Here's a link to the advance notice for our forthcoming collection of satirical Mormon news from the Sugar Beet:
Pince-Nez Press
Wednesday
Advance Notice for Our Forthcoming Book
Here's a link to the advance notice for our forthcoming collection of satirical Mormon news from the Sugar Beet:
Pince-Nez Press
Tuesday
Views from the Street on "Big Love"
"Big Love," HBO's new series about a polygamous family, seems to be a big hit. Following are some responses we received when we asked passersby in downtown Salt Lake City their opinion.
"Why does it always have to be polygamists? Why not a drama about scrapbookers or geneology researchers? That would be more realistic."
"I'm sure Tom Green is behind this. He knows how to manipulate the media, and now they're eating out of his hand."
"They should've named one of the wives 'Sharon A. Johnson.'"
"Richard Dutcher should definitely get Bill Paxton to play Joseph Smith in his upcoming movie."
"I'm still waiting for HBO to show some hot foursome action in the bedroom--or at a minimum, wife-on-wife."
"I'm absolutely not going to watch even a second of it. Especially the sex scenes with Chloe Sevigny. She's not even that hot."
"Not only does it make the Church look bad, but it's really bad for the image of hardware stores."
"I won't sully my mind with that kind of trash. Especially since it's on the same night as Dawson's Creek."
"I was sorry to hear that the girl who played Deb, Napolean's girlfriend, had sold out to Hollywood like this. And she doesn't even wear her hair in that cute sideways ponytail either."
"I wasn't going to watch it, but my TIVO thought I should. So . . ."
"I'm waiting for the Cleanflix version."
"What they don't get is that Mormonism teaches only post-mortal polygamy nowadays."
"I'm only going to watch it until I learn if Bill's gonna get Margene her own car. Then I'm turning it right off."
"What I don't get is, if there are three wives and seven days in a week, who does the husband sleep with on Sundays?"
"I'm sticking with the Sopranos. At least they have some family values."
"It's a total cheat. If they're gonna make a big deal of how it has nudity, they better show more than Bill Paxton's bare butt."
"It makes me sad that people will think that this show is really about the LDS church, when actually polygamy has NEVER been a part of our beliefs. Except for when it was."
"I've counseled my wife to watch it prayerfully so that she'll know what kind of chores will await her once I bring her into the celestial kingdom."
"I'm sure this show, as well as everything else, is a part of the Lord's plan, designed to bring more people into the One and True Church. And if more people DON'T join the church because of this show, then it was actually part of Satan's plan."
Monday
Play-Daters Receive Counsel
SALT LAKE CITY--Nursery and Junior Primary members were counseled today not to engage in intimate play dates too soon. “The youngsters with whom you form play date associations now will become those with whom you will lose your first teeth, play soccer, go to ballet class, take piano lessons, attend homeroom, go to prom, and eventually marry,” said Elder Hugh L. Weaver of the Second Quorum of the Seventies. “It’s important to cultivate good play date associations now, without getting too intimate with any one of your peers.”
Etiquette, he explained, is important for play-dating youth. “I am concerned,” he said, “to read reports of young men of play-date age riding their Big Wheels through young women’s dolly-and-tea parties. Surely this is not behavior that the Savior would condone.” He also encouraged the young women of play-dating age to keep their diapers modestly covered and to support the young men in fulfilling their Primary duties.
Elder Weaver advised the youngsters, ages eighteen months to seven, to not “pair up” in their play dates. The dangers of exclusive play dating, he explained, include “finding yourself in situations you cannot handle--rather like going down a giant twisty slide before you can walk.” Play-daters should seek out wholesome environments, like sunny parks or Primary activities, and should avoid places with raucous music and dark corners, like Chuck E. Cheese’s. “At all costs,” he said, “you should avoid parties where you know sugar is going to be served.”
Etiquette, he explained, is important for play-dating youth. “I am concerned,” he said, “to read reports of young men of play-date age riding their Big Wheels through young women’s dolly-and-tea parties. Surely this is not behavior that the Savior would condone.” He also encouraged the young women of play-dating age to keep their diapers modestly covered and to support the young men in fulfilling their Primary duties.
Elder Weaver advised the youngsters, ages eighteen months to seven, to not “pair up” in their play dates. The dangers of exclusive play dating, he explained, include “finding yourself in situations you cannot handle--rather like going down a giant twisty slide before you can walk.” Play-daters should seek out wholesome environments, like sunny parks or Primary activities, and should avoid places with raucous music and dark corners, like Chuck E. Cheese’s. “At all costs,” he said, “you should avoid parties where you know sugar is going to be served.”
Wednesday
Draper Ordinance Eliminates the Appearance of Poverty
DRAPER, UT--Knowing that the poor will always be among us, the Draper City Council's recent ordinance banning second-hand stores in its retail district will at least eliminate the appearance of poverty. This zoning strategy will return to the Saints of that city the recently lost but foundational LDS belief that all is well in Zion.
The Draper City Manager indicated that research shows how squalor and poverty follow Deseret Industry stores wherever they appear. Of particular concern is the retarded people who often work the intake areas. "They are just creepy, and sometimes they smell like cigarettes."
