BIKINI BOTTOM—Local celebrity and Krabby-patty chef SpongeBob SquarePants announced at this week’s sacrament services of the Bikini Bottom Branch that he has received a call to serve in the Tokyo North mission. Elder SquarePants reports to the MTC in June.
News of the mission call came as a surprise to some, many of whom were not even aware he was a Mormon. “He’s such a wholesome, hard-working, dedicated little invertebrate, I should have known,” said Sandy Squirrel, a Baptist. “Even though he’s yellow and absorbent, he isn’t pushy or self-righteous or anything. He’s porous—he’ll make a fine missionary.”
Mr. Krabbs, proprietor of the Krusty Krabb and employer of Elder SquarePants for most of his career, says he’ll miss his best patty cook. “’Tis my hope the little lad doesn’t end up in a sushi roll somewhere in Tokyo. I’ll be keeping his spatula at the ready for his return.”
Not everyone has been supportive of Elder SquarePants’s desire to serve a mission, most notably Elder Boyd K. Plankton, who initially accused SpongeBob of having unnatural affections for his best friend and neighbor, Patrick Starfish. During a fireside, Elder Plankton criticized the pineapple-inhabiting sponge of being “strangely effeminate” and “living with a fellow invertebrate by the name of Gary,” both of which he claimed were clear indicators of his sexual orientation. “Anyone can tell that SpongeBob SquarePants, who regularly cavorts about in his square underpants, is a flaming homosexual,” a charge that Elder SquarePants denied.
“You’ll never get the secret of my sexuality from me, Elder Plankton!” SquarePants said on the Dave Letterman show the following month.
Since that time, Elder Plankton has reversed his position, which ultimately cleared the path for SquarePants to receive his mission call. “I’ve seen the SpongeBob movie,” admitted Elder Plankton. “It’s a great film, with a wholesome good-conquers-evil theme, much the same as the Book of Mormon. And I didn’t realize that Gary was his pet. I jumped to an unfortunate conclusion.”
Elder Plankton reluctantly stated that SpongeBob’s developmentally delayed neighbor Patrick, on the other hand, could never serve a mission, as he will never grow a foot or two. “He’s a starfish. He can grow only arms,” Plankton said. “Besides, it still bothers me that he did that final scene in the movie wearing stiletto heels and fishnet stockings. The boy’s not right.”
The Bikini Bottom Branch has scheduled Elder SquarePants’s farewell for July 26, after which a party has been scheduled at the Easter Island Statue of Squidward, who is thrilled to see his annoying neighbor leave for two years.
Thursday
Ask a Beehive
By Mandi Meecham, age 12
Draper 34th Ward, Draper Utah Southeast Stake
Q: I know this is one of those big unanswerable questions, but still, it’s really bothering me. How can Heavenly Father love his children and still let so many horrible things happen in the world? Why must innocent people suffer so much pain?
A: Dude, I totally dig that. Like the other day I went to this completely freaking party at my cousin Grayson’s house, because I helped him pick out these totally sweet earrings for his girlfriend Kendra’s Valentine’s Day present and he owed me massive. Grayson is hot, which is totally freaky to say about my cousin, but it’s true. Just don’t tell anyone. He plays on Valley View’s football team, and so when he text-messaged me that I could come to his digs for the party, he was all, “FB dudes comin. DJ 2. CU2?” I completely hypered in chem class and dropped my lab glasses, which broke and I had to stay after to clean up, but I was all, Dude! I told Lindsee that Grayson had TMed me that the football team was going to be there and Dariann Jones, this senior who everyone wants to date because she was totally a finalist in last year’s Seventeen model search. I was all, “Lindsee! Check out my text message!” The entire Valley View football team is wicked hot, and Dariann Jones is totally my idol. She is actually going to intern for Self magazine in New York City when she graduates, and she owns a real Louis Vuitton bag and is six feet tall and a perfect size two. Last year, five guys got into a fistfight in school over who had asked her to the prom first. Sweet! Dariann is such a total Betty.
So, of course I totally wigged when faced with the bleak reality of my party wardrobe options. Everything was way too Little House on the Prairie for a killer swing like this was going to be. So I nabbed my mom’s plastic from her purse, which she was totally cool with because she got a massive speeding ticket when we were coming home from Brax’s soccer practice and I promised I wouldn’t tell Dad, and Stacee and I did some serious mallin’. I didn’t take Lindsee because we are not talking right now except in chem class when I need help. Anyways, I found these sweet silvery, glittery kicks with three-inch heels that just screamed “I am all that!” and I had to have them. They make me look sooo much older than twelve!
The sandals were mad cool and Dariann even complimented me on them, which was like the highlight of my life. And all these guys kept asking me to dance, and I was like, Sweet! Nothing bad could ever happen to me again! But although it seems too cruel to be true, high fashion has a dark side. I looked way hot, but after all the dancing, the sandals were seriously killing me. The straps dug into my feet, and the high heels made these little shooting pains go up my legs. So then I was thrown into this moral dilemma: What do you do when you look dead wicked hot in your kicks but they totally kill? It was brutal because I was like, I can’t be happy in these shoes and I can’t be happy not in them, because of their extreme hotness. The whole thing made me get totally down with pain and suffering and stuff. Like after I got home, I totally was going to mail some money to the earthquake victims in Sri Lion or whatever, but I can’t find where I wrote down the address to send it to, so I’ll have to watch more MTV to find out, which is way lame. But at least now I totally understand that God makes us suffer to teach us to have humility. And to not buy really hot shoes because they could seriously ruin your arches.
