LINDEN, UT—Area resident Rulon “Liberty” Cannon reported at a press conference that he has uncovered the identity of the antichrist or “at least one of his generals in the battle for Armageddon.”
Cannon, proprietor of the Latter-day Herbs market in nearby Orem, reports “decades of careful scripture study” as his primary credential for “discerning angels of light from the servants of darkness.”
Cannon’s breakthrough came to him in local Rock Canyon, where he collects herb specimens and “prays for guidance” on a weekly basis. Quoting from Cannon’s 78-page publication, The Wolf in Lambswool, the argument is clear if somewhat circuitous: “That abominable green mansion that appeared at the mouth of the canyon proved the missing clue. It’s inspired by the architecture of the corrupt lands that denied the Christ and joined with the whore of all the earth, and that desecration of abomination in front of a sacred landmark made me think, what if the antichrist is among us?”
This conclusion, rejected by all present with the exception of the reporter from the Salt Lake Tribune, led Cannon to investigate the origins of the spacious home.
“When I realized the man’s name was Covet, it was like a bolt of Kolob lightning reflected in the kokaubeem,” he says. When pressed, Cannon admitted that the owner’s name is spelled Covey, though he claimed that the accepted spelling was a “pseudoname,” as the “beast is indeed crafty.”
Cannon began careful study of the Covey oeuvre in hopes of confirming his initial intuition. “I studied every word he wrote, and I saw that he started off sounding just like the Lord’s anointed, with great advice about the gospel that appears eternally true. But then a couple of books later, Covet [sic] had overtaken the gospel with the preachings of mammon. When he proclaimed his seven habits, I realized that he was disguising the number of the beast with the sacred number seven. Six times three is eighteen, which contains the digits one and eight. Subtract one from eight and you get Covet’s seven.”
Cannon cites the presence of bar codes on Covey’s books as further evidence of the oft-cited image of John’s apocalyptic beast. His document then delves into social commentary, as he decries progressive materialism in “Zion,” a local synonym for Utah. “This seven habits message is that you can sell the Lord’s gospel for a mess of potage. Peddling eternal principles to the servants of the adversary is about as antichrist as you can pretty much get. I see his demonic face gloating at us when he fools us into accepting his priestcraft. Even some among the faithful will be fooled into thinking the Covet building is one of the mansions in the Father’s house.”
Cannon’s tract is available at Latter-day Herbs as well as local truck stops and travel plazas.
Thursday
Gospel Contradiction Revealed by BYU Researchers
PROVO, UT—A recent study by two BYU social scientists shows that two fundamental principles of the gospel are at odds against one another, diminishing the overall effectiveness of the members’ covenants and duties. Charity requires self-sacrifice for the service of others, while the principle of self-reliance requires members to stand on their own two feet.
According to the scientists, these two principles in proximity create a state of mass inertia in the church, causing members to neglect, among other things, their home and visiting teaching. “It’s so simple, I don’t know why it took so long for us to see it,” says Dr. Myra Gaddenburger, the principle researcher in this study.
Dr. Bob Nohls, Gaddenburger’s assistant, indicates that the church has shown some interest in their finding. “They’ve asked us which of the two principles they should downplay,” says Nohls. “If they’re interested in funding another study, we’d be happy to look into it. But right now, it’s too soon to tell.”
According to the scientists, these two principles in proximity create a state of mass inertia in the church, causing members to neglect, among other things, their home and visiting teaching. “It’s so simple, I don’t know why it took so long for us to see it,” says Dr. Myra Gaddenburger, the principle researcher in this study.
Dr. Bob Nohls, Gaddenburger’s assistant, indicates that the church has shown some interest in their finding. “They’ve asked us which of the two principles they should downplay,” says Nohls. “If they’re interested in funding another study, we’d be happy to look into it. But right now, it’s too soon to tell.”
Ward Clamps Down on Testimony Requirements
ALPINE, UT—In an attempt to make sure the bearing of testimonies is “as uplifting and enlightening as possible,” Bishop Gerrald R. Schwartz of the Alpine 34th Ward has created “a few helpful guidelines” for people to use when they want to bear their testimonies.
He calls his idea a “logical result” of the advice that General Authorities have given recently about testimony bearing. After the church gave guidelines about what topics should be discussed when bearing testimonies, such as the truth of the church and the role of Joseph Smith, Bishop Schwartz says, “I began to see how sacred testimony-bearing time really is. I started to realize that I had a crucial duty to make sure that time was used correctly.”
But it was after church officials explained that children should not be encouraged to bear their testimonies that Bishop Schwartz really began to fast and pray about the topic. “When the Brethren began to emphasize that testimonies are not travelogues and that people shouldn’t use that time to tell long personal stories, I began to see that the members in my ward needed some more help,” he explained.
Consequently, he created the following testimony waiver, which members must sign each fast and testimony day if they want to bear their testimonies:
Your Name:
Your Bishop’s Name:
Your Baptism Number:
In order to bear your testimony today, you must conform to the following guidelines:
1. You must be between the ages of 18 and 45. This is because the Brethren have asked that no children bear their testimonies in sacrament meeting, and, frankly, old people tend to ramble.
2. You must be male. Women cry too much.
3. If you are over 25, you must be married. Otherwise, you are a menace to society and a threat to others’ testimonies.
4. You must be appropriately attired in a suit, white shirt, and conservative tie, and you should be wearing your “I Passed the Tie Check!” sticker. These stickers are awarded in the foyer ten minutes before sacrament meeting starts.
5. You must be a native English speaker. Accents detract from the Spirit.
6. You must agree to read the following script when bearing your testimony. Items 6a and 6c are mandatory; item 6b is optional. You must choose only two sentences from 6b, but you may decide in which order to say them.
a. MANDATORY: My dear brothers and sisters, I am glad to stand before you on this [warm, sunny, stormy, windy] day and bear my heartfelt testimony. I know this church is true. [You may also say: I know the LDS Church is true]. I know Joseph Smith is a prophet. I know the Book of Mormon is true. And I know Gordon B. Hinckley is a prophet. [You may also say: I know President Hinckley is a prophet.]
b. OPTIONAL (choose two): I have a testimony of prayer. I have a testimony of fasting. I have a testimony of church attendance. I have a testimony of temple attendance. I have a testimony that families are forever. I have a testimony of tithing. I have a testimony of the Word of Wisdom. I have a testimony of the Law of Chastity. I have a testimony that R-rated movies are bad. I have a testimony that our church leaders are called of God and that everything they do is righteous. I have a testimony of obedience.
c. MANDATORY: In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I have read and understood the terms as described above. I realize that if I misrepresent myself or vary from the above script, such actions will have severe repercussions on my standing in the church.
Applicant’s Signature:_______________________________________
He calls his idea a “logical result” of the advice that General Authorities have given recently about testimony bearing. After the church gave guidelines about what topics should be discussed when bearing testimonies, such as the truth of the church and the role of Joseph Smith, Bishop Schwartz says, “I began to see how sacred testimony-bearing time really is. I started to realize that I had a crucial duty to make sure that time was used correctly.”
But it was after church officials explained that children should not be encouraged to bear their testimonies that Bishop Schwartz really began to fast and pray about the topic. “When the Brethren began to emphasize that testimonies are not travelogues and that people shouldn’t use that time to tell long personal stories, I began to see that the members in my ward needed some more help,” he explained.
Consequently, he created the following testimony waiver, which members must sign each fast and testimony day if they want to bear their testimonies:
Your Name:
Your Bishop’s Name:
Your Baptism Number:
In order to bear your testimony today, you must conform to the following guidelines:
1. You must be between the ages of 18 and 45. This is because the Brethren have asked that no children bear their testimonies in sacrament meeting, and, frankly, old people tend to ramble.