A member of the Draper Chamber of Commerce, who requested that her name be withheld, said, "We're trying to make Draper the cultural center of the entire Point of the Mountain area, which is difficult with the prison and the ethnics out in West Valley squeezing in. Putting the kibosh on this DI will send a message to these lazy people who are always looking for a handout. Draper is saying they can just go back to Ogden or Tooele or wherever else tacky poor people go."
The Draper City Manager indicated that research shows how squalor and poverty follow Deseret Industry stores wherever they appear. Of particular concern is the retarded people who often work the intake areas. "They are just creepy, and sometimes they smell like cigarettes."
A member of the Draper Chamber of Commerce, who requested that her name be withheld, said, "We're trying to make Draper the cultural center of the entire Point of the Mountain area, which is difficult with the prison and the ethnics out in West Valley squeezing in. Putting the kibosh on this DI will send a message to these lazy people who are always looking for a handout. Draper is saying they can just go back to Ogden or Tooele or wherever else tacky poor people go."
Thursday
Prophet's Profile Is Toast of the Town
KANAB, UT—Viril Jones, owner of the WoW Café and self-described “purveyor of whole grains and other natural foods for storage and home consumption,” feels he has been given a faith-promoting sign that he must share with the LDS community and world at large.
Jones claims that he found the profile of the Prophet Joseph on a piece of whole-wheat toast. “I was just toasting up some bread from a loaf I’d just made with the best organic wheat money can buy. I used the same toaster I always have, from that good LDS company where I got my bread maker. But I’d made this loaf by hand, so maybe that was what the Lord smiled on for me for.”
Jones said he used the toaster’s medium-Semitic setting and out came the slice showing a distinct profile of Joseph, almost identical to the image on the cover of the new Richard Bushman bio. “I know, because I sent my wife over to the local LDS bookstore to borrow a copy for comparison,” Jones said.
The manifestation has caused a sensation in the small town, with people coming to Jones’s small eatery to view the toast in a display case, right next to the cake plate holding unbleached-flour Danishes and brownies. “I thought about putting a glass of organic whole milk in with it, since the prophet felt that whole milk and whole grains made for healthy children, but if it’d spilled I would have ruined this gracious gift, and I don’t want to be accountable for that.”
When asked, restaurant patrons seem willing to accept this as a sign of divine favor. “Why should the Catholics and Evangelicals get all the signs in food, oil slicks, trees, and urinals?” one local man asked. Another one chimed in, “I agree—we’re the true religion, so it’s appropriate for the Lord to manifest his will and pleasure through us on a piece of healthy bread, thus confirming both Joseph’s calling as prophet and the doctrine of the Word of Wisdom.”
As news of the “prophet toast” has spread, unconfirmed reports have followed claiming sightings of Brigham Young in a bowl of vanilla ice cream at a ward social and Wilford Woodruff in a batch of Relief Society brownies. When asked his opinion of the veracity of these other sightings, Jones shrugged. “At first it seemed a little suspect, since those aren’t exactly healthy foods. But on further thought, they did take place at sanctioned church events. When you think about it, ice cream has milk and is made with salt, and brownies contain eggs, wheat, and milk, and those are all healthy things, so why not?”
Jones is considering donating the faith-promoting piece of bread to the Church Museum of History and Art for inclusion in the Joseph Smith exhibit. “Either that, or we’ll sell it on eBay.”
Jones claims that he found the profile of the Prophet Joseph on a piece of whole-wheat toast. “I was just toasting up some bread from a loaf I’d just made with the best organic wheat money can buy. I used the same toaster I always have, from that good LDS company where I got my bread maker. But I’d made this loaf by hand, so maybe that was what the Lord smiled on for me for.”
Jones said he used the toaster’s medium-Semitic setting and out came the slice showing a distinct profile of Joseph, almost identical to the image on the cover of the new Richard Bushman bio. “I know, because I sent my wife over to the local LDS bookstore to borrow a copy for comparison,” Jones said.
The manifestation has caused a sensation in the small town, with people coming to Jones’s small eatery to view the toast in a display case, right next to the cake plate holding unbleached-flour Danishes and brownies. “I thought about putting a glass of organic whole milk in with it, since the prophet felt that whole milk and whole grains made for healthy children, but if it’d spilled I would have ruined this gracious gift, and I don’t want to be accountable for that.”
When asked, restaurant patrons seem willing to accept this as a sign of divine favor. “Why should the Catholics and Evangelicals get all the signs in food, oil slicks, trees, and urinals?” one local man asked. Another one chimed in, “I agree—we’re the true religion, so it’s appropriate for the Lord to manifest his will and pleasure through us on a piece of healthy bread, thus confirming both Joseph’s calling as prophet and the doctrine of the Word of Wisdom.”
As news of the “prophet toast” has spread, unconfirmed reports have followed claiming sightings of Brigham Young in a bowl of vanilla ice cream at a ward social and Wilford Woodruff in a batch of Relief Society brownies. When asked his opinion of the veracity of these other sightings, Jones shrugged. “At first it seemed a little suspect, since those aren’t exactly healthy foods. But on further thought, they did take place at sanctioned church events. When you think about it, ice cream has milk and is made with salt, and brownies contain eggs, wheat, and milk, and those are all healthy things, so why not?”
