PROVO, UTAH—"We're here, we're same-gender challenged, and we're awfully sorry to impose," said Provo Gay Humility Parade organizer Thomas Smith. "If we had our choice, believe me, we wouldn't hold this parade at all. But who are we to deny what God hath wrought?"
Involving about fifty men and a handful of women, the parade started at the corner of Fifth East and Second South in a Provo residential neighborhood and disbanded a block later at Fifth East and Third South. "We stayed on the sidewalk, so we wouldn't get in anyone's way," said Smith. "We didn't want to trouble the city for a permit."
Most of the men wore white shirts, ties, and clean, ironed Levi's creased down the middle. "We handed out rainbow key-chain fobs to our marchers beforehand," Smith said, "but we asked everyone to keep them in their pockets during the parade."
Some of the participants carried signs. Held discreetly in front of her chest, Lily Spainhower's sign was laserprinted on white paper in Helvetica 16-point font: TELESTIAL KINGDOM OR BUST. "I'm actually hoping for terrestrial," Spainhower said, "but I wouldn't want to presume." A man who declined to give his name carried a sign that said, JESUS LOVES ME, BUT HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.
Smith arranged for a handful of protesters to picket the parade and berate the marchers in order to intensify their humility. "Walking through the fire of affliction burns away the dross," Smith said. Priests and teachers from the East Bay Twenty-Second Ward held signs reading GET THEE BEHIND ME—BUT NOT LITERALLY and NO PRIESTHOOD FOR PANSIES. As instructed they chanted, "Gay, gay, go away—get born again some other way!"
Jeff Paulsen marched next to his long-term partner Frank Hume. Both men kept their arms reverently folded and did not indulge in any physical contact with each other, as per parade rules. "Frank attends the local family ward, and I attend the over-thirty singles ward," Paulsen said after the parade. "When the sacrament comes around, we don't take it, and we pinch ourselves until it hurts."
"While we didn't want to draw undue attention, it felt good to be ourselves in public for a few minutes," Smith said. "I'd say about twenty onlookers saw us. We just hope the Provo City Library still honors our library cards after this."
Friday
HMO Bans Preexistent Conditions
SANDY, UT—In an effort to brake ever-increasing health-insurance expenses, especially for psychotropic drugs such as Prozac, Utah-based Altius Healthcare Corporation is no longer honoring claims for conditions arising from a person's spiritual preexistence, prior to coming to this earth.
"We have a new rubric that helps us determine when a mental or physical condition stems from a person's personality or covenants as determined during premortality," said Altius CEO Jeffrey Bangerter, who recently completed a three-year term serving as an LDS mission president in Angola. "We're here to help people with health problems that arise spontaneously in this fallen world. When someone faces some inherent spiritual flaw such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder or contracts a disease that is a predetermined part of their mortal program, they need to either get healed by their bishop or endure to the end. It doesn't do any good to incur needless medical expenses."
Bangerter cites the example of Charles Yates of Riverton, Utah, who came down with leukemia three years ago. "He spent the first year relying upon the arm of flesh by patronizing doctors and hospitals, and he almost lost his life before his appointed time," said Bangerter. "But in doing some soul-searching, Charles realized that this disease was something he previously agreed to endure as part of his earthly challenge. When he exercised his faith enough to rely solely upon blessings from his bishop, the disease went into remission for two full years before taking him. What an inspiration to us all!"
"We have a new rubric that helps us determine when a mental or physical condition stems from a person's personality or covenants as determined during premortality," said Altius CEO Jeffrey Bangerter, who recently completed a three-year term serving as an LDS mission president in Angola. "We're here to help people with health problems that arise spontaneously in this fallen world. When someone faces some inherent spiritual flaw such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder or contracts a disease that is a predetermined part of their mortal program, they need to either get healed by their bishop or endure to the end. It doesn't do any good to incur needless medical expenses."
Bangerter cites the example of Charles Yates of Riverton, Utah, who came down with leukemia three years ago. "He spent the first year relying upon the arm of flesh by patronizing doctors and hospitals, and he almost lost his life before his appointed time," said Bangerter. "But in doing some soul-searching, Charles realized that this disease was something he previously agreed to endure as part of his earthly challenge. When he exercised his faith enough to rely solely upon blessings from his bishop, the disease went into remission for two full years before taking him. What an inspiration to us all!"
Thursday
Excess meat scandal rocks seminary presidency
NAPANEE, ID – A huge blow was delivered to the Napanee High School seminary Thursday when Gary Cole, seminary student body president, was caught eating meat in excess behind the school.
Cole was allegedly in the middle of consuming huge quantities of beef in the form of hamburger, veal, and the highly addictive medium rare rib eye steak when Bro. Anglemeyer, the 10th grade seminary teacher, confronted him.
According to eyewitness McKayla Anderson, Cole was caught “with an open bottle of A-1 in his hand and a piece of steak still hanging out of his mouth.”
“This is a huge smudge on what was once a clean record,” said Anglemeyer. “Not only did Gary flout the Word of Wisdom by eating too much meat, it wasn’t even at a time of winter, famine or excess of hunger.”
Seminary student body second counselor Michael Thisbee said he isn’t surprised by this sudden revelation. “For the past few weeks I’ve thought I’ve been smelling oats on Gary’s breath. And as we all know, oats are the gateway to harder foods. Satan tells you its all right, that it won’t hurt anything. But look at what happens.”
“I can see this spreading like a virus through the student body,” Anglemeyer said, “Students furtively chewing on Slim Jims in the classroom, sneaking into fast food joints for their burger hit, and if things get really bad we’ll lose precious souls to those nefarious all night barbecues I’ve been hearing about.”