2. You must be male. Women cry too much.
3. If you are over 25, you must be married. Otherwise, you are a menace to society and a threat to others’ testimonies.
4. You must be appropriately attired in a suit, white shirt, and conservative tie, and you should be wearing your “I Passed the Tie Check!” sticker. These stickers are awarded in the foyer ten minutes before sacrament meeting starts.
5. You must be a native English speaker. Accents detract from the Spirit.
6. You must agree to read the following script when bearing your testimony. Items 6a and 6c are mandatory; item 6b is optional. You must choose only two sentences from 6b, but you may decide in which order to say them.
a. MANDATORY: My dear brothers and sisters, I am glad to stand before you on this [warm, sunny, stormy, windy] day and bear my heartfelt testimony. I know this church is true. [You may also say: I know the LDS Church is true]. I know Joseph Smith is a prophet. I know the Book of Mormon is true. And I know Gordon B. Hinckley is a prophet. [You may also say: I know President Hinckley is a prophet.]
b. OPTIONAL (choose two): I have a testimony of prayer. I have a testimony of fasting. I have a testimony of church attendance. I have a testimony of temple attendance. I have a testimony that families are forever. I have a testimony of tithing. I have a testimony of the Word of Wisdom. I have a testimony of the Law of Chastity. I have a testimony that R-rated movies are bad. I have a testimony that our church leaders are called of God and that everything they do is righteous. I have a testimony of obedience.
c. MANDATORY: In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I have read and understood the terms as described above. I realize that if I misrepresent myself or vary from the above script, such actions will have severe repercussions on my standing in the church.
Applicant’s Signature:_______________________________________
Church to Send Missionaries to “Way Cooler” Locales
SALT LAKE CITY—In the wake of declining numbers of full-time missionaries and a drop in new-member retention rates, the church has been rethinking its missionary efforts. In a press conference, spokesman Arthur W. Knowles said that the church will begin to withdraw its missionaries from countries such as South Africa, Peru, Panama, and Taiwan and focus their efforts in countries “not quite so prone to being boring and poor.”
“It’s not that we don’t care about poor people,” says Knowles. “That’s why we have our humanitarian services, after all. But, let’s face it, poor people do absolutely nothing to help our image. The poverty-stricken members in Guatemala, for example, wear the ugliest, blandest clothing imaginable, and they’ve never even heard of Lex de Azevedo or Dockers khakis. We need to start asking ourselves: do we really want these people as members?”
He adds, “Come on—if you were told you had to go proselyte in Sierra Leone or Monte Carlo, which would you choose? That’s right. You’re not dumb.”
Citing the church’s “declining worldwide cool factor” as the main reason for this change in policy, Knowles emphasizes that members of poorer countries will still be welcomed and loved “as long as they are making an effort to try and be more hip”—but they won’t be actively sought out as church members. He also says that missionaries will not be sent to countries that tend to be hit by natural disasters, because “all that cleanup is totally a drag.”
The church will instead be sending more missionaries to large resort islands such as the Bahamas—”but only the rich areas,” according to Knowles—the French Riviera, Hawaii, St. Tropez, and Tahiti. “We figure that missionaries lounging on the beaches with virgin mai-tais in hand, laughing and singing hymns, will attract a more desirable clientele,” explains Knowles.
“Besides, what do these poorer countries offer us?” he adds. “Like, what, two cents of tithing per member per year? That’s less than it costs us to print the tithing slips. We think the Lord deserves a better return on his investment.”
“It’s not that we don’t care about poor people,” says Knowles. “That’s why we have our humanitarian services, after all. But, let’s face it, poor people do absolutely nothing to help our image. The poverty-stricken members in Guatemala, for example, wear the ugliest, blandest clothing imaginable, and they’ve never even heard of Lex de Azevedo or Dockers khakis. We need to start asking ourselves: do we really want these people as members?”
He adds, “Come on—if you were told you had to go proselyte in Sierra Leone or Monte Carlo, which would you choose? That’s right. You’re not dumb.”
Citing the church’s “declining worldwide cool factor” as the main reason for this change in policy, Knowles emphasizes that members of poorer countries will still be welcomed and loved “as long as they are making an effort to try and be more hip”—but they won’t be actively sought out as church members. He also says that missionaries will not be sent to countries that tend to be hit by natural disasters, because “all that cleanup is totally a drag.”
The church will instead be sending more missionaries to large resort islands such as the Bahamas—”but only the rich areas,” according to Knowles—the French Riviera, Hawaii, St. Tropez, and Tahiti. “We figure that missionaries lounging on the beaches with virgin mai-tais in hand, laughing and singing hymns, will attract a more desirable clientele,” explains Knowles.
“Besides, what do these poorer countries offer us?” he adds. “Like, what, two cents of tithing per member per year? That’s less than it costs us to print the tithing slips. We think the Lord deserves a better return on his investment.”
Stake Starts Using Sacrament Meeting Safety Script
CEDAR CITY, UT—According to stake president James Davila, all units throughout the Cedar Breaks State are now required to read the following safety script aloud at the beginning of each sacrament meeting:
Welcome to sacrament service. We hope your experience will be an enjoyable one. In order to make your meeting as comfortable as possible, we want to acquaint you with the safety features of this building.
Four clearly marked exits have been provided for your convenience. Please take a moment to find the one nearest to you. Remember that it may be behind you. Please walk, do not run, to the exit if there are more than three youth speakers on the program.
In the unlikely event of a high council speaker, air masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mouthpiece over your mouth, and extend the strap over your head. Although the bag may not appear to inflate, the sedative will be flowing. Help your children with their masks before securing your own. You may remove the masks when the speaker is finished or the meeting is over, which ever comes later.
Your seat bottom can be used as a floatation device should Sister Burkenheim bear her testimony. Simply remove the cushion, sweep away the Cheerios, and put your arms through the straps on the back.
Remember, Coke consumption is prohibited for the duration of the meeting. Federal law prohibits disabling or destroying the lavatory Coke detectors.
As the meeting progresses, our deacons will be coming through with snack and beverage service. Please keep the aisle clear for them. At the end of the meeting, we ask that you put your teenagers back into their upright, locked position and stow all belongings back under your seats.
Have a great meeting, and thanks for picking the LDS Church for all your spiritual needs.
Welcome to sacrament service. We hope your experience will be an enjoyable one. In order to make your meeting as comfortable as possible, we want to acquaint you with the safety features of this building.
Four clearly marked exits have been provided for your convenience. Please take a moment to find the one nearest to you. Remember that it may be behind you. Please walk, do not run, to the exit if there are more than three youth speakers on the program.
In the unlikely event of a high council speaker, air masks will drop from the ceiling. Place the mouthpiece over your mouth, and extend the strap over your head. Although the bag may not appear to inflate, the sedative will be flowing. Help your children with their masks before securing your own. You may remove the masks when the speaker is finished or the meeting is over, which ever comes later.
Your seat bottom can be used as a floatation device should Sister Burkenheim bear her testimony. Simply remove the cushion, sweep away the Cheerios, and put your arms through the straps on the back.
Remember, Coke consumption is prohibited for the duration of the meeting. Federal law prohibits disabling or destroying the lavatory Coke detectors.
As the meeting progresses, our deacons will be coming through with snack and beverage service. Please keep the aisle clear for them. At the end of the meeting, we ask that you put your teenagers back into their upright, locked position and stow all belongings back under your seats.
