HMO Bans Preexistent Conditions

SANDY, UT—In an effort to brake ever-increasing health-insurance expenses, especially for psychotropic drugs such as Prozac, Utah-based Altius Healthcare Corporation is no longer honoring claims for conditions arising from a person's spiritual preexistence, prior to coming to this earth.

"We have a new rubric that helps us determine when a mental or physical condition stems from a person's personality or covenants as determined during premortality," said Altius CEO Jeffrey Bangerter, who recently completed a three-year term serving as an LDS mission president in Angola. "We're here to help people with health problems that arise spontaneously in this fallen world. When someone faces some inherent spiritual flaw such as depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder or contracts a disease that is a predetermined part of their mortal program, they need to either get healed by their bishop or endure to the end. It doesn't do any good to incur needless medical expenses."

Bangerter cites the example of Charles Yates of Riverton, Utah, who came down with leukemia three years ago. "He spent the first year relying upon the arm of flesh by patronizing doctors and hospitals, and he almost lost his life before his appointed time," said Bangerter. "But in doing some soul-searching, Charles realized that this disease was something he previously agreed to endure as part of his earthly challenge. When he exercised his faith enough to rely solely upon blessings from his bishop, the disease went into remission for two full years before taking him. What an inspiration to us all!"