Jones is considering donating the faith-promoting piece of bread to the Church Museum of History and Art for inclusion in the Joseph Smith exhibit. “Either that, or we’ll sell it on eBay.”
Tuesday
Tips for Feeling the Spirit During Our Church Meetings
Do you come out of church feeling more depressed than when you entered? Find yourself wanting to stir up a good fight over women’s issues in Relief Society? Try these tips for a more spirit-filled three-hour block:
• Ritually cutting yourself—say ten times per arm each Saturday night—lets more of the Spirit in. That red stuff? It’s the evil leaving.
• Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? Of course not. You were stealing just five more minutes of sleep. Don’t worry about it—all the opening and closing prayers over the next three hours will more than make up for your lack.
• (Women only) If you don’t have the spiritual strength to think about Jesus through the entire sacrament, at least try to think about your favorite painter of Jesus. Did he have dark, smoldering eyes? Did he paint with his shirt half-unbuttoned, with the soft morning sun shimmering on the ripples of his washboard abs? Mmm. Yeah.
• (Men only) Sit next to a hot chick. At least that way, you're feeling SOMETHING.
• More than five hours of Internet porn a night? That’s going to interfere a little with our goal, my friend.
• Think about how much you are making Satan cry right now, just by sitting there pretending to listen to the high councillor. Now, picture yourself taunting the Lord of Darkness and dancing in a circle around his cowering form. Also, you’re stabbing him in the ribs with a javelin. There. Don’t you feel more spiritual?
• Do you have kids? And do you bring a bag for them filled with goodies and games? The Spirit speaks more strongly to those who snack on gummi bears and race Hot Wheels up and down the pew, you know.
• Build a rameumpton out of hymnals, and use it.
• Just LOOKING like you’re feeling the Spirit can help. Grimace thoughtfully over whatever game you’re playing on your PDA. And don’t forget to put it on silent.
• The Lord spoke to Moses from a burning bush. Can he also speak to someone from a burning pew? Only one way to find out.
• Christ said to consider the lilies of the field. Do you think lilies wear clothes to church? Go thou and do likewise. Tight shoes and neckties can strangle the Spirit right out of you.
• It could be that the people around you are preventing you from feeling anything. Deal with them.
• Create a spirit antenna out of a roll of tin foil.
• If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not feeling the Spirit, you're pretty much just wasting your time. Try napping. Or just go home.
• Ritually cutting yourself—say ten times per arm each Saturday night—lets more of the Spirit in. That red stuff? It’s the evil leaving.
• Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray? Of course not. You were stealing just five more minutes of sleep. Don’t worry about it—all the opening and closing prayers over the next three hours will more than make up for your lack.
• (Women only) If you don’t have the spiritual strength to think about Jesus through the entire sacrament, at least try to think about your favorite painter of Jesus. Did he have dark, smoldering eyes? Did he paint with his shirt half-unbuttoned, with the soft morning sun shimmering on the ripples of his washboard abs? Mmm. Yeah.
• (Men only) Sit next to a hot chick. At least that way, you're feeling SOMETHING.
• More than five hours of Internet porn a night? That’s going to interfere a little with our goal, my friend.
• Think about how much you are making Satan cry right now, just by sitting there pretending to listen to the high councillor. Now, picture yourself taunting the Lord of Darkness and dancing in a circle around his cowering form. Also, you’re stabbing him in the ribs with a javelin. There. Don’t you feel more spiritual?
• Do you have kids? And do you bring a bag for them filled with goodies and games? The Spirit speaks more strongly to those who snack on gummi bears and race Hot Wheels up and down the pew, you know.
• Build a rameumpton out of hymnals, and use it.
• Just LOOKING like you’re feeling the Spirit can help. Grimace thoughtfully over whatever game you’re playing on your PDA. And don’t forget to put it on silent.
• The Lord spoke to Moses from a burning bush. Can he also speak to someone from a burning pew? Only one way to find out.
• Christ said to consider the lilies of the field. Do you think lilies wear clothes to church? Go thou and do likewise. Tight shoes and neckties can strangle the Spirit right out of you.
• It could be that the people around you are preventing you from feeling anything. Deal with them.
• Create a spirit antenna out of a roll of tin foil.
• If you’ve tried everything and you’re still not feeling the Spirit, you're pretty much just wasting your time. Try napping. Or just go home.
Wednesday
Church Head's Title Now Includes "CEO"
SALT LAKE CITY--The LDS Church has announced that the alternative title for its President is now Prophet, Seer, and Chief Executive Officer.
"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."
The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.
"As a third tag, 'Revelator' was a little redundant with 'Prophet' and 'Seer'," said church spokesman Charles Yates. "Replacing it with the modern term 'Chief Executive Officer' reflects the President's role today much more accurately."
The spokesman refused to discuss whether the new CEO appelation is accompanied by a CEO-level salary and stock options.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