Have a great meeting, and thanks for picking the LDS Church for all your spiritual needs.
Mormonized Words and Phrases
In the spirit of a recent Meridian magazine article by John P. Pratt, in which he delicately renamed the planet Uranus to the much more appropriate-sounding “Chronus,” we felt it was our spiritual duty to sanitize other words, names, and phrases in the English lexicon to something we wouldn’t be embarrassed to say in sacrament meeting. We encourage all Latter-day Saints to begin using the following replacement words immediately:
Inappropriate - Mormonized
Assume - Mulesume
Bosom - Heart locker
Bush - Shrub
Chicken breast - Chicken boom-boom
Dam - Aquablock
Dick Cheney - Halliburton
Dictator - Privatestator
Hellenism - Greekish
Helicopter - Rotocopter
Hello - Heaveno
Kicking against the pricks - Kicking against the pointy things
Moby Dick - Moby Richard
Niggardly - Coloredly
Penal - Prisonal
Pianist - Ivoryist
Pistol - Arab ventilator
Shittimwood - Stinkimwood
Shih tzu - Lhasa apso
Succor - Helpor
Tit for tat - Udder for other
Inappropriate - Mormonized
Assume - Mulesume
Bosom - Heart locker
Bush - Shrub
Chicken breast - Chicken boom-boom
Dam - Aquablock
Dick Cheney - Halliburton
Dictator - Privatestator
Hellenism - Greekish
Helicopter - Rotocopter
Hello - Heaveno
Kicking against the pricks - Kicking against the pointy things
Moby Dick - Moby Richard
Niggardly - Coloredly
Penal - Prisonal
Pianist - Ivoryist
Pistol - Arab ventilator
Shittimwood - Stinkimwood
Shih tzu - Lhasa apso
Succor - Helpor
Tit for tat - Udder for other
Mormon Sports with “Iron” Rod Zeier
Dear Rod: Hey, I love your radio show. I know we’re all LDS and all. But just hypothetically, do you know of a reliable football betting strategy that’s consistent with the scriptures?
—Ted from West Valley
Dear Ted: First, the church is opposed to gambling in all its forms, and me and Sparky and the rest of the guys at Mormon Sports support that 110 percent. But in answer to your question, the thing we have to ask ourselves is this: What does God like? And the answer to that is clear: God likes the passing game. I mean, just look at the quarterbacks he’s blessed us with, Nielson, Wilson and Young and Ty Detmer and, yes, Jim McMahon—I know he’s not officially LDS yet, but his wife is, and I have a source upstairs that tells me she’s bringing him ‘round, line upon line, precept on precept. Not to mention Danny White. So, God loves a good offense, and that means God loves your crossing routes, your tight end up the seam, your outlet pass to the running back, and, on third and short, your play action rollout. Lots of points scored, that’s God’s plan for us. So that’s the first thing.
Now, I don’t want to get all BYU-centric here—we’re a worldwide church, and there are plenty of good RMs in other Mountain West schools—and I don’t want to suggest that God plays favorites. But he clearly favors those late-night ESPN games, where midlevel conferences get some national exposure. God hates the BCS—that goes without saying—but what does God love? Family activities, and is there a better family outing than a weeknight football game in November? I think not. So put all that together and whaddya got? I don’t approve of gambling, and frankly it’s not something I pay much attention to, but if you want to put a little Zeier zest in your tithing envelope, look for MWC night games where the over/under is plus 39, and take the over.
—Ted from West Valley
Dear Ted: First, the church is opposed to gambling in all its forms, and me and Sparky and the rest of the guys at Mormon Sports support that 110 percent. But in answer to your question, the thing we have to ask ourselves is this: What does God like? And the answer to that is clear: God likes the passing game. I mean, just look at the quarterbacks he’s blessed us with, Nielson, Wilson and Young and Ty Detmer and, yes, Jim McMahon—I know he’s not officially LDS yet, but his wife is, and I have a source upstairs that tells me she’s bringing him ‘round, line upon line, precept on precept. Not to mention Danny White. So, God loves a good offense, and that means God loves your crossing routes, your tight end up the seam, your outlet pass to the running back, and, on third and short, your play action rollout. Lots of points scored, that’s God’s plan for us. So that’s the first thing.
Now, I don’t want to get all BYU-centric here—we’re a worldwide church, and there are plenty of good RMs in other Mountain West schools—and I don’t want to suggest that God plays favorites. But he clearly favors those late-night ESPN games, where midlevel conferences get some national exposure. God hates the BCS—that goes without saying—but what does God love? Family activities, and is there a better family outing than a weeknight football game in November? I think not. So put all that together and whaddya got? I don’t approve of gambling, and frankly it’s not something I pay much attention to, but if you want to put a little Zeier zest in your tithing envelope, look for MWC night games where the over/under is plus 39, and take the over.
Scrapbooking Your Excommunication
By Sherilyn Sunderland
Fellow scrapbookers unite! Ladies, this column is just for you! So put down that dishrag (we all know you were just pretending to wash dishes anyway!) and get out that boxful of precious photos. Let’s talk about scrapbooks. They’re way more fun than driving kids to soccer practice, and when Hubby gets grumpy because dinner’s not on the table, you can say, “Honey, I’m working on our family history!” What a perfect excuse for indulging in a super-fun hobby!
We’ve all seen tons of cute baptism scrapbook pages, cute baby blessing pages, and cute temple wedding pages. And I’ve seen so many darling missionary scrapbooks lately that it makes me almost want to go on a mission just for the scrapbook possibilities (or the “scrap-abilities!”). But I digress. I want to talk to you about how to scrapbook one of those little oopsies that life hands out from time to time—excommunication!
Now, before you say, “That Sherilyn sure is up in the night,” let me remind you that we Mormons have been commanded to preserve all our memories for our progeny, not just the happy ones. Excommunication can be a great learning experience for all people involved, and preserving it in a scrapbook gives us a chance to “accentuate the positive” (don’t you just love The Jungle Book?).
Here are a few tips to help make your excommunication page the envy of the neighborhood:
1. Capture the event. Try to be present at the disciplinary council when the verdict is announced. If you can slip into the room unnoticed, so much the better! Use a camera with a good zoom lens on it so you can get a close up of the newly exed person’s face when the verdict is read. Get a picture of the stake president as he reads the verdict. If possible, get individual pictures of everyone involved in the disciplinary council. If you know you won’t be able to sneak in for a picture or two, give your camera to a council member ahead of time (make him some cookies as a thank you afterwards!). Remember: photos that capture the emotion of the moment will make for a more memorable page.
2. Use a catchy title. Now’s a great time to be creative! Examples of good titles for your excommunication page are “Look Who’s Been Outed!” “Porn Doesn’t Pay!” “Troop Leader No Longer!” and “If Only My Zipper Had Gotten Stuck.” Look through your scriptures or use your Topical Guide to find commandments that relate to the excommunication and handwrite or print them out in a cute font to enhance the page.
3. Embellish with funky accents. While you can usually find a wide range of stickers, die cuts, or paper for just about any theme you can imagine, it’s really hard to find excommunication-related page embellishments. The “Damn, I’m Bad” line is coming out with a cute “The Seven Cardinal Sins” group of stickers later this fall (look for them at Scrap ’N Grin). But in the meantime, go through your own supplies and see what you have. For instance, you can cut out some cute horns and put them on top of a Paperkins doll to make a devil. Or you can make flaming words: use deckle-edged scissors and red-and-black paper for piecing together your page’s title. You can also download flaming fonts for free—try myevilfonts.com.
