find a wide range of stickers, die cuts, or paper for just about any theme you can imagine, it’s really hard to find excommunication-related page embellishments. The “Damn, I’m Bad” line is coming out with a cute “The Seven Cardinal Sins” group of stickers later this fall (look for them at Scrap ’N Grin). But in the meantime, go through your own supplies and see what you have. For instance, you can cut out some cute horns and put them on top of a Paperkins doll to make a devil. Or you can make flaming words: use deckle-edged scissors and red-and-black paper for piecing together your page’s title. You can also download flaming fonts for free—try myevilfonts.com.
4. Get other points of view. Because an excommunication is such an emotional time, everyone involved is sure to have a strong opinion on the subject. Be sure to have everyone on the disciplinary council write a message to the newly exed person. I saw a cute page last week that everyone on the council had signed. It was full of messages like “Hearing what you did made me physically ill,” “I never believed Satan truly walked among us until tonight,” and “I used to think it was impossible to do something so bad that God would stop loving you.” Memorable for sure!
An excommunication page can really add that special something to your LDS scrapbook. Just imagine how proud your exed spouse, child, or parent will be to see his or her accomplishments immortalized in your scrapbook for all to see! What a great (and fun!) way to preserve those unforgettable memories for generations to come. Until next time, happy scrappin’!
Sherilyn is a long-time scrapbooking instructor at her Orem, Utah, store Scrap ’N Grin. She has authored an LDS-themed scrapbooking idea book called Oh, Heavens! How Scrapbooking Can Get You Closer to God. Her syndicated column, Kraft Korner, runs in four different newspapers along Utah’s Wasatch Front.
Fellow scrapbookers unite! Ladies, this column is just for you! So put down that dishrag (we all know you were just pretending to wash dishes anyway!) and get out that boxful of precious photos. Let’s talk about scrapbooks. They’re way more fun than driving kids to soccer practice, and when Hubby gets grumpy because dinner’s not on the table, you can say, “Honey, I’m working on our family history!” What a perfect excuse for indulging in a super-fun hobby!
We’ve all seen tons of cute baptism scrapbook pages, cute baby blessing pages, and cute temple wedding pages. And I’ve seen so many darling missionary scrapbooks lately that it makes me almost want to go on a mission just for the scrapbook possibilities (or the “scrap-abilities!”). But I digress. I want to talk to you about how to scrapbook one of those little oopsies that life hands out from time to time—excommunication!
Now, before you say, “That Sherilyn sure is up in the night,” let me remind you that we Mormons have been commanded to preserve all our memories for our progeny, not just the happy ones. Excommunication can be a great learning experience for all people involved, and preserving it in a scrapbook gives us a chance to “accentuate the positive” (don’t you just love The Jungle Book?).
Here are a few tips to help make your excommunication page the envy of the neighborhood:
1. Capture the event. Try to be present at the disciplinary council when the verdict is announced. If you can slip into the room unnoticed, so much the better! Use a camera with a good zoom lens on it so you can get a close up of the newly exed person’s face when the verdict is read. Get a picture of the stake president as he reads the verdict. If possible, get individual pictures of everyone involved in the disciplinary council. If you know you won’t be able to sneak in for a picture or two, give your camera to a council member ahead of time (make him some cookies as a thank you afterwards!). Remember: photos that capture the emotion of the moment will make for a more memorable page.
2. Use a catchy title. Now’s a great time to be creative! Examples of good titles for your excommunication page are “Look Who’s Been Outed!” “Porn Doesn’t Pay!” “Troop Leader No Longer!” and “If Only My Zipper Had Gotten Stuck.” Look through your scriptures or use your Topical Guide to find commandments that relate to the excommunication and handwrite or print them out in a cute font to enhance the page.
3. Embellish with funky accents. While you can usually find a wide range of stickers, die cuts, or paper for just about any theme you can imagine, it’s really hard to find excommunication-related page embellishments. The “Damn, I’m Bad” line is coming out with a cute “The Seven Cardinal Sins” group of stickers later this fall (look for them at Scrap ’N Grin). But in the meantime, go through your own supplies and see what you have. For instance, you can cut out some cute horns and put them on top of a Paperkins doll to make a devil. Or you can make flaming words: use deckle-edged scissors and red-and-black paper for piecing together your page’s title. You can also download flaming fonts for free—try myevilfonts.com.