Cole was allegedly in the middle of consuming huge quantities of beef in the form of hamburger, veal, and the highly addictive medium rare rib eye steak when Bro. Anglemeyer, the 10th grade seminary teacher, confronted him.
According to eyewitness McKayla Anderson, Cole was caught “with an open bottle of A-1 in his hand and a piece of steak still hanging out of his mouth.”
“This is a huge smudge on what was once a clean record,” said Anglemeyer. “Not only did Gary flout the Word of Wisdom by eating too much meat, it wasn’t even at a time of winter, famine or excess of hunger.”
Seminary student body second counselor Michael Thisbee said he isn’t surprised by this sudden revelation. “For the past few weeks I’ve thought I’ve been smelling oats on Gary’s breath. And as we all know, oats are the gateway to harder foods. Satan tells you its all right, that it won’t hurt anything. But look at what happens.”
“I can see this spreading like a virus through the student body,” Anglemeyer said, “Students furtively chewing on Slim Jims in the classroom, sneaking into fast food joints for their burger hit, and if things get really bad we’ll lose precious souls to those nefarious all night barbecues I’ve been hearing about.”
Evil Unable to Attend Party
MAPLETON UT - Bobby Stanton regrets to inform those he invited to his party scheduled for Saturday night that Evil will not be able to make it.
“I tried to invite Evil early,” he said in an interview with the Sugar Beet, “I did everything I could to attract him. I was even planning on spiking the punch, renting a few American Pie movies, and maybe even looking at a few Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues out back. But I guess Evil had other plans.”
Fortunately the Appearance of Evil isn’t doing much that Friday and will come to Stanton’s party in Evil’s place.
“Naturally we had to tone things down if it was only the Appearance of Evil coming. So I’ve got some O’Doules on hand and a couple of Austin Powers movies,” said Stanton, “there is also the distinct possibility of off-color conversation. I’m pretty sure everyone will be able to bless the sacrament the next morning. Sorry about that.”
“I tried to invite Evil early,” he said in an interview with the Sugar Beet, “I did everything I could to attract him. I was even planning on spiking the punch, renting a few American Pie movies, and maybe even looking at a few Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues out back. But I guess Evil had other plans.”
Fortunately the Appearance of Evil isn’t doing much that Friday and will come to Stanton’s party in Evil’s place.
“Naturally we had to tone things down if it was only the Appearance of Evil coming. So I’ve got some O’Doules on hand and a couple of Austin Powers movies,” said Stanton, “there is also the distinct possibility of off-color conversation. I’m pretty sure everyone will be able to bless the sacrament the next morning. Sorry about that.”
NEW GYM HELPS PATRONS EXERCISE THEIR AGENCY
ALPINE, UTAH--Latter-day Saints are continually advised to keep their agency in tip-top shape by exercising it on a regular basis. However, there's no convenient, effective way to fit regular agency exercise into a busy schedule--until now.
Opening this week is the new Choose the Right Gym, where members can exercise their agency until they are spiritually buff and then maintain their fitness. Set up like an obstacle course, the gym features a progressively harder pathway of tempting choices. It starts out with chocolate, progresses through Coke, poker, and R-rated movies, and culminates with pornography, prescription pain killers, and Book of Mormon DNA evidence.
Patrons who make a wrong choice are given an electric shock through a wireless device. "Just a half-hour three times a week at our gym will keep your agency at peak performance," said proprietor Carl Johansen. "When you need the strength in real situations, you'll be ready."
Opening this week is the new Choose the Right Gym, where members can exercise their agency until they are spiritually buff and then maintain their fitness. Set up like an obstacle course, the gym features a progressively harder pathway of tempting choices. It starts out with chocolate, progresses through Coke, poker, and R-rated movies, and culminates with pornography, prescription pain killers, and Book of Mormon DNA evidence.
Patrons who make a wrong choice are given an electric shock through a wireless device. "Just a half-hour three times a week at our gym will keep your agency at peak performance," said proprietor Carl Johansen. "When you need the strength in real situations, you'll be ready."
Our Book Is Now Available for Ordering
The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, our collection of the best of the Sugar Beet, is now available. For more information and a secure shopping cart, click here:
https://zarahemlabooks.com/displayProductDocument.hg?productId=4&categoryId=3
https://zarahemlabooks.com/displayProductDocument.hg?productId=4&categoryId=3
Wednesday
Our Book Is Getting Closer...
Here's an advance review from Publishers Weekly:
The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer: LDS News, Advice and Opinion
Edited by Christopher Kimball Bigelow
Pince-Nez Press
ISBN 1-930074-17-0
If a mature religion is one that can laugh at itself, then Mormonism is growing up. The ranks of the heretofore slim world of LDS satirists (dominated by cartoonists Pat Bagley and Calvin Grondahl and columnist Robert Kirby) have been swelled by the next generation: this compilation of ruthlessly funny articles is as irreverent as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is decorous.
The book is edited by Bigelow, co-author of Mormonism for Dummies and co-founder of The Sugar Beet (an LDS version of the satirical publication The Onion). Bigelow and his staff of Sugar Beet writers, whose identities are hidden behind ultra-Mormon pseudonyms, ferret out the delicious humor tucked away in Mormonism’s quirkiest doctrines and cultural extremes in articles like: “Gay polygamists make bid for legitimacy”; “Zions Bank offers financing for scrapbookers”; and “Elvis Presley accepts posthumous baptism.”
The humor grows mostly out of the rich soil of Wasatch Front culture, so some of it may go over the heads of converts to the faith, and many stalwart Mormons would declare the writing dangerously “light-minded.” But a solid core of LDS (and LDS-raised) readers will find the Enquirer a tie-loosening, glue-gun-melting pleasure—and an excellent Christmas gift for friends and family. (Nov. 6)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