4. Get other points of view. Because an excommunication is such an emotional time, everyone involved is sure to have a strong opinion on the subject. Be sure to have everyone on the disciplinary council write a message to the newly exed person. I saw a cute page last week that everyone on the council had signed. It was full of messages like “Hearing what you did made me physically ill,” “I never believed Satan truly walked among us until tonight,” and “I used to think it was impossible to do something so bad that God would stop loving you.” Memorable for sure!
An excommunication page can really add that special something to your LDS scrapbook. Just imagine how proud your exed spouse, child, or parent will be to see his or her accomplishments immortalized in your scrapbook for all to see! What a great (and fun!) way to preserve those unforgettable memories for generations to come. Until next time, happy scrappin’!
Sherilyn is a long-time scrapbooking instructor at her Orem, Utah, store Scrap ’N Grin. She has authored an LDS-themed scrapbooking idea book called Oh, Heavens! How Scrapbooking Can Get You Closer to God. Her syndicated column, Kraft Korner, runs in four different newspapers along Utah’s Wasatch Front.
Fellow scrapbookers unite! Ladies, this column is just for you! So put down that dishrag (we all know you were just pretending to wash dishes anyway!) and get out that boxful of precious photos. Let’s talk about scrapbooks. They’re way more fun than driving kids to soccer practice, and when Hubby gets grumpy because dinner’s not on the table, you can say, “Honey, I’m working on our family history!” What a perfect excuse for indulging in a super-fun hobby!
We’ve all seen tons of cute baptism scrapbook pages, cute baby blessing pages, and cute temple wedding pages. And I’ve seen so many darling missionary scrapbooks lately that it makes me almost want to go on a mission just for the scrapbook possibilities (or the “scrap-abilities!”). But I digress. I want to talk to you about how to scrapbook one of those little oopsies that life hands out from time to time—excommunication!
Now, before you say, “That Sherilyn sure is up in the night,” let me remind you that we Mormons have been commanded to preserve all our memories for our progeny, not just the happy ones. Excommunication can be a great learning experience for all people involved, and preserving it in a scrapbook gives us a chance to “accentuate the positive” (don’t you just love The Jungle Book?).
Here are a few tips to help make your excommunication page the envy of the neighborhood:
1. Capture the event. Try to be present at the disciplinary council when the verdict is announced. If you can slip into the room unnoticed, so much the better! Use a camera with a good zoom lens on it so you can get a close up of the newly exed person’s face when the verdict is read. Get a picture of the stake president as he reads the verdict. If possible, get individual pictures of everyone involved in the disciplinary council. If you know you won’t be able to sneak in for a picture or two, give your camera to a council member ahead of time (make him some cookies as a thank you afterwards!). Remember: photos that capture the emotion of the moment will make for a more memorable page.
2. Use a catchy title. Now’s a great time to be creative! Examples of good titles for your excommunication page are “Look Who’s Been Outed!” “Porn Doesn’t Pay!” “Troop Leader No Longer!” and “If Only My Zipper Had Gotten Stuck.” Look through your scriptures or use your Topical Guide to find commandments that relate to the excommunication and handwrite or print them out in a cute font to enhance the page.
3. Embellish with funky accents. While you can usually find a wide range of stickers, die cuts, or paper for just about any theme you can imagine, it’s really hard to find excommunication-related page embellishments. The “Damn, I’m Bad” line is coming out with a cute “The Seven Cardinal Sins” group of stickers later this fall (look for them at Scrap ’N Grin). But in the meantime, go through your own supplies and see what you have. For instance, you can cut out some cute horns and put them on top of a Paperkins doll to make a devil. Or you can make flaming words: use deckle-edged scissors and red-and-black paper for piecing together your page’s title. You can also download flaming fonts for free—try myevilfonts.com.
4. Get other points of view. Because an excommunication is such an emotional time, everyone involved is sure to have a strong opinion on the subject. Be sure to have everyone on the disciplinary council write a message to the newly exed person. I saw a cute page last week that everyone on the council had signed. It was full of messages like “Hearing what you did made me physically ill,” “I never believed Satan truly walked among us until tonight,” and “I used to think it was impossible to do something so bad that God would stop loving you.” Memorable for sure!
An excommunication page can really add that special something to your LDS scrapbook. Just imagine how proud your exed spouse, child, or parent will be to see his or her accomplishments immortalized in your scrapbook for all to see! What a great (and fun!) way to preserve those unforgettable memories for generations to come. Until next time, happy scrappin’!
Sherilyn is a long-time scrapbooking instructor at her Orem, Utah, store Scrap ’N Grin. She has authored an LDS-themed scrapbooking idea book called Oh, Heavens! How Scrapbooking Can Get You Closer to God. Her syndicated column, Kraft Korner, runs in four different newspapers along Utah’s Wasatch Front.
Deseret Book Releases “Pedestal Wife”
SALT LAKE CITY—Deseret Book spokesman Martin Graves recently announced a new product designed “to help Mormons bring the Spirit into their homes.” Called Pedestal Wife, the new product resembles a statue of a woman who’s five foot, six inches tall, with long, flowing brown hair, a gingham dress, and an apron, standing on a marble pedestal two feet high. Deseret Book stresses, “Pedestal Wife is more than just a statue, although she does certainly beautify and brighten the home. She is primarily designed to help us all glorify womanhood.”
One of the first consumers, Provo resident Dwight L. Langersen, reports that he is pleased with Pedestal Wife. “I installed her in the living room so the family can gaze lovingly on her while we have our daily scripture reading,” he says. “It’s so nice to have her there for those times during family home evening when we talk about women’s holy nature and how much less sinful they are than men. Plus, she’s a lot easier to get along with than my own wife, bless her heart.”
Although response to the product has been mostly positive, Orem native Larry Schwartz admits he was initially confused by Pedestal Wife’s purpose. “I put her in my kitchen, hoping she would make me some of those incredible apple dumplings my mom used to bake on winter afternoons,” he admits. “I didn’t realize she’d just stand there. Eventually, we moved her to the bedroom, and while my wife isn’t happy with that, I am.”
Schwartz’s experience is not unusual. The confusion about Pedestal Wife’s role prompted the release of an official statement from Deseret Book: “While Pedestal Wife does encourage the healthy glorification of womanhood and thereby increases spirituality, consumers need to remember that the product is not actually designed to interact with them in any meaningful way. She does not talk, cook, or form relationships.”
Despite these and similar misunderstandings, however, Pedestal Wife is selling very well and has gained a loyal following, mostly of married men who live along Utah’s Wasatch Front. “I don’t know what it is—that apron, the dress, or the twenty-four-inch waist—but somehow Pedestal Wife reminds me of my saintly mother,” says Ogden resident Sam Culpepper. “That woman raised eight children in a three-room house, had a hot meal on the table three times a day, and managed to read the Book of Mormon over a hundred times.” Culpepper’s wife Meredith was not available for comment.
Culpepper echoes many Mormon men when he says that he sees Pedestal Wife as a great addition to his home and family. In fact, he admits, “Because Pedestal Wife radiates such wholesome goodness and quiet humility, I’m kind of hoping that my real wife will learn to follow suit. As long as she still cooks and cleans for me, of course.”
One of the first consumers, Provo resident Dwight L. Langersen, reports that he is pleased with Pedestal Wife. “I installed her in the living room so the family can gaze lovingly on her while we have our daily scripture reading,” he says. “It’s so nice to have her there for those times during family home evening when we talk about women’s holy nature and how much less sinful they are than men. Plus, she’s a lot easier to get along with than my own wife, bless her heart.”