4. Get other points of view. Because an excommunication is such an emotional time, everyone involved is sure to have a strong opinion on the subject. Be sure to have everyone on the disciplinary council write a message to the newly exed person. I saw a cute page last week that everyone on the council had signed. It was full of messages like “Hearing what you did made me physically ill,” “I never believed Satan truly walked among us until tonight,” and “I used to think it was impossible to do something so bad that God would stop loving you.” Memorable for sure!
An excommunication page can really add that special something to your LDS scrapbook. Just imagine how proud your exed spouse, child, or parent will be to see his or her accomplishments immortalized in your scrapbook for all to see! What a great (and fun!) way to preserve those unforgettable memories for generations to come. Until next time, happy scrappin’!
Sherilyn is a long-time scrapbooking instructor at her Orem, Utah, store Scrap ’N Grin. She has authored an LDS-themed scrapbooking idea book called Oh, Heavens! How Scrapbooking Can Get You Closer to God. Her syndicated column, Kraft Korner, runs in four different newspapers along Utah’s Wasatch Front.
Deseret Book Releases “Pedestal Wife”
SALT LAKE CITY—Deseret Book spokesman Martin Graves recently announced a new product designed “to help Mormons bring the Spirit into their homes.” Called Pedestal Wife, the new product resembles a statue of a woman who’s five foot, six inches tall, with long, flowing brown hair, a gingham dress, and an apron, standing on a marble pedestal two feet high. Deseret Book stresses, “Pedestal Wife is more than just a statue, although she does certainly beautify and brighten the home. She is primarily designed to help us all glorify womanhood.”
One of the first consumers, Provo resident Dwight L. Langersen, reports that he is pleased with Pedestal Wife. “I installed her in the living room so the family can gaze lovingly on her while we have our daily scripture reading,” he says. “It’s so nice to have her there for those times during family home evening when we talk about women’s holy nature and how much less sinful they are than men. Plus, she’s a lot easier to get along with than my own wife, bless her heart.”
Although response to the product has been mostly positive, Orem native Larry Schwartz admits he was initially confused by Pedestal Wife’s purpose. “I put her in my kitchen, hoping she would make me some of those incredible apple dumplings my mom used to bake on winter afternoons,” he admits. “I didn’t realize she’d just stand there. Eventually, we moved her to the bedroom, and while my wife isn’t happy with that, I am.”
Schwartz’s experience is not unusual. The confusion about Pedestal Wife’s role prompted the release of an official statement from Deseret Book: “While Pedestal Wife does encourage the healthy glorification of womanhood and thereby increases spirituality, consumers need to remember that the product is not actually designed to interact with them in any meaningful way. She does not talk, cook, or form relationships.”
Despite these and similar misunderstandings, however, Pedestal Wife is selling very well and has gained a loyal following, mostly of married men who live along Utah’s Wasatch Front. “I don’t know what it is—that apron, the dress, or the twenty-four-inch waist—but somehow Pedestal Wife reminds me of my saintly mother,” says Ogden resident Sam Culpepper. “That woman raised eight children in a three-room house, had a hot meal on the table three times a day, and managed to read the Book of Mormon over a hundred times.” Culpepper’s wife Meredith was not available for comment.
Culpepper echoes many Mormon men when he says that he sees Pedestal Wife as a great addition to his home and family. In fact, he admits, “Because Pedestal Wife radiates such wholesome goodness and quiet humility, I’m kind of hoping that my real wife will learn to follow suit. As long as she still cooks and cleans for me, of course.”
One of the first consumers, Provo resident Dwight L. Langersen, reports that he is pleased with Pedestal Wife. “I installed her in the living room so the family can gaze lovingly on her while we have our daily scripture reading,” he says. “It’s so nice to have her there for those times during family home evening when we talk about women’s holy nature and how much less sinful they are than men. Plus, she’s a lot easier to get along with than my own wife, bless her heart.”