Draper 34th Ward, Draper Utah Southeast Stake
Q: I know this is one of those big unanswerable questions, but still, it’s really bothering me. How can Heavenly Father love his children and still let so many horrible things happen in the world? Why must innocent people suffer so much pain?
A: Dude, I totally dig that. Like the other day I went to this completely freaking party at my cousin Grayson’s house, because I helped him pick out these totally sweet earrings for his girlfriend Kendra’s Valentine’s Day present and he owed me massive. Grayson is hot, which is totally freaky to say about my cousin, but it’s true. Just don’t tell anyone. He plays on Valley View’s football team, and so when he text-messaged me that I could come to his digs for the party, he was all, “FB dudes comin. DJ 2. CU2?” I completely hypered in chem class and dropped my lab glasses, which broke and I had to stay after to clean up, but I was all, Dude! I told Lindsee that Grayson had TMed me that the football team was going to be there and Dariann Jones, this senior who everyone wants to date because she was totally a finalist in last year’s Seventeen model search. I was all, “Lindsee! Check out my text message!” The entire Valley View football team is wicked hot, and Dariann Jones is totally my idol. She is actually going to intern for Self magazine in New York City when she graduates, and she owns a real Louis Vuitton bag and is six feet tall and a perfect size two. Last year, five guys got into a fistfight in school over who had asked her to the prom first. Sweet! Dariann is such a total Betty.
So, of course I totally wigged when faced with the bleak reality of my party wardrobe options. Everything was way too Little House on the Prairie for a killer swing like this was going to be. So I nabbed my mom’s plastic from her purse, which she was totally cool with because she got a massive speeding ticket when we were coming home from Brax’s soccer practice and I promised I wouldn’t tell Dad, and Stacee and I did some serious mallin’. I didn’t take Lindsee because we are not talking right now except in chem class when I need help. Anyways, I found these sweet silvery, glittery kicks with three-inch heels that just screamed “I am all that!” and I had to have them. They make me look sooo much older than twelve!
The sandals were mad cool and Dariann even complimented me on them, which was like the highlight of my life. And all these guys kept asking me to dance, and I was like, Sweet! Nothing bad could ever happen to me again! But although it seems too cruel to be true, high fashion has a dark side. I looked way hot, but after all the dancing, the sandals were seriously killing me. The straps dug into my feet, and the high heels made these little shooting pains go up my legs. So then I was thrown into this moral dilemma: What do you do when you look dead wicked hot in your kicks but they totally kill? It was brutal because I was like, I can’t be happy in these shoes and I can’t be happy not in them, because of their extreme hotness. The whole thing made me get totally down with pain and suffering and stuff. Like after I got home, I totally was going to mail some money to the earthquake victims in Sri Lion or whatever, but I can’t find where I wrote down the address to send it to, so I’ll have to watch more MTV to find out, which is way lame. But at least now I totally understand that God makes us suffer to teach us to have humility. And to not buy really hot shoes because they could seriously ruin your arches.
Timmy Bears Testimony, Knows Church Is True
MALAD, ID—In a surprise announcement Sunday morning, little Timmy, son of Brother and Sister Smith, declared to a gathering of about 300, “I want to bury my testimony.” Timmy then revealed that he knows the church is true, though he did not elaborate upon this point.
Further, Timmy said, “I love my mom and dad.” Then, in an unprecedented burst of frankness, he added “even though I am sometimes a brat.”
Though these statements gave the ward what seems to be a piercing insight into Timmy’s until now mysterious past, ward analysts are not so sure how verifiable Timmy’s statements are.
“I don’t know,” said Brother Conrad, “his big sister was whispering in his ear the entire time.”
“Timmy’s a real handful in class,” Primary teacher Sister Ripley admitted, “but maybe he’s a spiritual giant trapped inside a little body.”
Further, Timmy said, “I love my mom and dad.” Then, in an unprecedented burst of frankness, he added “even though I am sometimes a brat.”
Though these statements gave the ward what seems to be a piercing insight into Timmy’s until now mysterious past, ward analysts are not so sure how verifiable Timmy’s statements are.
“I don’t know,” said Brother Conrad, “his big sister was whispering in his ear the entire time.”
“Timmy’s a real handful in class,” Primary teacher Sister Ripley admitted, “but maybe he’s a spiritual giant trapped inside a little body.”
Terry Tempest Williams Caught with Strange Desert
CASTLE VALLEY, UT—Only months after the publication of Mormon author Terry Tempest Williams’s new book celebrating her “erotic” relationship with Utah’s deserts, Williams was caught in a compromising position with Mongolia’s Gobi Desert.
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Man Dials Wrong Number, Gets Mormons Instead of Hot Babes
FARGO, ND—Area resident Frank Mullholland found that he was the victim of either a faulty memory or supernatural promptings when he called 1-900-Hot-Babes early Tuesday morning.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Satan’s Childhood to Blame, Say Scientists
PROVO, UT—A single ancient document, recently uncovered by BYU archeologists in a dig in Cairo, Egypt, shows conclusively that the author of all sin, also known as Satan, may have been the victim of a rotten childhood.
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
Fasting Requirements Loosened
SALT LAKE CITY—To relieve the burden of going without food and water for 24 consecutive hours, members are now allowed to split up their fasting into smaller periods of time. Some members are calling the new approach “fast fasting.”
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
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