Although response to the product has been mostly positive, Orem native Larry Schwartz admits he was initially confused by Pedestal Wife’s purpose. “I put her in my kitchen, hoping she would make me some of those incredible apple dumplings my mom used to bake on winter afternoons,” he admits. “I didn’t realize she’d just stand there. Eventually, we moved her to the bedroom, and while my wife isn’t happy with that, I am.”
Schwartz’s experience is not unusual. The confusion about Pedestal Wife’s role prompted the release of an official statement from Deseret Book: “While Pedestal Wife does encourage the healthy glorification of womanhood and thereby increases spirituality, consumers need to remember that the product is not actually designed to interact with them in any meaningful way. She does not talk, cook, or form relationships.”
Despite these and similar misunderstandings, however, Pedestal Wife is selling very well and has gained a loyal following, mostly of married men who live along Utah’s Wasatch Front. “I don’t know what it is—that apron, the dress, or the twenty-four-inch waist—but somehow Pedestal Wife reminds me of my saintly mother,” says Ogden resident Sam Culpepper. “That woman raised eight children in a three-room house, had a hot meal on the table three times a day, and managed to read the Book of Mormon over a hundred times.” Culpepper’s wife Meredith was not available for comment.
Culpepper echoes many Mormon men when he says that he sees Pedestal Wife as a great addition to his home and family. In fact, he admits, “Because Pedestal Wife radiates such wholesome goodness and quiet humility, I’m kind of hoping that my real wife will learn to follow suit. As long as she still cooks and cleans for me, of course.”
Church Acquires Walker Center Weather Forecaster
SALT LAKE CITY—For as long as most Salt Lakers can remember, the neon light atop the 16-story Walker Center building has shined blue when the weather forecast is clear and red when the forecast calls for snow or rain.
At part of the LDS Church’s ongoing downtown expansion, the Church has acquired the weather forecaster. Effective immediately, the neon lights now function as an indicator of the city’s current spirituality, according to the following code:
Steady blue: All’s well in Zion.
Blinking blue: People need to stop procrastinating their home and visiting teaching.
Steady red: Too many people are seeing R-rated movies and/or drinking Coke.
Blinking red: Computers are downloading more porn than family history data.
Purple: If a vote were held today on legalizing gay marriage, it would pass.
At part of the LDS Church’s ongoing downtown expansion, the Church has acquired the weather forecaster. Effective immediately, the neon lights now function as an indicator of the city’s current spirituality, according to the following code:
Steady blue: All’s well in Zion.
Blinking blue: People need to stop procrastinating their home and visiting teaching.
Steady red: Too many people are seeing R-rated movies and/or drinking Coke.
Blinking red: Computers are downloading more porn than family history data.
Purple: If a vote were held today on legalizing gay marriage, it would pass.
Mission Adopts Guerilla Marketing Technique
ATLANTA, GA—Following the success of a recent pass-along card campaign throughout the Georgia Atlanta Mission, mission president James T. Farnsworth issued a Sharpie permanent marker to every missionary and member over age 12, along with instructions about how to use them in a new program for spreading the gospel.
“It’s time to take this work to the next level,” said President Farnsworth. “I don’t want to see our people start any new graffiti. But wherever someone else has already scrawled something on a bathroom wall or other public surface, we need to add our two bits.”
The president has asked members and missionaries to carry their Sharpies at all times and, whenever appropriate, write the follow message: MORMONISM IS TRUE! WWW.MORMON.ORG
“I’m certain the kingdom will grow by leaps and bounds in our area if we’re diligent about spreading the word through whatever means possible,” said President Farnsworth. “However, whoever wrote ‘Brother Johansen doesn’t pay a full tithe’ in the stake center restroom definitely needs to repent.”
“It’s time to take this work to the next level,” said President Farnsworth. “I don’t want to see our people start any new graffiti. But wherever someone else has already scrawled something on a bathroom wall or other public surface, we need to add our two bits.”
The president has asked members and missionaries to carry their Sharpies at all times and, whenever appropriate, write the follow message: MORMONISM IS TRUE! WWW.MORMON.ORG
“I’m certain the kingdom will grow by leaps and bounds in our area if we’re diligent about spreading the word through whatever means possible,” said President Farnsworth. “However, whoever wrote ‘Brother Johansen doesn’t pay a full tithe’ in the stake center restroom definitely needs to repent.”
Centerpiece Correlation Committee Founded
SALT LAKE CITY—In reaction to “great concern” expressed by the general Relief Society board, the church has founded a new committee to regulate the centerpieces used in Relief Society lessons and “ensure that these centerpieces bring women closer to God,” according to Elder Milton P. Lamoreaux.
Sister Beverly R. Grumman, second counselor in the general Relief Society presidency, said, “Relief Society centerpieces are crucial to the success of women’s education in the church. Because of their importance, it is high time that these items fell within the jurisdiction of a priesthood-supervised committee.” She noted that too many women are creating “frivolous” centerpieces for their lessons and not adequately considering the effect of these items on the women in the class.
President Sharon Oakes agrees that the committee is a “dire necessity.” She has visited too many wards where Relief Society centerpiece creation has caused tension and despair, rather than a feeling of sisterhood. “Many sisters display inappropriate items and colors, such as bright purple silk irises or non-church-approved family photographs,” she says. “Not all sisters understand that their fake flowers should be pastel or pale colors, so as not to detract from the lesson. And carnations, for example, are much more decorous than irises.”
Failure to grasp the difference between appropriate and inappropriate centerpiece items is not the only problem the Relief Society presidency notices. Many other sisters feel “simply inadequate” when faced with overly elaborate centerpieces in their Relief Society room, according to Sister Grumman. “These sisters should see Relief Society as a haven from the world. Instead, if they are faced with a perfectly arranged two-foot bouquet of silk flowers and three Lladro statues of Christ, many of them experience self-esteem problems.”
The sisters of the Bonneville West Stake in Layton, Utah, are “relieved” that their centerpiece decisions will now be overseen by an official priesthood body. “Our centerpiece situation has been just awful this past year,” claims Denise Raymond, a twenty-five-year-old homemaker. “I mean, like, the women always work like crazy on them and spend tons of money. And that harms our self-esteem.”
Sister Raymond recalls a time last summer when her friend, Lara Beatton, spent twenty hours creating an elaborate three-foot-tall replica of the Salt Lake Temple out of toothpicks for her lesson on temples. “Ten women walked in that day and saw it and burst into tears,” she said. “They wouldn’t speak to Lara for months. Two of them had to go on Paxil. And I totally understand. How does she expect us to compete with that? How can we feel we are real women with something like that testifying to our inadequacy? How can anyone feel happy in Relief Society anymore? We so obviously need the priesthood to help us with our centerpiece problems.”
Sixty-seven-year-old Edna Gambel agrees. “These young girls don’t understand how to make appropriate centerpieces these days,” she said. “You wouldn’t believe the shockingly un-spiritual things I’ve seen. They’ve abandoned crewelwork for cross-stitched samplers. They don’t macramé anymore. And I haven’t seen a lovely frosted-glass grape since I don’t know how long. Instead, all I see these days are those distressed and painted boards with cute sayings on them. Did I mention those boards are distressed? What’s wrong with Precious Moments figurines, after all?”
Sister Gambel’s remarks underscore the danger of keeping centerpiece decisions uncorrelated, according to President Oakes. “The situation is so chaotic that these women don’t even know what’s appropriate anymore. Friendships are ending, and animosities are building. Thank heavens the priesthood has stepped in to help.”