Although response to the product has been mostly positive, Orem native Larry Schwartz admits he was initially confused by Pedestal Wife’s purpose. “I put her in my kitchen, hoping she would make me some of those incredible apple dumplings my mom used to bake on winter afternoons,” he admits. “I didn’t realize she’d just stand there. Eventually, we moved her to the bedroom, and while my wife isn’t happy with that, I am.”
Schwartz’s experience is not unusual. The confusion about Pedestal Wife’s role prompted the release of an official statement from Deseret Book: “While Pedestal Wife does encourage the healthy glorification of womanhood and thereby increases spirituality, consumers need to remember that the product is not actually designed to interact with them in any meaningful way. She does not talk, cook, or form relationships.”
Despite these and similar misunderstandings, however, Pedestal Wife is selling very well and has gained a loyal following, mostly of married men who live along Utah’s Wasatch Front. “I don’t know what it is—that apron, the dress, or the twenty-four-inch waist—but somehow Pedestal Wife reminds me of my saintly mother,” says Ogden resident Sam Culpepper. “That woman raised eight children in a three-room house, had a hot meal on the table three times a day, and managed to read the Book of Mormon over a hundred times.” Culpepper’s wife Meredith was not available for comment.
Culpepper echoes many Mormon men when he says that he sees Pedestal Wife as a great addition to his home and family. In fact, he admits, “Because Pedestal Wife radiates such wholesome goodness and quiet humility, I’m kind of hoping that my real wife will learn to follow suit. As long as she still cooks and cleans for me, of course.”
Church Acquires Walker Center Weather Forecaster
SALT LAKE CITY—For as long as most Salt Lakers can remember, the neon light atop the 16-story Walker Center building has shined blue when the weather forecast is clear and red when the forecast calls for snow or rain.
At part of the LDS Church’s ongoing downtown expansion, the Church has acquired the weather forecaster. Effective immediately, the neon lights now function as an indicator of the city’s current spirituality, according to the following code:
Steady blue: All’s well in Zion.
Blinking blue: People need to stop procrastinating their home and visiting teaching.
Steady red: Too many people are seeing R-rated movies and/or drinking Coke.
Blinking red: Computers are downloading more porn than family history data.
Purple: If a vote were held today on legalizing gay marriage, it would pass.
At part of the LDS Church’s ongoing downtown expansion, the Church has acquired the weather forecaster. Effective immediately, the neon lights now function as an indicator of the city’s current spirituality, according to the following code:
Steady blue: All’s well in Zion.
Blinking blue: People need to stop procrastinating their home and visiting teaching.
Steady red: Too many people are seeing R-rated movies and/or drinking Coke.
Blinking red: Computers are downloading more porn than family history data.
Purple: If a vote were held today on legalizing gay marriage, it would pass.
Mission Adopts Guerilla Marketing Technique
ATLANTA, GA—Following the success of a recent pass-along card campaign throughout the Georgia Atlanta Mission, mission president James T. Farnsworth issued a Sharpie permanent marker to every missionary and member over age 12, along with instructions about how to use them in a new program for spreading the gospel.
“It’s time to take this work to the next level,” said President Farnsworth. “I don’t want to see our people start any new graffiti. But wherever someone else has already scrawled something on a bathroom wall or other public surface, we need to add our two bits.”
The president has asked members and missionaries to carry their Sharpies at all times and, whenever appropriate, write the follow message: MORMONISM IS TRUE! WWW.MORMON.ORG
“I’m certain the kingdom will grow by leaps and bounds in our area if we’re diligent about spreading the word through whatever means possible,” said President Farnsworth. “However, whoever wrote ‘Brother Johansen doesn’t pay a full tithe’ in the stake center restroom definitely needs to repent.”
“It’s time to take this work to the next level,” said President Farnsworth. “I don’t want to see our people start any new graffiti. But wherever someone else has already scrawled something on a bathroom wall or other public surface, we need to add our two bits.”
The president has asked members and missionaries to carry their Sharpies at all times and, whenever appropriate, write the follow message: MORMONISM IS TRUE! WWW.MORMON.ORG
“I’m certain the kingdom will grow by leaps and bounds in our area if we’re diligent about spreading the word through whatever means possible,” said President Farnsworth. “However, whoever wrote ‘Brother Johansen doesn’t pay a full tithe’ in the stake center restroom definitely needs to repent.”