Sister Beverly R. Grumman, second counselor in the general Relief Society presidency, said, “Relief Society centerpieces are crucial to the success of women’s education in the church. Because of their importance, it is high time that these items fell within the jurisdiction of a priesthood-supervised committee.” She noted that too many women are creating “frivolous” centerpieces for their lessons and not adequately considering the effect of these items on the women in the class.
President Sharon Oakes agrees that the committee is a “dire necessity.” She has visited too many wards where Relief Society centerpiece creation has caused tension and despair, rather than a feeling of sisterhood. “Many sisters display inappropriate items and colors, such as bright purple silk irises or non-church-approved family photographs,” she says. “Not all sisters understand that their fake flowers should be pastel or pale colors, so as not to detract from the lesson. And carnations, for example, are much more decorous than irises.”
Failure to grasp the difference between appropriate and inappropriate centerpiece items is not the only problem the Relief Society presidency notices. Many other sisters feel “simply inadequate” when faced with overly elaborate centerpieces in their Relief Society room, according to Sister Grumman. “These sisters should see Relief Society as a haven from the world. Instead, if they are faced with a perfectly arranged two-foot bouquet of silk flowers and three Lladro statues of Christ, many of them experience self-esteem problems.”
The sisters of the Bonneville West Stake in Layton, Utah, are “relieved” that their centerpiece decisions will now be overseen by an official priesthood body. “Our centerpiece situation has been just awful this past year,” claims Denise Raymond, a twenty-five-year-old homemaker. “I mean, like, the women always work like crazy on them and spend tons of money. And that harms our self-esteem.”
Sister Raymond recalls a time last summer when her friend, Lara Beatton, spent twenty hours creating an elaborate three-foot-tall replica of the Salt Lake Temple out of toothpicks for her lesson on temples. “Ten women walked in that day and saw it and burst into tears,” she said. “They wouldn’t speak to Lara for months. Two of them had to go on Paxil. And I totally understand. How does she expect us to compete with that? How can we feel we are real women with something like that testifying to our inadequacy? How can anyone feel happy in Relief Society anymore? We so obviously need the priesthood to help us with our centerpiece problems.”
Sixty-seven-year-old Edna Gambel agrees. “These young girls don’t understand how to make appropriate centerpieces these days,” she said. “You wouldn’t believe the shockingly un-spiritual things I’ve seen. They’ve abandoned crewelwork for cross-stitched samplers. They don’t macramé anymore. And I haven’t seen a lovely frosted-glass grape since I don’t know how long. Instead, all I see these days are those distressed and painted boards with cute sayings on them. Did I mention those boards are distressed? What’s wrong with Precious Moments figurines, after all?”
Sister Gambel’s remarks underscore the danger of keeping centerpiece decisions uncorrelated, according to President Oakes. “The situation is so chaotic that these women don’t even know what’s appropriate anymore. Friendships are ending, and animosities are building. Thank heavens the priesthood has stepped in to help.”
Tips for Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy
• If your church starts at an early hour, like 9:00, you as a parent will need to help your children get to church on time without grumbling. Moving into a ward that starts at 1:00 should do the trick.
• Sunday is a good time to visit the sick and afflicted as a family. If you don’t know anyone who is sick or afflicted, bake some rat poison cookies and take them to your neighbors.
• Keep your children free of the evils of peer pressure by not letting them anywhere near their Primary, Young Men, Young Women, or Sunday school classes.
• It is entirely appropriate for you and your spouse to experience marital intimacy on the Sabbath, but only with each other.
• Don’t take advantage of any services that may require others to work on the Sabbath, like electricity or hospital emergency rooms.
• Cook your meals the day before, and don’t take more than thirteen steps at a time. It’s right there in the Old Testament, people!
• No needle drugs.
• It’s OK to shop, but only on the Internet, because that totally doesn’t count, because it’s all like machines or computers or something.
• Visiting the sick is encouraged on the Sabbath. Help your fellow ward members find opportunities to serve by feigning illness every week. Plus, you’ll get free meals.
• Go home teaching or, failing that, at least tell your elders quorum president that you went.
• Don’t worry. Jesus is a dude. He’s totally cool with football.
• Sunday is a good time to visit the sick and afflicted as a family. If you don’t know anyone who is sick or afflicted, bake some rat poison cookies and take them to your neighbors.
• Keep your children free of the evils of peer pressure by not letting them anywhere near their Primary, Young Men, Young Women, or Sunday school classes.
• It is entirely appropriate for you and your spouse to experience marital intimacy on the Sabbath, but only with each other.
• Don’t take advantage of any services that may require others to work on the Sabbath, like electricity or hospital emergency rooms.
• Cook your meals the day before, and don’t take more than thirteen steps at a time. It’s right there in the Old Testament, people!
• No needle drugs.
• It’s OK to shop, but only on the Internet, because that totally doesn’t count, because it’s all like machines or computers or something.
• Visiting the sick is encouraged on the Sabbath. Help your fellow ward members find opportunities to serve by feigning illness every week. Plus, you’ll get free meals.
• Go home teaching or, failing that, at least tell your elders quorum president that you went.
• Don’t worry. Jesus is a dude. He’s totally cool with football.
SpongeBob Receives Mission Call
BIKINI BOTTOM—Local celebrity and Krabby-patty chef SpongeBob SquarePants announced at this week’s sacrament services of the Bikini Bottom Branch that he has received a call to serve in the Tokyo North mission. Elder SquarePants reports to the MTC in June.
News of the mission call came as a surprise to some, many of whom were not even aware he was a Mormon. “He’s such a wholesome, hard-working, dedicated little invertebrate, I should have known,” said Sandy Squirrel, a Baptist. “Even though he’s yellow and absorbent, he isn’t pushy or self-righteous or anything. He’s porous—he’ll make a fine missionary.”
Mr. Krabbs, proprietor of the Krusty Krabb and employer of Elder SquarePants for most of his career, says he’ll miss his best patty cook. “’Tis my hope the little lad doesn’t end up in a sushi roll somewhere in Tokyo. I’ll be keeping his spatula at the ready for his return.”
Not everyone has been supportive of Elder SquarePants’s desire to serve a mission, most notably Elder Boyd K. Plankton, who initially accused SpongeBob of having unnatural affections for his best friend and neighbor, Patrick Starfish. During a fireside, Elder Plankton criticized the pineapple-inhabiting sponge of being “strangely effeminate” and “living with a fellow invertebrate by the name of Gary,” both of which he claimed were clear indicators of his sexual orientation. “Anyone can tell that SpongeBob SquarePants, who regularly cavorts about in his square underpants, is a flaming homosexual,” a charge that Elder SquarePants denied.
“You’ll never get the secret of my sexuality from me, Elder Plankton!” SquarePants said on the Dave Letterman show the following month.
Since that time, Elder Plankton has reversed his position, which ultimately cleared the path for SquarePants to receive his mission call. “I’ve seen the SpongeBob movie,” admitted Elder Plankton. “It’s a great film, with a wholesome good-conquers-evil theme, much the same as the Book of Mormon. And I didn’t realize that Gary was his pet. I jumped to an unfortunate conclusion.”
Elder Plankton reluctantly stated that SpongeBob’s developmentally delayed neighbor Patrick, on the other hand, could never serve a mission, as he will never grow a foot or two. “He’s a starfish. He can grow only arms,” Plankton said. “Besides, it still bothers me that he did that final scene in the movie wearing stiletto heels and fishnet stockings. The boy’s not right.”
The Bikini Bottom Branch has scheduled Elder SquarePants’s farewell for July 26, after which a party has been scheduled at the Easter Island Statue of Squidward, who is thrilled to see his annoying neighbor leave for two years.
News of the mission call came as a surprise to some, many of whom were not even aware he was a Mormon. “He’s such a wholesome, hard-working, dedicated little invertebrate, I should have known,” said Sandy Squirrel, a Baptist. “Even though he’s yellow and absorbent, he isn’t pushy or self-righteous or anything. He’s porous—he’ll make a fine missionary.”
Mr. Krabbs, proprietor of the Krusty Krabb and employer of Elder SquarePants for most of his career, says he’ll miss his best patty cook. “’Tis my hope the little lad doesn’t end up in a sushi roll somewhere in Tokyo. I’ll be keeping his spatula at the ready for his return.”
Not everyone has been supportive of Elder SquarePants’s desire to serve a mission, most notably Elder Boyd K. Plankton, who initially accused SpongeBob of having unnatural affections for his best friend and neighbor, Patrick Starfish. During a fireside, Elder Plankton criticized the pineapple-inhabiting sponge of being “strangely effeminate” and “living with a fellow invertebrate by the name of Gary,” both of which he claimed were clear indicators of his sexual orientation. “Anyone can tell that SpongeBob SquarePants, who regularly cavorts about in his square underpants, is a flaming homosexual,” a charge that Elder SquarePants denied.
“You’ll never get the secret of my sexuality from me, Elder Plankton!” SquarePants said on the Dave Letterman show the following month.
Since that time, Elder Plankton has reversed his position, which ultimately cleared the path for SquarePants to receive his mission call. “I’ve seen the SpongeBob movie,” admitted Elder Plankton. “It’s a great film, with a wholesome good-conquers-evil theme, much the same as the Book of Mormon. And I didn’t realize that Gary was his pet. I jumped to an unfortunate conclusion.”
Elder Plankton reluctantly stated that SpongeBob’s developmentally delayed neighbor Patrick, on the other hand, could never serve a mission, as he will never grow a foot or two. “He’s a starfish. He can grow only arms,” Plankton said. “Besides, it still bothers me that he did that final scene in the movie wearing stiletto heels and fishnet stockings. The boy’s not right.”
The Bikini Bottom Branch has scheduled Elder SquarePants’s farewell for July 26, after which a party has been scheduled at the Easter Island Statue of Squidward, who is thrilled to see his annoying neighbor leave for two years.
Ask a Beehive
By Mandi Meecham, age 12
Draper 34th Ward, Draper Utah Southeast Stake
Q: I know this is one of those big unanswerable questions, but still, it’s really bothering me. How can Heavenly Father love his children and still let so many horrible things happen in the world? Why must innocent people suffer so much pain?
A: Dude, I totally dig that. Like the other day I went to this completely freaking party at my cousin Grayson’s house, because I helped him pick out these totally sweet earrings for his girlfriend Kendra’s Valentine’s Day present and he owed me massive. Grayson is hot, which is totally freaky to say about my cousin, but it’s true. Just don’t tell anyone. He plays on Valley View’s football team, and so when he text-messaged me that I could come to his digs for the party, he was all, “FB dudes comin. DJ 2. CU2?” I completely hypered in chem class and dropped my lab glasses, which broke and I had to stay after to clean up, but I was all, Dude! I told Lindsee that Grayson had TMed me that the football team was going to be there and Dariann Jones, this senior who everyone wants to date because she was totally a finalist in last year’s Seventeen model search. I was all, “Lindsee! Check out my text message!” The entire Valley View football team is wicked hot, and Dariann Jones is totally my idol. She is actually going to intern for Self magazine in New York City when she graduates, and she owns a real Louis Vuitton bag and is six feet tall and a perfect size two. Last year, five guys got into a fistfight in school over who had asked her to the prom first. Sweet! Dariann is such a total Betty.
So, of course I totally wigged when faced with the bleak reality of my party wardrobe options. Everything was way too Little House on the Prairie for a killer swing like this was going to be. So I nabbed my mom’s plastic from her purse, which she was totally cool with because she got a massive speeding ticket when we were coming home from Brax’s soccer practice and I promised I wouldn’t tell Dad, and Stacee and I did some serious mallin’. I didn’t take Lindsee because we are not talking right now except in chem class when I need help. Anyways, I found these sweet silvery, glittery kicks with three-inch heels that just screamed “I am all that!” and I had to have them. They make me look sooo much older than twelve!
The sandals were mad cool and Dariann even complimented me on them, which was like the highlight of my life. And all these guys kept asking me to dance, and I was like, Sweet! Nothing bad could ever happen to me again! But although it seems too cruel to be true, high fashion has a dark side. I looked way hot, but after all the dancing, the sandals were seriously killing me. The straps dug into my feet, and the high heels made these little shooting pains go up my legs. So then I was thrown into this moral dilemma: What do you do when you look dead wicked hot in your kicks but they totally kill? It was brutal because I was like, I can’t be happy in these shoes and I can’t be happy not in them, because of their extreme hotness. The whole thing made me get totally down with pain and suffering and stuff. Like after I got home, I totally was going to mail some money to the earthquake victims in Sri Lion or whatever, but I can’t find where I wrote down the address to send it to, so I’ll have to watch more MTV to find out, which is way lame. But at least now I totally understand that God makes us suffer to teach us to have humility. And to not buy really hot shoes because they could seriously ruin your arches.
Draper 34th Ward, Draper Utah Southeast Stake
Q: I know this is one of those big unanswerable questions, but still, it’s really bothering me. How can Heavenly Father love his children and still let so many horrible things happen in the world? Why must innocent people suffer so much pain?
A: Dude, I totally dig that. Like the other day I went to this completely freaking party at my cousin Grayson’s house, because I helped him pick out these totally sweet earrings for his girlfriend Kendra’s Valentine’s Day present and he owed me massive. Grayson is hot, which is totally freaky to say about my cousin, but it’s true. Just don’t tell anyone. He plays on Valley View’s football team, and so when he text-messaged me that I could come to his digs for the party, he was all, “FB dudes comin. DJ 2. CU2?” I completely hypered in chem class and dropped my lab glasses, which broke and I had to stay after to clean up, but I was all, Dude! I told Lindsee that Grayson had TMed me that the football team was going to be there and Dariann Jones, this senior who everyone wants to date because she was totally a finalist in last year’s Seventeen model search. I was all, “Lindsee! Check out my text message!” The entire Valley View football team is wicked hot, and Dariann Jones is totally my idol. She is actually going to intern for Self magazine in New York City when she graduates, and she owns a real Louis Vuitton bag and is six feet tall and a perfect size two. Last year, five guys got into a fistfight in school over who had asked her to the prom first. Sweet! Dariann is such a total Betty.
So, of course I totally wigged when faced with the bleak reality of my party wardrobe options. Everything was way too Little House on the Prairie for a killer swing like this was going to be. So I nabbed my mom’s plastic from her purse, which she was totally cool with because she got a massive speeding ticket when we were coming home from Brax’s soccer practice and I promised I wouldn’t tell Dad, and Stacee and I did some serious mallin’. I didn’t take Lindsee because we are not talking right now except in chem class when I need help. Anyways, I found these sweet silvery, glittery kicks with three-inch heels that just screamed “I am all that!” and I had to have them. They make me look sooo much older than twelve!