Centerpiece Correlation Committee Founded
SALT LAKE CITY—In reaction to “great concern” expressed by the general Relief Society board, the church has founded a new committee to regulate the centerpieces used in Relief Society lessons and “ensure that these centerpieces bring women closer to God,” according to Elder Milton P. Lamoreaux.
Sister Beverly R. Grumman, second counselor in the general Relief Society presidency, said, “Relief Society centerpieces are crucial to the success of women’s education in the church. Because of their importance, it is high time that these items fell within the jurisdiction of a priesthood-supervised committee.” She noted that too many women are creating “frivolous” centerpieces for their lessons and not adequately considering the effect of these items on the women in the class.
President Sharon Oakes agrees that the committee is a “dire necessity.” She has visited too many wards where Relief Society centerpiece creation has caused tension and despair, rather than a feeling of sisterhood. “Many sisters display inappropriate items and colors, such as bright purple silk irises or non-church-approved family photographs,” she says. “Not all sisters understand that their fake flowers should be pastel or pale colors, so as not to detract from the lesson. And carnations, for example, are much more decorous than irises.”
Failure to grasp the difference between appropriate and inappropriate centerpiece items is not the only problem the Relief Society presidency notices. Many other sisters feel “simply inadequate” when faced with overly elaborate centerpieces in their Relief Society room, according to Sister Grumman. “These sisters should see Relief Society as a haven from the world. Instead, if they are faced with a perfectly arranged two-foot bouquet of silk flowers and three Lladro statues of Christ, many of them experience self-esteem problems.”
The sisters of the Bonneville West Stake in Layton, Utah, are “relieved” that their centerpiece decisions will now be overseen by an official priesthood body. “Our centerpiece situation has been just awful this past year,” claims Denise Raymond, a twenty-five-year-old homemaker. “I mean, like, the women always work like crazy on them and spend tons of money. And that harms our self-esteem.”
Sister Raymond recalls a time last summer when her friend, Lara Beatton, spent twenty hours creating an elaborate three-foot-tall replica of the Salt Lake Temple out of toothpicks for her lesson on temples. “Ten women walked in that day and saw it and burst into tears,” she said. “They wouldn’t speak to Lara for months. Two of them had to go on Paxil. And I totally understand. How does she expect us to compete with that? How can we feel we are real women with something like that testifying to our inadequacy? How can anyone feel happy in Relief Society anymore? We so obviously need the priesthood to help us with our centerpiece problems.”
Sixty-seven-year-old Edna Gambel agrees. “These young girls don’t understand how to make appropriate centerpieces these days,” she said. “You wouldn’t believe the shockingly un-spiritual things I’ve seen. They’ve abandoned crewelwork for cross-stitched samplers. They don’t macramé anymore. And I haven’t seen a lovely frosted-glass grape since I don’t know how long. Instead, all I see these days are those distressed and painted boards with cute sayings on them. Did I mention those boards are distressed? What’s wrong with Precious Moments figurines, after all?”
Sister Gambel’s remarks underscore the danger of keeping centerpiece decisions uncorrelated, according to President Oakes. “The situation is so chaotic that these women don’t even know what’s appropriate anymore. Friendships are ending, and animosities are building. Thank heavens the priesthood has stepped in to help.”
Sister Beverly R. Grumman, second counselor in the general Relief Society presidency, said, “Relief Society centerpieces are crucial to the success of women’s education in the church. Because of their importance, it is high time that these items fell within the jurisdiction of a priesthood-supervised committee.” She noted that too many women are creating “frivolous” centerpieces for their lessons and not adequately considering the effect of these items on the women in the class.
President Sharon Oakes agrees that the committee is a “dire necessity.” She has visited too many wards where Relief Society centerpiece creation has caused tension and despair, rather than a feeling of sisterhood. “Many sisters display inappropriate items and colors, such as bright purple silk irises or non-church-approved family photographs,” she says. “Not all sisters understand that their fake flowers should be pastel or pale colors, so as not to detract from the lesson. And carnations, for example, are much more decorous than irises.”