The sandals were mad cool and Dariann even complimented me on them, which was like the highlight of my life. And all these guys kept asking me to dance, and I was like, Sweet! Nothing bad could ever happen to me again! But although it seems too cruel to be true, high fashion has a dark side. I looked way hot, but after all the dancing, the sandals were seriously killing me. The straps dug into my feet, and the high heels made these little shooting pains go up my legs. So then I was thrown into this moral dilemma: What do you do when you look dead wicked hot in your kicks but they totally kill? It was brutal because I was like, I can’t be happy in these shoes and I can’t be happy not in them, because of their extreme hotness. The whole thing made me get totally down with pain and suffering and stuff. Like after I got home, I totally was going to mail some money to the earthquake victims in Sri Lion or whatever, but I can’t find where I wrote down the address to send it to, so I’ll have to watch more MTV to find out, which is way lame. But at least now I totally understand that God makes us suffer to teach us to have humility. And to not buy really hot shoes because they could seriously ruin your arches.
Timmy Bears Testimony, Knows Church Is True
MALAD, ID—In a surprise announcement Sunday morning, little Timmy, son of Brother and Sister Smith, declared to a gathering of about 300, “I want to bury my testimony.” Timmy then revealed that he knows the church is true, though he did not elaborate upon this point.
Further, Timmy said, “I love my mom and dad.” Then, in an unprecedented burst of frankness, he added “even though I am sometimes a brat.”
Though these statements gave the ward what seems to be a piercing insight into Timmy’s until now mysterious past, ward analysts are not so sure how verifiable Timmy’s statements are.
“I don’t know,” said Brother Conrad, “his big sister was whispering in his ear the entire time.”
“Timmy’s a real handful in class,” Primary teacher Sister Ripley admitted, “but maybe he’s a spiritual giant trapped inside a little body.”
Further, Timmy said, “I love my mom and dad.” Then, in an unprecedented burst of frankness, he added “even though I am sometimes a brat.”
Though these statements gave the ward what seems to be a piercing insight into Timmy’s until now mysterious past, ward analysts are not so sure how verifiable Timmy’s statements are.
“I don’t know,” said Brother Conrad, “his big sister was whispering in his ear the entire time.”
“Timmy’s a real handful in class,” Primary teacher Sister Ripley admitted, “but maybe he’s a spiritual giant trapped inside a little body.”
Terry Tempest Williams Caught with Strange Desert
CASTLE VALLEY, UT—Only months after the publication of Mormon author Terry Tempest Williams’s new book celebrating her “erotic” relationship with Utah’s deserts, Williams was caught in a compromising position with Mongolia’s Gobi Desert.
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Two backpackers reported seeing Williams sensuously running her fingers through the Gobi Desert’s sand and rapturously embracing large rocks. Further investigation turned up some lipstick marks on native wildlife in the area.
News of Williams’s affair with a desert on the other side of the planet has affected the usually upbeat nature of Utah’s deserts. Bob Silas, a ranger in the Goblin Valley area, reported that the giant joshuas seem much droopier since Williams’s indiscretion was revealed.
“And I swear I’ve been seeing Edward Abbey’s ghost peeking in through the camper windows,” Seeger said. “I had to throw my copy of Refuge out the window to get rid of him.”
Williams’s human fans also expressed shock at the scandal. “The relationship Terry had with the Utah deserts in Desert Quartet was so beautiful,” wept Muriel Southby. “What made her wander like this?”
Man Dials Wrong Number, Gets Mormons Instead of Hot Babes
FARGO, ND—Area resident Frank Mullholland found that he was the victim of either a faulty memory or supernatural promptings when he called 1-900-Hot-Babes early Tuesday morning.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Having been lured into dialing the number for Hot Babes by a late-night television ad depicting scantily clad women wielding firearms, Mullholland dialed a number on his telephone. Expecting a pleasant conversation with a hot babe, Mullholland was surprised when a representative of the church asked if he wanted the Bible or the Book of Mormon.
“I thought them’s was weird names for girls,” said Mullholland, breaking open a beer in front of two youthful male missionaries. “But when the lady said she’d send ’em right over, I just asked for both.”
Mullholland admitted that he was further pleased when the person on the other end of the line asked if he wanted a free video as well.
“How could I refuse?” asked Mullholland, turning Our Heavenly Father’s Plan over in his hands, which he admitted was not quite what he expected.
“Do you kids make much money at this?” he asked the missionaries who were delivering the merchandise.
Spokesmen deny that the church is using any innovative television campaigns that may have confused Mullholland. “Maybe Brother Mullholland was dialing the number while one of our ads was playing on his television,” speculated Elder Dwight, one of the missionaries who delivered the books and video.
“I think the Spirit guided him,” countered Elder Murray, the senior companion of the duo, as he waved Mullholland’s tobacco smoke away from his face.
The missionaries refused the videos Mullholland offered to lend them. “I figured one good turn deserves another,” he said.
Satan’s Childhood to Blame, Say Scientists
PROVO, UT—A single ancient document, recently uncovered by BYU archeologists in a dig in Cairo, Egypt, shows conclusively that the author of all sin, also known as Satan, may have been the victim of a rotten childhood.
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
The document appears to be a drawing of a tree standing in the midst of a field. The sky is colored blue, and flowers dot the landscape.
“In the center of the picture is the unmistakable mark of Satan,” said Gunter Stringer, the archeologist who found the relic. Indeed, spelled out in shaky crayon letters are the words, Satan, age 6.
“We have deduced that Satan himself drew this picture when he was just a wee son of the morning star,” said Stringer. “And you know, it’s kind of a cute little picture. I like to imagine that it used to hang from a heavenly refrigerator before it fell to earth.”
Satan, who is known in some parts of the world as Lucifer, Old Scratch, and the Adversary, has allegedly inspired everything from genocides to the candy bar you stole from the store when you were in eighth grade.
“The thing that has been puzzling generations of theologians is how such a normal little spirit kid could fall to such depths,” said Stringer.
Ludwig Marcus, a psychologist specializing in child development, says Satan’s fall is really no big secret when one studies the picture closely.
“Look at that tree, just look at that tree,” he said, gesticulating solemnly. “That is the unmistakable evidence of sibling rivalry. There was obviously someone around, perhaps a larger brother or a talented sister, who received the parent’s adoration. Clearly the flowers, symbolizing the youthful Satan, are depicted as small and insignificant. Yet they are lovely and full of potential. But they have been overshadowed by that tree.”
The peculiar, low-hanging sky, Marcus says, represents a huge authority figure. “Obviously little Satan felt watched by some omniscient presence with a strong, unconquerable will. How does he escape that unblinking eye? How does he prove himself? I don’t even have to mention the fact that Satan came from a very large family, as indicated by these numerous blades of grass. Are these siblings potential allies, or enemies? I don’t know. But I definitely see a conflict developing here. Something is boiling in this young child’s mind, and he doesn’t even know it yet.”
Stringer and his crew have been continuing their dig in hopes of finding more evidence of Satan’s obviously disturbed and tragic childhood.
“The only other thing that we have come up with is a form letter to Satan from Celestial Crunch Cereal Company, saying they had run out of decoder rings,” said Stringer. “I can imagine Satan was pretty disappointed.”
Fasting Requirements Loosened
SALT LAKE CITY—To relieve the burden of going without food and water for 24 consecutive hours, members are now allowed to split up their fasting into smaller periods of time. Some members are calling the new approach “fast fasting.”
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
“As long as the total fasting comes out to 24 hours per month, the blessings are the same,” said Elder Jeff W. Richards. “A member could open his fast with prayer, go without food and water for an hour or two, and then close with prayer. In fact, a fasting period could last as little as just a few seconds, as long as it opens and closes with prayer.”
Susan Pugmire, a member in Sandy, Utah, applauds the change. “Now we won’t have to deal with headaches and bad breath,” she says. “I like this new kinder, gentler direction. Life is already hard enough without excessively long fasts.”
To help members track their fasting throughout the month, fasting time cards are now available at distribution centers.
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