Failure to grasp the difference between appropriate and inappropriate centerpiece items is not the only problem the Relief Society presidency notices. Many other sisters feel “simply inadequate” when faced with overly elaborate centerpieces in their Relief Society room, according to Sister Grumman. “These sisters should see Relief Society as a haven from the world. Instead, if they are faced with a perfectly arranged two-foot bouquet of silk flowers and three Lladro statues of Christ, many of them experience self-esteem problems.”
The sisters of the Bonneville West Stake in Layton, Utah, are “relieved” that their centerpiece decisions will now be overseen by an official priesthood body. “Our centerpiece situation has been just awful this past year,” claims Denise Raymond, a twenty-five-year-old homemaker. “I mean, like, the women always work like crazy on them and spend tons of money. And that harms our self-esteem.”
Sister Raymond recalls a time last summer when her friend, Lara Beatton, spent twenty hours creating an elaborate three-foot-tall replica of the Salt Lake Temple out of toothpicks for her lesson on temples. “Ten women walked in that day and saw it and burst into tears,” she said. “They wouldn’t speak to Lara for months. Two of them had to go on Paxil. And I totally understand. How does she expect us to compete with that? How can we feel we are real women with something like that testifying to our inadequacy? How can anyone feel happy in Relief Society anymore? We so obviously need the priesthood to help us with our centerpiece problems.”
Sixty-seven-year-old Edna Gambel agrees. “These young girls don’t understand how to make appropriate centerpieces these days,” she said. “You wouldn’t believe the shockingly un-spiritual things I’ve seen. They’ve abandoned crewelwork for cross-stitched samplers. They don’t macramé anymore. And I haven’t seen a lovely frosted-glass grape since I don’t know how long. Instead, all I see these days are those distressed and painted boards with cute sayings on them. Did I mention those boards are distressed? What’s wrong with Precious Moments figurines, after all?”
Sister Gambel’s remarks underscore the danger of keeping centerpiece decisions uncorrelated, according to President Oakes. “The situation is so chaotic that these women don’t even know what’s appropriate anymore. Friendships are ending, and animosities are building. Thank heavens the priesthood has stepped in to help.”
Tips for Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy
• If your church starts at an early hour, like 9:00, you as a parent will need to help your children get to church on time without grumbling. Moving into a ward that starts at 1:00 should do the trick.
• Sunday is a good time to visit the sick and afflicted as a family. If you don’t know anyone who is sick or afflicted, bake some rat poison cookies and take them to your neighbors.
• Keep your children free of the evils of peer pressure by not letting them anywhere near their Primary, Young Men, Young Women, or Sunday school classes.
• It is entirely appropriate for you and your spouse to experience marital intimacy on the Sabbath, but only with each other.
• Don’t take advantage of any services that may require others to work on the Sabbath, like electricity or hospital emergency rooms.
• Cook your meals the day before, and don’t take more than thirteen steps at a time. It’s right there in the Old Testament, people!
• No needle drugs.
• It’s OK to shop, but only on the Internet, because that totally doesn’t count, because it’s all like machines or computers or something.
• Visiting the sick is encouraged on the Sabbath. Help your fellow ward members find opportunities to serve by feigning illness every week. Plus, you’ll get free meals.
• Go home teaching or, failing that, at least tell your elders quorum president that you went.
• Don’t worry. Jesus is a dude. He’s totally cool with football.
• Sunday is a good time to visit the sick and afflicted as a family. If you don’t know anyone who is sick or afflicted, bake some rat poison cookies and take them to your neighbors.
• Keep your children free of the evils of peer pressure by not letting them anywhere near their Primary, Young Men, Young Women, or Sunday school classes.
• It is entirely appropriate for you and your spouse to experience marital intimacy on the Sabbath, but only with each other.
• Don’t take advantage of any services that may require others to work on the Sabbath, like electricity or hospital emergency rooms.
• Cook your meals the day before, and don’t take more than thirteen steps at a time. It’s right there in the Old Testament, people!
• No needle drugs.
• It’s OK to shop, but only on the Internet, because that totally doesn’t count, because it’s all like machines or computers or something.
• Visiting the sick is encouraged on the Sabbath. Help your fellow ward members find opportunities to serve by feigning illness every week. Plus, you’ll get free meals.
• Go home teaching or, failing that, at least tell your elders quorum president that you went.
• Don’t worry. Jesus is a dude. He’s totally cool with football.
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